In Treatment

I came home from work a little late,

but I brought dinner, vegetarian,

and she wasn't there.

Once again, Anita, what you're saying is

that you got so caught up in your work life

that Elaine couldn't help but feel excluded.

And, Elaine... the moment that you felt shunted aside,

you ran back to your family.

Exactly.

It feels like you're kind of locked in this cycle, that's very diff...

Walter, you're a little early, and we're still in session.

Oh, jeez. I'm sorry.

- I'll come back. - Thank you.

So... I'm sorry, where were we?

Locked in a cycle.

I'm sorry about earlier.

It happens.

I didn't realize how many fellow patients there were.

You're busy all the time, aren't you?

So they...

finally released me Monday afternoon.

Thank you for your help.

Connie and Natalie picked me up.

We headed straight out for the bay.

I have a few shacks there...

that Connie likes to call a compound... on Shelter Island.

We drove up... a warm day,

first southerly wind of the new year.

It was a beautiful day on Monday.

It's amazing when the cold finally

breaks.

Everything was so muddy, though.

They're a few weeks behind the city Weatherwise.

The snow had just melted

and the ground was just soaked.

I imagine it felt good to be...

outside, especially after the last few weeks.

You could say that. But...

it didn't?

Well, no, the air felt great.

It's just that...

Connie and Natalie... They were just so...

tentative with me.

There's a separate studio near the main house

that I've used as an office sometimes, or sometimes just to...

for a little peace and quiet when the kids were younger.

I wanted to go there but they kept asking me why.

Was there anything you needed to do in your office?

Well, take care of some bills.

But mostly I just wanted to be by myself.

I just wanted to have a little peace.

That's unusual for you.

Well, Connie's a talker... She's always been a talker...

and I guess over the years I've learned how to tune it out.

But this time you didn't.

Something about her pitch... It just bothered me.

So I went to the office,

and a few minutes later I looked up

and there's Natalie spying on me from her bedroom window.

She's still...

She's still on duty.

Yeah, like I was a little boy that someone had to babysit.

You told me once

that when you were a little boy yourself,

you were the one on duty with your parents.

I didn't do that much,

just kept an eye on things. Really it's nothing even worth talking about.

So what did you do when you saw Natalie

keeping an eye on you?

I glared.

Then about minutes later she brought me some tea

which I hadn't asked for.

And she asked if she could just sit with me.

- And how was that? - Brief.

She's my daughter. I don't go to her with my problems.

You have a good relationship with her, though.

You wrote to her almost every day when she was in Rwanda.

I imagine she'd worry less if you talked to her a little bit more

about what's been going on with you.

Well, I just didn't feel like talking.

So I went to the shed

and got this immense pair of clippers and,

I started hacking away at the brush down by the water,

limbing the trees and paring down the bushes.

God, tore my hands up something terrible.

All that brush-clearing...

it's kind of like what we've been doing in here.

You lost me on that one.

In the sense that we've been working on clearing paths,

opening up your view of how you got to where you are.

So when you mentioned this week's thaw,

it made me think of the way our last session ended.

You know,

between the pills and the therapists I saw at the hospital,

I'm not sure I even remember that one.

You really don't remember?

I find that striking,

given how emotional a moment that was.

Well, I know we talked about getting me out of the cuckoo's nest.

And I showed you my pot holder.

Then I got angry about you bringing up Connie's rehab.

I meant after that, when we talked about the two Walters...

the one who you knew and the one you didn't know.

That's right.

You seemed quite moved

when we talked about reconnecting to the lost Walter.

Well, I might have teared up a bit,

but I was tired and there's been

a lot of stress.

I understand that,

but my memory is that you didn't just tear up.

You were actually sobbing.

What is it, Walter?

Where did you go?

I just remembered a dream I had this week.

Mr. Donaldson called me in for a meeting.

Only it wasn't in an office.

It was...

It was in an old garage.

I went in,

we shook hands

and he told me they'd traced

the source of the contamination and that it wasn't anything we'd done wrong.

Some nut job deliberately tampering with the product

and then putting it back on shelf.

Go on.

I felt vindicated. And then,

the old man did something he never did...

he apologized.

He said that letting go of me

was the biggest mistake he'd ever made,

that he wanted me to take my old job back.

You'd be Walter Barnett, C.E.O. again.

I tried to answer,

but I couldn't speak.

I opened my mouth,

but I couldn't get any words out.

I woke up in a sweat.

I kept trying to dive back into the dream, but I couldn't get there.

You wanted to finish the conversation?

What did you make of that dream?

Well, I guess I still want to think the whole mess never happened.

I want my old life back.

Do you?

Because you said you couldn't get any words out.

Is it possible that you weren't sure if you

wanted to go back?

Probably just bargaining.

Could be.

Or perhaps now with a little distance

you have a greater sense of the enormous strain

you've been under for so long.

- It never used to feel like a strain. - That's right.

I think you genuinely didn't feel it.

You've become exceptionally adept at overriding your feelings.

That's what we were beginning to talk about last week.

Do you remember?

Right,

how the weak Walter couldn't handle the stress.

Did you think about that

Walter this week?

The lost boy?

No, not really.

- You did make me think about my father. - Your father?

How did I do that?

Just before, when I came early and I walked in on you,

you just had a look on your face that reminded me of him.

In what way?

After Tommy...

after the accident,

he couldn't sleep nights anymore.

Insomnia?

Yeah, and he started to work the graveyard shift.

And

when he'd come home from the factory,

he didn't want to wake up my mother,

so he'd go to sleep on the couch.

And I'd come downstairs and I'd want to talk to him, you know, about...

I don't know...

the day before, what happened at school.

And there was that look.

Can you describe it?

"How the hell do I get rid of you

"without making you feel bad?"

Come on, listen, it's okay. Really, you were busy.

If it had been my session and somebody walked in, I would have been pissed off.

Still, you felt rejected, even abandoned.

I was early.

Right, the same way you were too early for your dad.

Work comes first.

That's life.

My mother didn't see much of him either.

She got used to it.

She'd come home from the hospital... she was a nurse...

and I'd fix her an old-fashioned.

We'd eat.

I'd fix her another.

I had to get the cherry and the orange wedge just right.

Then she'd go in her bedroom.

I was always nervous that