South Park

We are South Park, Green and White. Let's go, Cows! Fight fight fight!

Nobody can beat a Cow! Let's gooo, South Park!

Hey, South Park! Do you have school spirit?

Moooooooo!

I think us Cows have the best school spirit. Huh, Mandy?

Yeah, and South Park is really gonna stick it to Littleton next week!

Let's bring out our mascot and get this pep rally going!

It's Billy! Uh, Billy will wave for me! Wave for me, Billy!

We are People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals! We protest your insensitive use of cows as your school mascot!

Oh Jesus, not PETA again.

Cows are maimed and slaughtered and used as a commodity!

This is unfair to the cows! This is your insensitivity!

EWWW!

The cow is a slave! The cow is a commodity! To be thrown away by a society gone wrong!

All right, children, I have just been informed that since our school has been attacked

by eco-terrorists for the 47th time, we are going to change our school mascot.

AWWWWWWWWW!!!

Buh, Mr. Garrision, if we change our mascot that means the eco-terrorists win!

That's right, Stanley, the eco-terrorists win.

Now, I have here a mascot selection sheet.

Every student is supposed to check the box next to the mascot they like the most.

And the most popular selection will be the school's new mascot.

But we like being the Cows!

You're responsible for the enslavement and genocide of millions!

Get, get outta here, PETA! We're changin' the mascot already!

Who'll speak for those who cannot speak for themselves??

Go on, get, get outta here!

Get, get out!

Jesus, where do they keep coming from??

Go on, get outta here.

This is bullcrap, dude!

Now children, it's not that bad. There's plenty of great new mascots on the sheet to chose from.

The Hurricanes, the Blizzards, the Redskins, the Indians...

But aren't Indians and Redskins just as offensive?

No, those are fine. PETA doesn't care about people.

Goddamnit PETAns piss me off! We're never gonna end up with a stupid eagle or a faggy bobcat as a mascot.

Wait. You guys, I have an awesome idea!

We should secretly go around and tell all the students we can to not check any of

the mmascots on this election sheet, and instead write in "Giant Douche."

Ye-heah!

Yeh- no, no, wait wait wait. I got a better idea you guys.

What we should do is we should secretly go around and tel all the sstudents we can to not check any of

the mascots on this election sheet, and instead write in "Turd Sandwich."

Turd Sandwich isn't better than Giant Douche.

Heh, it's only about a thousand times better, am I right guys?

Come on! We have to tell everybody fast! This is gonna be soo funny!

It was MY idea and we're gonna tell everyone to write in "Giant Douche!" It's way funnier!

IT IS NOT!!!

Kenny, what's funnier? A giant douche or a turd sandwich?

Aw, you're just saying that because I broke your cat's leg last week.

Stan, do you pick giant douche or turd sandwich?

Dude, I really don't care.

That's two against one, 'cause Stan doesn't care. So it's giant douche.

...Wait wait, what about Butters?

Huh?

You hate Butters.

Goddamnit you guys, Butters is our friend! And he's allowed to have his opinion!

Butters which is funnier? A stupid not-funny giant douche or a super funny turd sandwich?

Hahaa, a turd sandwich!

You misled him, fat ass!

It's the best choice, and me and Butters are sticking with it.

Yeah! ...What's this for?

Jimmy, we're gonna have everyone write in a mascot that's really funny,

and you have to tell us which one would be funnier..

That''s a... fantastic idea fellas. Uh, the key to successful humor is s- staying power. Uh tell me the first mascot idea.

A giant douche.

Heh, huh okay, that's pretty funny. Now, what's the second?

A turd sandwich.

Turhr... Ohokahay. Okay, now let's wait ten seconds.

Okay now, t-tell me the first one again?

Giant douche.

And the second?

Turd sandwich.

Gee, th-they're both screamingly funny, fellas Uhhhbetter give it another ten seconds.

All right, now we'll see which one really has staying power. Number one?

A giant douche.

Okay, I think, that's it. Number 2?

Turd sandwich.

Gee, I don't know what to say, fellas. They're both instant classics.

But I guess I'll have to go with giant douche, simply because the fact that it's a giant renders it useless,

adding a parody slant to the satire.

AWWWW!!

Ohhh, we lost?

All right, it's decided. Let's all write in "Giant Douche."

Okay. You win, Kyle.

Attention students, we have tallied your mascot nomination sheets,

and there will now be a school-wide vote between the top two nominations.

So here is the first most-requested candidate, a giant douche.

Go giant douche!

Hey, South Park! Have we got school spirit??

We've got spirit, yes we do! Giant douches me and you! Let's gooooo, Douches!

And now your second nominee, Turd Sandwich.

All right turd sandwich!

Yeah!

Cartman? What the hell??

Giant Douche sucks!

We've got spirit, yes we do! We are sandwiches filled with poo! Yeeaahhh!

Students can now cast their choice between the Giant Douche and the Turd Sandwich.

We'll count up the votes on Tuesday.

You won't get more votes than us, asshole!

Dream on, Jew boy!

Yeah, dream on, Jew boy!

Be sure to vote for Giant Douche.

Giant Douche is your man!

Kyle, aren't you taking this a little too far? I mean, do we really want a giant douche to be our school mascot?

Dude, I'm not going to lose to Cartman's stupid turd sandwich.

Vote for Turd Sandwich. This is the most important election of our lives.

Turd Sandwich brings us hope for change. A vote for Turd Sandwich is a Vote for Tomorrow!

There. Do you really want that asshole to win?

I'm not voting!

What? Y-you gotta vote, dude. Haven't you seen the Rock the Vote stuff or, or Puff Daddy's Vote or Die??

I just think this whole thing is stupid!

Kenny, we have got to make Stan understand the importance of voting, because he'll definitely vote for our guy.

How was school today, Stanley?

It was ridiculous. We have to have a new school mascot

and we're supposed to vote between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.

...What did you say?

Did you just say that... voting is ridiculous?

No, I think voting is great, but, if I have to choose between a douche and a turd, I just don't see the point.

You don't see the point!! Oh you young people just make me sick!

Stanley, do you know how many people died so you could have the right to vote?!

Mom, a-I just don't think there's much of a difference between a douche and a turd. I d-I don't care.

You don't care?! You really want a turd sandwich as your school mascot?! On your football helmets?! A turd?!

Well, hold on, Randy, I think a turd sandwich is a little better than them having a giant douche on their uniforms.

You're crazy!! A d-a douche is at least clean!

It's sexist is what it is!

You don't understand the issues, Sharon!

Are you calling me ignorant??

You think the school mascot should be a turd sandwich? Well you're not exactly Einstein!

I am sick of you belittling my opinion, you son of a bitch!

I hate this family, I hate it!

Puff Daddy?

Your friend Kyle said you don't understand the importance of voting.

I...

Apparently you haven't heard of my "Vote or Die" campaign.

"Vote or Die"?

What the hell does that even mean?!

What you think it means, bitch!

AAAAH!!

Vote or die, mother_, mother_er, vote or die!

Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick a knife through your eye.

Democracy is founded on one simple rule!

Get out there and vote or I will mother__ kill you.

Yeh.

I like it when you vote, bitch! (bitch!)

Shake them titties when you vote, bitch! (bitch!)

I slam my jimmy through your mouth roof (mouth roof)

Now get your big ass in the pollin' booth.

I said vote, bitch, or I'll f_____ kill you!

Vote or die, mother_, mother_, vote or die!

You can't run from a .38, go ahead and try!

Let your opinion be heard! You gotta make a choice

'Cause after I slit your throat you won't have a f____ voice

'Vote or die! Vote or die!

Okay. I'll vote.

Hello, Clyde.

What do you guys want?

We were just wondering who you might be voting for, for the school's new mascot.

I haven't decided yet.

Oh really? Well that's interesting. You certainly should think about it and make the right decision.

Butterscotch candy?

Sure.

Clyde, are you aware of what Turd Sandwich can bring to our school?

A turd sandwich is not only the first turd to be nominated school mascot, but even the first, sandwich.

You see, what Turd Sandwich brings to our school, Clyde, is a complete package.

The turd and the coin. And the lettuce, and the olives.

Whe-whereas Giant Douche is just, well ju-just a, ju-ju-just a giant douche.

So, come voting day, you'll now most likely vote for the turd sandwich, yes?

I'm still not totally sure.

Well then, perhaps we could interest you in

another butterscotch candy?

You're doing the right thing, Stan. Don't you feel like you're a part of something now?