American Dad!

Mom.

Mom.

What is it, sweet pea?

I know it's before 6:00 and I'm a'sposed to stay asleep,

but could I play with a couple toys in my room

if I promise to be extra quiet?

Steve, we haven't had that rule since you were 3 years old.

Yes, but I still follow it independently.

Maybe just my Woodland Creatures Nesting set?

Sure, baby.

It has a mouse named Seymour.

Nuh, guh-way.

And there's a rabbit and an owl.

- And there's a bear. - Please, still dreaming.

- Can I play with him? - Sex with hot lady.

He sounds loud and mean, but I promise he's not.

Beach. Now she's an owl.

- Oh, good. - Why is she an owl?

- He's actually un-bear-ably cute. - Come back, hot lady.

Okay, that's that. I'm awake!

Steve, we're trying to sleep.

I know, Dad, that's why I was using my soft voice.

I hate your soft voice.

It reminds me everything about you is soft.

Stan, he's just a boy.

He can't be as hard as you.

Well, now I'm soft because he put an owl

into my dream about hot, filthy, porno-style ssss...

sandwiches!

Heard dad singing.

- That's my cue. - What are you doing?

Oh, I always sleep in here when you leave.

I feel like if I switch beds once a day,

I've really accomplished something.

It's a little productivity tip I got from Garfield.

Francine, are we sure these kids are mine?

100%.

With Steve.

And Hayley, yes.

The standoff between police

and the backwoods militia ended last night

in tragic, murderous fashion,

soaking our streets in blood,

and many now wonder who will clean those streets

before Langley's 6th Annual Bed Race!

Bed Race? Sounds like something my kids would be into.

Teams are already working around the clock

to prepare for this grueling event,

because those beds aren't for sleeping and dreaming.

They're for racing and winning.

Racing and winning?

That sounds like something you'd be into.

It does, and if I'm into it,

what's to stop me from forcing my kids to do it?

Child Services?

If they didn't take 'em away after the "alligator incident,"

I think it's pretty clear they ain't never comin'

for big daddy Stan's bouncin' bambinos.

Push through the burn!

Screw you! I hate your skank face.

I love you, let's work!

- Rogu can't. - Stay with it.

We can't let anything stop us from getting in shape.

Phone!

Noyce, it's a Memphis Stormfront VIP

Advanced Weather Alert-gasm!

There's gonna be an early

isolated snowstorm coming to Vermont.

I got to tell... Me!

Did you get the Alert-gasm?

Yeah, dude.

Someone's playin' with God's balls,

'cause he's spraying white gold all over Vermont.

Which means we get to do the one thing we bond over.

Sking!

Buon dia, my fresh, chunky plow gobblers!

You three hang out?

Hell yeah! We do when it comes to...

Sking!

How did you get up here?

I was excited. I jumped.

I've entered us in Langley Falls'

Bed Racing Extravaganza

to toughen you guys up, teach you about hard work.

Any questions?

Is this my mattress?

No, but it was almost Klaus'.

I was planning to turn him back into a human,

but that'll have to wait.

Oh, good, 'cause I just bought him

a 50-pound bag of fish flakes,

and it's the kind he doesn't like.

Okay, so let's talk design.

I've secured some ultra-light carbon fiber for the axle.

And what if we decorated it

with a princess bed canopy

and a chiffon furbelow?

That's nice.

Go back, go back.

Stop it!

We need to start thinking of this

as a racecar, not as a bed!

Maybe someone should tell her.

I can't be here right now.

I'm going to work.

Maybe clear my mind in the torture...

I mean, interrogation room.

Has anyone seen my iPad?

Is that it lying shattered on the ground?

And is that a 50-pound bag of Beefaroni fish food

that you know I don't like?

You guys don't respect me!

I should charge you like a bull!

- Do it. - Yeah, charge us.

Oh, damn.

What is all this?

We're doing CRISPR.

The children's cereal?

That's Crispix.

And it's not just for children.

Successful scientists like it, too.

CRISPR is Clustered Regularly Interspaced Short

Palindromic Repeats.

That's nerd talk for improvising

a sax solo over a 2-5-1 change on your double helix.

And that was jazz talk for we're editing DNA.

Can I show him the video?!

Of course you can, little buddy.

I'm Dr. Dubs, and this is my ride.

Many diseases, like those carried by mosquitoes,

could be eradicated by changing

a single letter of incorrect DNA.

Think of genetic code as a text document

that describes a living thing.

CRISPR can target the part of the DNA causing a problem...

then take a mug shot of the defective gene...

And delivers it to a surgical protein.

What the hell?! This is my video!

Not anymore.

I'm friends with the editor, and he hates you.

It's like putting an APB out on a defective gene.

And voilà!

You've changed a living organism

and created a malaria-free mosquito.

Is this real? Does it work on people?

Sure does. Wait.

- Jackson? - In the flesh.

I always wanted to be a wooly mammoth,

and CRISPR made it happen.

And these two swear this is exactly how big they were.

So it works on people, you say?

And my children are people, you say?

And I can borrow this for the weekend, you say?

He's going to take it, that's pretty clear.

Let's just stand here

and enjoy the smell of giant corn and each other.

You know what my favorite kind of skis are?

Brew-skis!

Open wide, Lewis.

Wait, no! I'm six months sober!

You're a good friend.

Hey, Roger, you put those snow chains on the tires

when we pulled over back there, right?

On the tires?

But if I had done that, then I couldn't do...

this! I'm a ghost!

Jeff, get back in your lane!

We could've died.

Yeah. And then we'd all be...

ghosts!

Ebenezer Scroooge!

Your DNA is ready for injection.

You may now play God.

Someone has to.

Excuse me. Mind if I move in?

Pleased to meet you, one-fanged Dracula.

My name's Unicorntail Softbottom.

Steve, honey, what are you doing?

You may come to regret asking me that, Francine.

I started cleaning out my closet and spotted a few choice mags.

Decided to drop trou and fire off

a few mortar rounds of Dreamy Stevie's Thick and Creamy...

Steven Anita!

What is wrong with you?!

Wrong? I feel better than ever.

I forgot to go to the zoo today.

Avoid Lisa's Dry-Cleaner's at all costs.

While I've never had anything dry-cleaned here,

the owner's attitude toward potential customers

needing to take a dump in the employee bathroom

shows me they more than deserve a one-star rating.

Oh, Francine, I need you to get the paperwork going

on a divorce with Jeff.

Time for me to do some big game hunting,

if you catch my drift.

What the...

Eh, nothin' to watch on the tube.

We could always make whoopie, Al.

Peggy, I'd rather bang a bowl of beans.

Stan, have you noticed that the kids are acting...