Not Going Out

HOOVER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

What the f...

What the hell's going on? Why, what have you found?

LAUGHTER

Who are you? I'm Metropolitan Cleaning Services UK. Bit of a mouthful.

I'll just call you Miss UK.

Thank you.

That wasn't a chat-up line.

I didn't hire a cleaner. I'm not a cleaner! I'm the Chief Executive.

Is this a dream?

Do you represent my Mum?

What you doing here?

The owner of this flat has commissioned Metropolitan Cleaning Services UK

to carry out a platinum-grade valet service on the property,

in preparation to offer it for sale.

This flat isn't for sale. He said he'd telephoned you.

Well, he didn't. Oh.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, dear. I've broken another plate.

I mean, oh dear, I've broken a plate.

Sorry!

Can you stop doing that?

You wouldn't want people seeing it like this. It's not clean.

I don't want people seeing it at all.

The inside of my colon's not very clean,

- but I wouldn't a woman going in there - with a feather duster...

No, I wouldn't!

Listen, cleaner. I've told you, I'm not just a 'cleaner', and my name's Barbara.

I'll remember that when the police arrest you for breaking and entering.

Actually, entering and breaking.

Your friend said he'd left a message.

Tim's my best mate.

If the flat was for sale, I think he'd tell me to my face, don't you?

Well, why don't you check? Because I don't need to. I know I'm right.

- All right, I will. - ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

'Hi Lee, it's Tim. There's something important I need to...'

We don't need to hear it all.

'Anyway, I'll pop round at some point. See you later.

'By the way, I've decided to sell the flat so a cleaner will be...'

See. He thinks you're a cleaner.

By the way, if you ever hear one of my relatives is dead,

don't worry about telling me to my face, just text me.

I've been telling you for weeks I'm selling it.

You said you were releasing equity from your property.

Well, now you've got a new nickname. Equity.

So, when are the estate agents coming round?

I'm not using one. You're gonna have to show people round. Why?

Did you read what the average estate agent here made in the last year?

No, I'm waiting for the film to come out.

Where am I supposed to live?

I dunno. I can't just keep a flat on because it's a refuge for my feckless Northern mates.

Feckless?

I've got plenty of feck, thank you very much.

Should have heard me fecking this morning, when I found out you're selling the fecking flat!

Can't you sell your place and move back in with me?

No.

The flat's got too many bad memories, especially now Kate's gone back to America.

It's a place full of pain and misery.

I dunno, Disneyland's all right.

I'll buy it.

Sorry? I'll buy it.

You'll buy what? I'll buy the flat.

You'll buy the flat? Are we stuck

in some sort of loop here? Yes...

I'll buy the flat.

I think you're mixing up "flat" and "sherbet dip" again.

I'm serious. How much are you selling it for?

£700,000. I'll give you £600.

Sorry, I don't mean 700. I meant to say 800.

- All right. 700. - Wow! You drive a hard bargain.

Come on, let me buy it. Or is there some rule about northerners owning property in the docklands?

Not as such, no. It's just sort of a given.

Come on, Tim, give me a chance. I love the flat.

I look out over the river in the morning and think, "At last, I've made something of my life."

When I was a kid on the estate, the rich kids would drive past... All right, Ken Loach, leave it out!

Look, apply for a mortgage and we'll see what happens.

But...

until you've got everything sorted,

the place stays on the market.

Make sure you show people round properly, or the deal's off.

Come on, Tim, we're best mates. What do you take me for?

If you've come to buy heroin, you're at the wrong flat. Try next door.

I can't lie, it doesn't work brilliantly.

Apparently it took the previous owner almost eight hours to kill himself.

Would you like to see the kitchen?

What?

- I can't believe you don't trust an estate agent to show people round, - but you trust your squatter.

I think he prefers 'tenant'.

All right, he's a bit light on the rent some months.

All right, most months.

All right, squatter.

You've never even met him, he's all right. Really.

And he has set up his own business.

- He won't be able to afford - a mortgage driving an ice-cream van.

He'll just have to sell a lot more ice-creams.

He'd have to sell hundreds and thousands. He does... Not the topping.

Look...

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hi, Frank...

No, I've not left yet, I'm at my brother's, actually...

Yeah, I'm just staying with him for a while...

Oh, I don't know, six months max.

Yeah, I'll just have a look.

Hang on, I'll just put you on speaker for a second.

Kin' speaker phones. They're too bloody echoey. It sounds like some toss-pot

has got his head in a bucket.

Mind you, if you look like Dave Hubbard, that's probably not such a bad idea,

the ugly motherf... Actually, can I give you a bell back later, Frank?

Do you have to do that so early?

You know what the early bird catches.

Yeah, Tourettes by the sound of it.

Hmmm. Exactly what kind of mortgage are you after?

It's, er... for a...

you know, a flat... I don't understand the question.

Endowment? Offset? Re-payment? Yep.

That was a choice.

Oh. What was the last one?

Repayment. Is there a type you don't have to repay, then?

So, you're an ice cream man, I'm not quite sure how you propose

to meet the repayments with this sort of income.

I've got other jobs I do in quiet periods.

Oh yes, I see you're proofreader.

Yep. You've spelt 'proof' wrong.

Have I?

It's my day off.

You've written poof reader.

I'm like a psychic for gay people.

I'm not sure we can offer you a mortgage today, sir.

I could come back tomorrow if that'd help?

You're the psychic. You tell me.

Why, are you a...

No.

So, no luck then?

Nope. I even tried the dodgier places like Mortgage Busters. Who?

They've got that ad with the elephant punching the bloke dressed as a county court judgement.

They all say the same thing. I can't afford the repayments.

Course you know what you need, don't you?

A flatmate, paying you rent. They'd give you a mortgage then.

A nice young lady, perhaps?

Single, blonde, attractive?

5ft 7, or whatever.

Brighten the place up, wouldn't it?

Nice, cosy evenings in front of the telly.

Nice romantic comedy.

Crack open a bottle of wine.

Get her pissed and...

Yeah, all right!

That's my...

that's my point.

I dunno.

Come on, you've shared before, with Kate.

Remember how satisfying it is to sit around in your Y-fronts

knowing at some point a woman would be appalled by it?

Yeah, but Kate was a one-off.

She was so laid-back, calm, easy-going. Where will I find someone like that?

No, you get stuffed, Frank!

You don't want Hubbard, you don't want Manning, or Jackson.

I tell you what, I don't want this contract.

'Calm down, Princess. Phone me after lunch.

And no more nobbing speakerphone,

'you sound like you're shouting at me from inside Courtney Love's c...'

Sorry. It's all right, perfectly understandable.

It's not easy being a woman in a man's world,

but you know that.

Sorry, I didn't mean... It's fine.

I'm pretty thick skinned.

Years of Dad telling me I held my cricket bat like a girl.

And my tennis racket.

And your Home Baker mixing bowl.

Home Baker mixing bowl.

You are really, really funny.

What do you want? How do you mean?

Every time you compliment me, you want something.

When I was five, you told me I had nice nostrils so I wouldn't tell Mum

you were smoking behind the bike shed.

Come on, let's not deny our middle-class upbringing.

It was actually a Panatela under the lavender gazebo.

Lee seems to be sorting himself out with the flat-buying.

In fact, he tells me he's looking for a flatmate so he can afford the mortgage.

It's a beautiful place.

Some lucky person

will be landing on their feet there.

I see.

What? You don't want me living with you any more.

Lucy, you're family...

Of course I don't.

It's a lovely flat, close to your office

and you can prove you were right about the 'squatter' not showing people round.

He'll hardly do that while I'm there!

Don't say you're my sister.

He's never met you, has he? He'll laugh about it when he finds out!

How funny will that be?

That funny, eh?

Look on the bright side.

He's rougher round the edges than me.

Think of all those speaker-phone conversations you can have about Courtney Love's...

lady pocket.

Little bugger! I almost had it that time and it jumped up and ran away again.