Semi-Detached - First Season

I cut the thumb off! Where's the thumb?

That's because I go to great lengths to conceal my whereabouts.

I was doing some accounts for a small family of debt collectors.

And I might have invested some of their money into

my high-yield investment programme. You mean Ponzi scheme.

I'll let you know when I'm settled. You can send me some cash!

This is Suki Morgan from the Mail On Sunday.

They're doing a lifestyle piece on me.

I've got nothing left!

And whose fault is that?

Stuart, tell her. Yeah, it's my fault.

How much did you lose?

1.2 million.

That's my fucking money, you wanker!

So, ex-husband gets his revenge by wilfully destroying MP's life?

Yeah.

My name's Humphrey Roehampton.

I was April's fiance, and I'm father to this man's daughter.

You look nothing like her. Bugger off.

I want a paternity test.

Shut up, everyone. I think he's having a heart attack!

Dad! If I don't make it, you need to know...

I love you too.

..that moustache...

...makes you look like a tosspot.

It's a disabled bay. I'm going to get towed.

I do it all the time. It's no biggie.

Stu, you're flapping. Of course I'm flapping!

They wouldn't tell me on the phone. For all I know, he could be at death's door.

Don't worry. He probably just needs his grapes topping up.

Look, you need some time alone with the old man.

Why don't me and Apes peel off and grab a Starbs?

No. April's staying with me. If you want to go for a coffee, go on your own.

I'm not missing the look on your face when you find out I'm Bertha's dad.

Humphrey!

You're not. Stop saying that! Come on! I paid for the test.

I should be there when they announce the winner.

Stuart! Did you bring grapes? Told you.

Mr Hooper? What is it? What's going on?

Thank you for coming in at such short notice.

What's that tosspot doing here?

Mind your ticker, old chap.

We're waiting for the results of the paternity test.

We need to move quite swiftly. Your dad's heart is recovering well,

So there's something wrong with his, what, renus?

Kidneys, berk!

I'm afraid Willie's kidneys are failing.

But, providing we find a suitable donor,

it can be fixed with a fairly routine procedure.

Donor?

The first people we check are the children.

And whilst your brother's records show he's a match, I understand he's...?

A wanker.

Gone AWOL. Exactly.

So all we need to do in the first instance

is a very quick blood test to establish if you're a suitable donor.

Uh, no, that's not happening, no way.

Told you.

Your dad mentioned you had a tiny phobia of needles.

It's not tiny.

He slapped the school nurse at his

BCG.

Well, I can assure you, it's totally painless. Just a small scratch.

I don't want to.

Come on, son. Do it for your old man.

When you think about it, it's sort of mine anyway.

I made it. Now I need it back.

Needles!

Cheers, son.

Needles. I can't... I can't do needles.

Stu, needles schmeedles.

I gave birth to your daughter with nothing but jungle sounds and joss sticks.

My daughter.

You don't know what it's like. You don't know what they do to me.

Where's Charlie?

We've only just got rid of him.

Where are you, you bastard? Say hi from me.

Dad needs your kidney. Phone me back!

I'm sorry you might die, Dad, but...the needles...

Oh, hi.

Sorry, is this a bad time? Madonna wanted to drop in some magazines.

They're going to put a needle in me, Kate.

What are you talking about? You don't do needles.

Oh, God, that's awful!

Are you OK, Willie?

No, he needs a new kidney. And some grapes.

Yeah. Don't kill Grandad.

And I'm sure Bertha would like to get to know her grandfather.

Who are you? Humphrey Roehampton.

Bertha's dad. No, you're not.

We're waiting on a paternity test.

I've been on hold for, like, an hour.

Oh, sorry, I had no idea.

Humphrey insisted on it. He likes to take control.

Hm. It's the only way we could shut him up.

Oops.

Busy in here. Er, so how are we doing? Any thoughts?

Son?

Give me a minute.

It's only a kidney.

All right, I'll do it.

Right, then. I'll get that blood test sorted

and we'll find out if you're a match. Oh, God!

You're doing the right thing. Love you, Grandad.

You're our hero, Daddy Bear.

Yeah.

Oh, shit!

What? Car's still in the disabled bay.

It'll be fine. It's an emergency.

I'm not sure it will.

They let you know if they need you to move it.

Right. I was always under the assumption that you can only park in a disabled bay

if you have a blue badge and the supporting documentation.

Totally not the case, but thank you, Kate.

Don't say jab. ..I'd just like a quick word.

I need to stay for the...

It'll only take a minute.

It's fine. I'll let you know if they answer.

Right.

Grapes!

Sod off!

The article.

Deflecting Ted's shit.

Making me look halfway respectable.

Well...

I'm sorry you got dragged through the mud.

Yeah.

Wasn't great being called a thieving lowlife who steals off his own daughter

in the national newspaper.

No.

No, that was uncalled for.

I just didn't want to see you being badmouthed in the press.

For Madonna's sake.

Yeah. Yeah.

Look, I realise this is awful timing, but I thought you should know.

We're moving out of the close.

We lost the house.

Oh, shit.

Fucking Ted.

You could always stay at mine.

We'll still be local.

How's Madonna taking it?

Not great.

Protests are getting worse.

This morning she handcuffed herself to a horse.

Why? I don't know.

Fracking? Dolphins?

I should probably get back. Yeah. Yeah, of course.

You worried?

Terrified. They're like tiny little daggers.

The paternity test.

Oh. No, course not.

April said she's 95% sure Bertha's mine, and that's good enough for me.

OK.

Here's the victim. What?

Mr Hooper? Yeah.

I'm Nurse Dracula.

Er, just kidding. It's Nurse Patrick.

Follow me and we'll get that blood sucked.

Not all of it.

Yeah...

Don't worry, Stu. I'm coming with you.

Everywhere she goes...

It's not allowed.

Oh, no, that's absolutely fine.

See?

Come on, you're going to be fine.

Oh...

It'll be over in a flash, Stu. Stop talking.

Just in here on the left. Nobody talk to me.

Right, if you'd like to take a seat.

Oh, fuck off!

Stuart!

Whoops-a-donkey!

Let's help him into the chair. Come on.

There you go.

Oh, is it over?

Almost.

Do you know, I've never been in an NHS hospital.

Oh...

Ooh...

Oh...

Aggh!

OK. You'll just feel a tiny scratch.

No, don't do it!

It'll be over in seconds.

Oh... Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ! Pooey! Absolutely fine.

I'll deal with it in a minute.

OK, OK, I'm ready, I'm ready.

Do it, do it, do it... Don't do it!

Centre your chi, Stu.

Oooh...

Aghh...

I can feel it coming out of my body!

There's an entire mushroom there.

Ooh...

All done.

Oh...

Just hold that there. Oh...