The Suite Life on Deck

Attention, dudes and dudettes,

I have a most excellent announcement.

This Friday we're gonna celebrate the '8os!

Oooh, Happy Birthday, miss tutweiller!

I meant the 198os

When I was your age and had so many hopes and dreams.

Anyway, we're gonna have a dance.

And I have already got all the decorations.

- Where'd you dig up all that junk? - From my bedroom.

Now I need three volunteers to sign up for the dance committee.

Ah, the sign-up sheet is all filled out, miss tutweiller.

- Oh. - Hehe.

- - - Oh, Woody!

Uh-huh. Huh?

I can't believe you signed up for grindage,

Mondo decor and Ralph patrol.

In English, please.

Oh, food, decorations and clean up.

The '8os just made it to kettlecorn last year.

So did the Internet.

So, Cody, since you're not going to the dance this weekend,

I need you to write up my history paper. It's on Julius Caesar salad.

First of all, Julius Caesar was a Roman emperor,

Not a leafy side dish.

And second,

What makes you think I'm not going to the dance?

You can't exactly show up solo after your breakup.

And it's not like girls are beating down your door...

Unless they're on the inside trying to escape.

Look, I know I'm a little out of dating practice,

But once girls know I'm available, they'll be lining up.

Yeah, they'll swarm you like bears to honey.

The phrase is bees to honey.

Right, but I'm picturing the kind of girl you'll attract:

Big, hairy and eats out of garbage cans.

Are you guys talking about me?

Ugh, this dance is gonna be With a capital...

Don't help me here.

I think it might be kind of fun.

Whatever. Anyways, while you're home alone that night

I need you to write my paper on Julius Caesar's palace.

Julius Caesar was a Roman emperor, not a casino.

And actually I was planning on going to the dance.

By yourself? After a breakup?

That doesn't spell loser with a capital...

Okay, help me here.

What makes you think I'm going alone?

You scraped the bottom of the barrel with Cody.

I mean, the only thing left is the actual barrel.

I can so get a date!

Back in kettlecorn I had many gentlemen callers.

Were they calling you to fix their tractor?

Maybe.

I hereby call this first meeting

Of the flashback to the '8os dance committee to order.

First item of business, roll call.

Woody fink.

Here.

I'm the only one here.

Sorry to interrupt.

The chair recognizes Mr. Moseby.

I'm afraid the sky deck has been double-booked for this Friday.

You'll have to reschedule your dance.

I can't! We've already handed out flyers.

And besides, you can't just barge in here

And tell me to cancel my party.

I didn't barge. I was recognized.

Point taken. But under no circumstances

Will I disappoint my students.

They are already bursting with excitement.

Sold!

The other event happens to be my renaissance dance

For the teenage passengers- who are genuinely thrilled.

Yes, I'm sure. Nothing says "let's party"

Like beheadings, pestilence, Bubonic plague... whoo-hoo!

That will scare away less people

Than your "spinsters just wanna have fun" look.

Oh, I doubt that!

Just change your date! - And lose my deposit on the minstrels?

- I thinketh not. - I don't care what you thinketh.

Well, I thinketh you stinketh! - Come on.

- - - Come on!

There's gotta be a compromise here.

Why not just share the sky deck?

All right.

Fine!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for a mutton tasting.

- What's mutton? - Tough old sheep meat.

I'm there.

Hey there.

I notice you're drinking a pomegranate punch.

Did you know that the rind of the pomegranate

Is often used as a remedy for diarrhea,

Dysentery and other intestinal parasites?

Are you going to get a pad to write that down?

Now if you turn to page 14,

You'll see that I'm a great conversationalist...

In over six languages, including the khoisan clicking language of Namibia.

Oh-hhh, wow.

What a...

I can't wait for this dance to be over.

Miss tutweiller saved everything she ever owned from the '8os

Including her old leg warmers.

Wow, someone had cankles.

So you got a date for the dance yet?

Oh... Well, of course I've got a date.

It was hard to pick just one,

But sometimes you've got to break a few hearts to make an omelet.

...That tastes like hearts.

So who are you taking?

Oh, you don't know her, but she is just fantastic.

Really? What's she like?

Uh, well, uh... What isn't she like? She...

Has got hair that, uh, flows... Right out of her head.

And, um, eyes.

Two of them.

Right above her nose.

Just the way I like them.

Well, I have a great date for the dance too.

Yeah, he's got shoulders...

Right near his neck.

And a chin!

I mean, right below his mouth, Just where you want it to be.

Wow.

Both your dates sound so... Anatomically correct.

I look forward to meeting her.

And me he.

So then I told her I had a date... a good one too, with hair and everything.

- But I lied. - You're going with a bald girl?!

If only. Ugh. I got nothing.

Ah, then it's your lucky day

For I have a bevy of babes on speed dial.

Now let's see... tall blondes,

Bodacious brunettes, spunky redheads.

Ah, here we go... pity dates.

No, I need someone great.

Bailey's going to show up to the dance with this

Hunky jock of a guy with shoulders right below his neck,

And I'm striking out.

Because you're swinging too hard.

Girls can smell insecurity a mile away.

And you reek of desperation and...

Baby powder?

I have prickly heat.

Okay, yo diaper rash aside,

Your bigger problem is you're too nice.

You have to act like me. Girls love the whole bad-boy thing I've got going on.

Well, maybe that works for you,

But I choose to believe girls respond to charm

And sensitivity and, well, Someone who's not afraid to cry.

You really are the sister I never wanted.

So I told Cody I d a date...

A great one, with a chin and everything.

I'll look like a total loser if I don't show up with a hunk.

- Hunk of what? - Guy.

Why can't I get one to ask me out?

Cause you scare them away with your smarticles.

I know this may be hard to believe,

But sometimes I act dumb to get a guy.

No-ooo.

Oh, I haven't felt this nostalgic since

The '8os movie marathon in my cabin Friday night.

Oh, sorry I missed it.

But I heard your cats gave it 40 cws up.

Hello!

Hello hello hello... I love doing that!

Hey, I thought we said we were going to share the sky deck.

Oh, we did! And I saved a cozy little spot for you

Back under the staircase.

We'll just see about that.

Hey, easy!

I had that flown in from tipton castle.

It was for king Arthur's knights of the round table.

It was for the kids' table.

Why do you care so much about your druids and demons dorkdom?

Who cares that none of those stuck up girls

Would go to the dance with us?!

This is way cooler.

who am I kidding?

I'm gointo spend the rest of my life stuck in a basement with you losers!

I just do, okay?!

I mean, why do you care so much about your moldy oldie '8os throwback?

Wait, what do you mean you're not taking me to the dance?