Family Guy

Episode 20 - The Jersey Bore

Boy, oh, boy.

- Is it Friday yet? - Tomorrow.

And actually, in Tasmania, it's already Friday.

I thought you'd be more fun.

Griffin, you'll be very happy to know

I've finished conducting

my employee productivity evaluations.

I used a system called

the Determining Employee Advancement,

Duties, Work-Engagement, Intelligence-Gains Hourly Test,

or DEADWEIGHT.

And my results show you

to be the brewery's least productive employee.

- So, pack your bags. - I'm fired?

No, you're going on a business trip with me as my assistant,

since you won't be missed at the office.

We're meeting with our New Jersey distributor

in Atlantic City.

Everyone, I'll be away on business

for a few days starting tomorrow,

so we're bringing in a substitute boss.

I hope he's a hard-ass.

But what if he's wearing jeans?

Hey, guys, my first name is Dan,

which is what you'll all call me.

Now, who wants to watch Ratatouille?

Sorry, that guy over there tripped me.

Mr. Edwards, the guidance counselor?

Yeah, the bullying in this school has gotten

a little out of hand.

You must be Heather, the new girl.

How'd you know I was new?

I'm Quahog's number three Realtor.

I really wanted to sell that house to your folks,

but you're in great hands with Gil.

What's this?

Principal Shepherd is directing

an adaptation of Baz Luhrmann's

William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

The local Ruth's Chris Steak House is sponsoring it.

I'm playing Juliet.

Wow. You're Juliet

in Ruth's Chris's Principal Shepherd's

Baz Luhrmann's William Shakespeare's

Romeo and Juliet?

Yes, it's great,

but we're auditioning for a new Romeo.

The parents of the boy we cast said

he needed emergency conversion therapy.

Anyway, nice to meet you, Chris.

I have to be in that play.

Nice hat, dork!

That's not nice, Mrs. Danneman, the elderly school nurse.

Peter, is something wrong?

We've been here an hour,

and you've hardly touched your penis.

It's not like you. It's getting cold.

Sorry, guys.

I just found out I have to meet my stupid boss

in Atlantic City for a business trip.

Peter, business trips are great.

Yeah, haven't you seen Cedar Rapids with Ed Helms?

He plays a salesman who goes to a conference

in the titular city.

There, he encounters three repeat attendees

who lead him on a profound weekend journey,

equal parts hope and self-discovery.

I memorize Rotten Tomatoes movie descriptions.

You'll have one meeting, and then the rest of the time

- you just party. - Party with Preston?

But he doesn't drink.

I wish you guys could come.

Wait a minute. Why not?

You guys should drive down with me.

- All right! - Let's do it!

Cedar Rapids, rated R for drug use

and mild sexual content!

I've never been to Atlantic City.

Let's just watch this ad from their tourism department.

Welcome to Atlantic City,

the inspiration for Bruce Springsteen's saddest song.

Want to see brown ocean water stained with gasoline rainbows?

Come on down to Atlantic City!

Love to watch guys with no noses fight women with trach holes?

You're in luck!

And if you're wondering where Taylor Hicks has been,

he's here!

In a small lounge with a low stage.

Atlantic City!

Come flick a lit cigarette at a dealer today!

"Published by the Samuel French Company,

"New York, copyright this ed.

MCMLXX."

- What are you doing? - Reading Romeo and Juliet.

We're doing it at school,

and this girl I like is playing Juliet.

I'm going to audition for Romeo.

There's kissing.

Chris, listen, acting isn't easy.

You're going to need some help.

See what I'm doing? Scarf, a high stool?

One leg up, hands clasped over knee?

Engaged and in the moment.

Do you know what this means?

- You're gay... - An acting coach, yes.

What does a baby know about acting?

Yes, I'm a baby.

It's hard being youngest,

always looking for a way to distinguish myself,

to contribute.

Stewie, I-I didn't mean it.

Neither did I. That was acting, Chris.

Wow. You're amazing.

Do you think you can give me some pointers?

It will be my great honor.

That was also acting.

Thought I'd swing by work first

and pick up a case of beer for the road.

Then we're off.

Hear him breathe?

AC's on full blast, and he's covered in sweat.

Lois'll be a widow soon, right?

Yeah, he's circling the drain.

And let me guess-- no estate planning?

Would you guys tell me if my car smelled this bad?

Everywhere I look, I see another stray french fry.

Hey, guys? I know I'm new to the group,

but Peter's not here to defend himself,

so I don't think it's right for us to talk about him like this.

Griffin? What are you doing here?

Oh, hey, Preston.

Why do you have a case of beer?

Oh. Oh, this? Um, uh, samples.

- For clients. - Excellent idea.

Say, why don't you just drive me?

That way I can be productive the entire trip.

It'll be like Green Book, a movie I only saw

because I believed it to be a book.

Oh, yeah, you know, I once tried to read Jaws

'cause I thought it was the movie.

Couldn't go into a library for years after that.

Guys, listen, Preston wants to drive with me.

He can't know you're all coming, so everyone in the way back.

I'm not hiding in the back of your car.

Why? There's nothing in there except for Lois' jog bras.

All right, you heard the man! Everyone in!

These are Meg's! We've been duped!

Hop in, boss.

If I speed, we can make it in four hours.

You'll do a steady 55 miles per hour,

and we will stop to read historical markers

along the way.

Starting with the Museum

of Black Guy Mustaches. Oh!

Some hotel.

They only had smoking rooms

and very smoking rooms.

Check it out, a stack of prewritten suicide notes.

All you have to do is sign your name.

This place has everything.

I wish there were more than two beds.

I'll just sleep in my chair.

You sleep sitting up, Joe?

Yeah, Bonnie puts a falcon hood on me,

and I go right out.

I'm calm and no longer motivated by prey.

Griffin, open up.

Guys, hide in the shower.

Hello, Griffin. I'm right next door

in a slightly larger room.

Seems like an unnecessary detail.

Here is this weekend's itinerary.

We're working all weekend?!

Griffin, our New Jersey distributor is threatening

to drop our beer in favor of hard seltzer,

because... New Jersey.

I need to convince them

that we are the best scumbag beverage around.

If we lose this account, we lose the brewery.

And then it's time to cast open the windows

and drop to the freedom of the pavement.

I read that in a stack of suicide notes in my room.

See you at 1800 hours, Peter.

I better shower because I have no idea

how soon or late that is.

Hey! Ah!

What the hell?! Sorry, I forgot.

Why are you at half-mast?

I'm 45, Joe. That's full mast.

Chris, any good acting coach will tell you

that before your audition, it's important to warm up.

Now let's improve. Give me a location.

Stewie's bedroom.

Okay, maybe just spend another second on...

Stewie's bedroom!

Okay, fine. And a profession?

Acting teacher.

Again, maybe just give it one more...

Failed actor?