Remote Control

The only thing on cable worth watching is public access.

Everything else is just more of the same crapola.

As a paid-up member of the TV generation, I feel betrayed, don't you?

I can't feel anything. This thing's cutting my circulation off.

Ready for the, uh, "S&M Made Fun" tape?

No. This is gonna take awhile.

Alan, while I was renting that stupid tape I also picked up a movie. Might as well put it on.

Your favorite... 50s sci-fi.

Oh neat-o Milo... it really works!

Movies in our very own home.

I'm glad you're happy with it, Eva. I hear the Smiths have ordered one too.

Have to keep up with the times in the 1980s!

Julia! Dig this... this movie was made back in...

in 1957, and they predicted we were gonna have VCRs in the 1980s.

Thank the stars for modern conveniences.

Now I can do my knitting,

and watch my movies on television without any snickering brats chewing popcorn in my ears.

What are you watching, dear?

Milo?

There's something wrong with this movie.

I feel so strange!

Eva... Eva... Eva...

Eva... Eva... Eva!!

Dear... I asked what movie you're watching.

Eva... Eva! Eva...

Eva! Eva... Eva...

Eva?

Remote Control?

Remote Control... that's the name of this movie too.

Milo... Milo... Milo...

Milo... Milo... Milo...

Milo... Milo! Milo...

Milo! Milo... Milo...

No! Put that down!

Eva! What are you doing?!

No! Eva!

Alan.. Alan... Alan...

Alan.. Alan! Alan...

What the hell?

I'm suffocating in this thing.

Promise you'll take it off before the kids see me.

Alan? You're not recording me in this thing are you?

Alan.. Alan... Alan...

Alan... what's wrong?

Don't you hear it?

Hear what?

What's going on?

Julia... Julia... Julia...

Julia? Julia! Julia...

Julia! Julia? Julia...

Julia! Julia!! Julia...

No!

Julia!

Cosmo... stop stocking and help me set this display up, will ya?

Hi there.

Can I help you with something?

Stolen Kisses?

Stolen Kisses?

François Truffaut.

Sounds French. Maybe you should check the foreign section.

It is...

and I did.

Cosmo.

It's romantic, huh?

Very.

Yeah? What's it about?

Non-provisional love.

Interesting. Very... French, you know?

And very hard to find, I'm sad to say.

Which one?

I mean the tape? Or the love?

Both.

Cosmo!

Come here.

Oh, by the way, what's your name?

I mean, in case the tape comes in... who am I holding it for?

Belinda Watson.

Thanks for the help.

Thank you.

Boss!

Help me set this thing up, take that side.

Put that on the... wait, Cosmo, you're smoking. Don't smoke in the store, I told you a million times.

This whole thing's just supposed to snap right together, but I've been snapping on this thing all night and....

Aww, this thing's supposed to spin around.

Hey Georgie...

Why don't you try plugging it in, huh?

Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah?

Remote Control.

This sales guy comes in here the other day, he's handing out sample cassettes free,

if you run this display, so....

I took two.

And we get a mirror out of the deal.

Jeez.

Sure catches people's attention.

Really... the scariest thing you could look at is yourself.

Ask any shrink you want.

I'm way behind.

I gotta get back on rewind patrol, here.

You friggin' people know you got rewind buttons?

Oh, jeez, sorry sir.

Friggin' people keep your friggin' store open.

Uh, excuse me sir, he didn't mean to insult anybody.

That's just the way he is, he's, uh, got a motor mouth.

Motor mouth, huh? Yeah, so do you.

Cosmo!

Help me find a tape.

If you need any help, sir, just holler.

Excuse me.

Remote Control...

I thought they were all out.

Nope, just came in.

Might be too scary for you.

Maybe you'll have to come over and hold my hand.

Hey! It's mine! I had it first!

I'm very sorry ma'am.

- Uh, excuse me sir, all tapes first come, first served... - I saw it first and she knows it!

Uh, hold on one second sir.

Hey listen....

Can you do me a favor?

- What? - How about picking something else?

- No! - How do you know you're even gonna like it?

- You know. - Ever see War of the Worlds?

No.

Uh, sir?

She says if she can find War of the Worlds,

she'll gladly give you her copy of Remote Control.

I never said that.

I couldn't find my other choice.

Sorry.

Wait in the car, I'll be right there.

Okay, here's your tape and your card. Thanks a lot.

Sweetie Pie...

Could you hold War of the Worlds for me when it gets in?

- Sure, you got it. - I hear it's almost as good as Remote Control.

- Here, let me bag that for you. - Okay.

Oh, sir, I can hold Remote Control for you when it comes back if you want.

No, that won't be necessary. Thanks.

"That won't be necessary?"

Cosmo, remind me to order about another dozen of those Remote Controls.

They moved outta here like Springsteen tickets.

Look at this.

Maybe lookin' at yourself in the mirror is the scariest thing you can do,

but those people are dying to do it.

Sure you don't want a bag for that?

Bye bye.

Hey Cosmo!

War of the Worlds.

It was on the return cart the whole time.

That chick Allegra wanted this.

Why don't you call her and tell her we got it?

Me?

Why don't you deliver it to her?

Would you go with me?

I mean you can just wait in the car or something. Keep me company.

Georgie....

When are you gonna learn? Women don't bite.

You keep using crutches you'll never learn to walk.

I'm not using crutches.

My sister's here.

What's up big guy?

C'mon up here, give Uncle Cosmo a hug.

- Hi Georgie. - Hi Patricia, how are ya?

- Not bad. - Can I have a tape, Uncle Cosmo?

No, no tapes for him.

Go pick out something good.

I just got through telling him no tapes! Cosmo, why are you spoiling him?

Hey, close your eyes when you pass the adult section!

Cosmo, let's shut this stuff off and go home.

Wow.

Remote Control?

Milo... Milo... Milo...

Milo... Milo... Milo!

Help! Put that down!

Eva! What are you doing?!

No! Eva!

That's enough, he's dead already.

Oh gross.

What's your problem, lady?

Oh my god, I'm on Candid Camera!

Hi Alan Funt!

What are you doing here?

I came to see the movie.

I thought "Hey..."

"Why not lose control together?"

Allegra... Allegra... Allegra...

What's that noise?

What is it?

What if she takes the tape and slams the door in my face?

Just keep your nose out of the way, that's all.

Hey, you think you'll get back with Delores?

I mean if I had a girlfriend with half the tits Delores had, I'd marry her in a second.

Georgie, you don't marry tits.

Oh yeah?

That's why my sister's divorced and Matthew don't have a father.

Same thing happened with my parents.

Whatever they saw in each other was purely physical.

Love, Georgie.

Non-provisional love, no strings attached.