Anger Management

Great session, everybody.

And don't forget... do your best, don't assume,

don't take it personal, and be your word.

I'll never remember all that. I'm just gonna pick two.

I'll take assume and that word thing.

Oh, man. I was gonna do the word thing.

Everybody can do the word thing.

It wasn't meant to be an assignment.

- It's more of a motto. - Ed: It's too long.

A motto's gotta fit on a bumper sticker

like "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

Ed, you should check your bumper because the one on your car now says,

"My other ride is a penis."

How do these things happen? It's a mystery.

Guys, guys. If bumper stickers ever changed people's minds,

we wouldn't even be here right now

because we'd all rather be fishing and braking for boobs.

- See ya Monday. - Sorry to barge in.

I'm just outside waiting, Dad.

Everybody, I'd like to introduce my daughter Edie.

I hate that name. Y'all just call me Little Ed.

This is fantastic.

My car broke down. I hope you don't mind I had her pick me up here.

I put in a new clutch, but your throwout bearing's fine.

I need to pick up a new pressure plate,

but Jenny's at the gyno and won't be opening up the shop till four.

Who else feels like they just learned a lot?

About cars? We all did.

Like I said, I'll see ya Monday.

Great meeting, y'all.

- You mind if I grab a muffin? - Of course not.

- There's also Danish. - Nah.

I just got a thing about muffins.

So, Ed, your daughter knows a lot about cars.

Did she learn that from her... boyfriend?

Nah, she's just a natural with machines.

You know, I can't remember a time

when she didn't have a hammer or a drill

or something strapped on her.

All right, I am bleeding from biting my lip.

This is huge.

Can't we just get Ed back in here and tell him that his daughter is gay?

I don't think he knows and I am willing to pay

for the extra half hour to tell him right now.

Patrick, that is not how group works.

Even if she is gay, no one here can force the issue.

Yeah, or Ed's daughter will kick your ass.

- Hey, got a minute? - Sure, what's up?

This came for you.

Sam, don't you have some homework to do?

Not when I know you're trying to get me out of the room, I don't.

We don't hide things from our daughter, Jen.

Aw, crap. It's from Meredith. Sam, get out. It's a secret.

Who's Meredith?

I think you're old enough now.

My sister. Your Aunt Meredith.

I have an aunt that I don't even know about?

How about being grateful for all the relatives we did tell you about?

You should be ashamed of yourself. Now go to your room right now.

I can't believe this.

Do I have a brother that I don't know about, too?

I hope not.

How many times do I have to move to get away from this screaming harpy?

Well, just give the harpy your new address.

I don't want any more letters from the underworld.

Oh, my God. She's having a baby shower.

The evil one is about to spawn.

Well, she deserves every stretch mark she gets.

She's an awful person, Charlie. I do not like her.

I still get pissed when I think about what she said to you at our baby shower.

"Are you sure you're emotionally stable enough to be a mom?"

"You could still put the option in adoption."

Stupid bitch.

I know.

Like we weren't ready to have a baby.

We planned that baby, right?

Yeah, we planned it.

I don't talk to my sister for 10 years.

I get one letter from her, it torpedoes my entire week.

Have you ever opened up a dialogue with Meredith about this?

Depends. Is "Screw you" "No, screw you" a dialogue?

It doesn't sound like you've had any real communication.

I've tried. 10 years ago...

the last time we talked...

she brought up the babysitting money she claims I stole from her.

I brought up Christmas where she showed up high.

She brought up Easter where I showed up high.

How'd it end?

That's how "Screw you" "No, screw you" got started.

So you've just written this person out of your life?

There's no coming back? There's no second chances?

That's how the Goodsons work. Eliminate the problem.

Make 'em disappear.

Dog chews the remote control, next day, dog's gone.

She calls your wife a moron, sister's gone.

Charlie, at some point in your life,

she'll be one of the last people who remembers your childhood.

She'll be the only one to share these memories with.

So I guess you think I should go to the baby shower

and try to patch things up.

It's up to you, but the next chance you get

will be at one of your parents' funerals.

You're right.

I'll be too sad at my mom's, and at my dad's,

I'll be too busy playing Dance Dance Revolution on his grave.

Charlie, I'm really proud of you.

I'm proud of you, too.

- For what? - Going with me.

Oh, no.

Hey, I'm taking a trip to Anger Trigger City.

- I'm gonna need backup. - I hate baby showers.

I hate babies.

They have no concept of my importance.

Well, maybe this will be an enlightening experience for you, too.

Besides, the baby's still inside my sister.

Oh, God.

Just the thought of a human being walking around

with a giant parasite inside them, it gives me the creeps.

Oh, yeah? Wait till you hear where it comes out.

So far, so good.

A little bit of anxiety on the way to the baby shower,

- but nothing worth mentioning. - Charlie, what are you doing?

Giving you a status report.

You know, passing time.

We're going to be in this car six hours.

I don't need emotional traffic updates on the 10s.

This just in...

a little bit of annoyance in the driver's seat.

You know what annoys me most?

Everyone at the baby shower's gonna treat us like we're a couple.

What's wrong with that?

I mean, even though we're not a couple,

who says we can't do stuff together and have fun?

Couples don't have fun.

They sit in a car and make idle chitchat and pass the time.

And then they die.

Oh, come on. There's no reason this can't be a good time.

We're gonna have our meals together, I got us a room.

Room? We're sleeping together?

Do you want this to get weird?

How can sleeping in a bed be weirder than what we usually do in a bed?

What we do is sex. That's not weird.

People do things in their sleep.

I remember my mom telling me

how my dad used to fart and cry in his sleep.

Well, I promise not to cry.

See, we're already starting down that bad road toward being a couple.

We're talking about farting.

You know, as the farting increases,

the sex decreases.

Till you're just two lonely people

lying at opposite ends of the bed

farting at each other.

Now I know why he was crying.

I'm just... I'm really glad you showed up.

Well, whatever the problem is,

I don't want to hear any gay details.

No hand-holding, no boy kissing,

"Why won't the government let me get married?"

I'll tell you why, because they don't want

you to have the tax deduction.

You people are industrious. You're worth more to us single.

Thanks, I guess.

Okay, this... all right, this is a tricky conversation.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

Don't tiptoe or sashay or prance

or whatever you people do around the subject.

Just rip the Band-Aid off and get right to it.

- Your daughter's gay. - (Laughs)

Oh, my God. You knew?

Son, she's not gay.

I'm laughing because

I wish I had a nickel for all the people

who came up to me and told me that.

Her kindergarten teacher,

her golf instructor, the Navy recruiter.

Just because a girl's a little different

and not some frail little thing

and she's got her own ideas about how to dress,

people automatically assume

that she plays for the other team.

Ed, she's the coach of the other team.

Hi, guys. Need anything?

I'll have a Miller on tap

and Oprah over here will have a,

what, a Diet Coke?

I will have a Miller, too.

- Lite, please. - Okay.

I bet people have told you you're a lesbian.

Maybe when I was back in college,

and they'd be right, but not recently, no.

Unless this is some kind of bass-ackwards way to see

if I'm into crazy older dudes, and I'm not there yet.

I'm just making a point here

that people naturally assume

that if a woman's strong and independent, she's gay.

Wow. I didn't see that coming.

Okay, I'll bang you.

Well, she's got a nice swing on her back porch. Whoo.

Your daughter would say that, too.