Splashback

In the end, it's simple:

some spend their whole lives hiding behind their desks,

and then die in anonymity. Teachers are a great example of that.

While others, guided by their instincts, relentless drive,

and dutiful patriotism,

bravely lead our nation into a new and exciting future.

I like to think I'm on the tip of that sword.

My name's gonna be a part of history. Napoleon, Columbus,

Alexander the fucking Great. Carved in stone.

- Jack Wancker. - It just annoys me.

Splashback. From the urinal. I hate it.

You know, just... droplets bouncing off the porcelain.

Leaves you with sprayed khakis and yellow stains on the shirt.

Somebody should do something about it.

I'm talking about history in the making here, and you're talking about piss?

Well, it's the big problem for 70 percent of the male population.

Except for the little boys, who aren't tall enough to reach the porcelain.

Clearly you don't understand the importance of what's about to happen.

No, ahm, yeah...

I'm really happy for ya. For us both.

Sure, you're a part of it too.

Day of the Apollo 11 Launch July, 16, 1969.

United States Space Agency.

Wow, she's a real beauty, ha?

The main event, ha?

Yeah.

I was just wondering, did you manage to get a chance to talk to your boss?

Ahm, no.

- I guess you've just been to busy. - No, I just forgot.

Why, I would really appreciate it if you could.

You know, maybe I'd get a chance to pitch some of my ideas,

you know, have chance at R&D.

Look, I've known you for how long? Five years?

Ten years, actually. You know, you married my sister.

- We're brothers in law. - Right.

And that's exactly the reason you should forget about it.

And your mind is just not creative enough for R&D.

Well, I've invented a few things myself, you know?

- Any of it work? - Well no, but, you know...

Things work out even if they don't in the beginning.

It's a high pressure environment, you couldn't cope with the stress.

The guys over there, they're geniuses.

Look, you're very important to us,

and that's the reason you should stay in the spot that we need you the most:

Supplies.

SUPPLIES

Hey, how are you doin'?

Ten... nine... ignition sequence starts...

Six... five... four... three... two... one... zero...

All engines running.

Lift-off! We have a lift-off, 32 minutes past the hour. Lift-off on Apollo 11.

Neil, we can see you coming down the ladder now.

That's one small step for man,

one giant leap for mankind.

Not since Columbus has there been such a historic event.

Me and my boys did a hell of a job.

Now we're not only the greatest nation on the planet,

but also... the Moon. Thank you.

That's one small toast for man, one giant for mankind.

To me! And my boys up there. May they return home safely.

Wancker, Wancker, Wancker!

Can you believe it? I fuckin' did it. I'm a part of history.

Amazing, right?

- And you deserve it. - Thanks, buddy.

I've been meaning to show you something.

I finally cracked the splash back problem.

You're looking at "The Urinal Splash Guard 1.0."

It'll forever change the way we experience micturition.

Huh, it's a real game changer.

Hey! So, uhm, you work for the Space Agency?

You bet.

I'll bet everything I have. Not that I have much.

Jeez, that's so swell.

- So, uhm, know any astronauts? - Neil and I are... very close.

Wow!

Maybe you'd like to discuss space exploration a little more... in-depth?

Well, she seems like a nice young lady. I bet my sister would love her.

Yeah she's, uhm, very interested in the whole Moon thing... process.

Anyway, you were talkin' about a... pee net?

I like to call it "The Urinal Splash Guard 1.0".

The quintessential barrier between the porcelain and stream impact.

Every hole, pitch and diameter mathematically precise.

Anyway, I built this urinating simulator, for test purposes.

Oh, a fascinating piece of machinery.

It's tested "The Urinal Splash Guard 1.0" to it's limits.

And confirmed all my theories.

But, to be one hundred percent certain,

I need additional input parameters from the field.

What, me?

Well, it would be delightful if you could.

Why not. Gotta take a leak anyway.

You know, this kinda feels like, my own personal Apollo launch.

You do realize that I'm about to piss on your idea?

Heh, yeah.

That's a good one!

One might think

that the process of aiming urination can be summarized

with "get it all in the bowl", but that would be wrong.

The physics of splash dynamics is thoroughly complicated.

Have you ever heard of the Plateau- Rayleigh instability phenomenon?

A... a falling stream of liquid will break into little droplets,

and it's these that are the perpetrators of the splash formation on your khakis.

Moment of truth.

And?

- Guess it's dry. - We have to be certain.

- You mind if I take a look? - All right.

Oh my God.

No drops. No wetness.

No visible or tactile signs of splash back.

- I did it! It works! - Enough!

We landed on the fuckin' Moon, and here we are,

in the pisser, you pestering me about your goddamn pee net.

It's called "The Urinal Splash Guard 1.0".

Who cares what it's called?

- What the fuck? - It's the prototype.

This... is ridiculous.

Another historic day is upon us.

Our heroes have returned home.

For the first time, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin,

and Michael Collins will share their personal experiences

of their heroic Apollo mission with the public.

Hey!

Visitors are not allowed in this area.

I... I work here.

Yeah? Well, I've never seen and I would have,

'cause... I'm a lavatory supervisor.

I run this place.

George...

- Loser? - It's Losser, double S.

I believe humans have a finite amount of heartbeats

and I don't intend to waste mine on exercise.

- Last question. - Ricky Deck, LA Brutalist.

Mr. Armstrong, what is our place in the universe and where are we heading?

Well, scientifically, Earth is travelling many thousand of miles per hour

in the direction of the constellation Hercules,

to an unknown destination in the cosmos.

But I can tell you much more precisely where I'm going,

and that's the little boys room.

If space teaches you anything,

it's to appreciate the quality of a good ol' fashioned pee.

Embrace the mystery.