Family Guy

Look at this, Brian. Genderless baby announcement.

"It's a they."

Good for they.

I'm getting my friend a birthday card in Spanish.

But he doesn't speak Spanish.

Oh-ho-ho-ho, he's not gonna know what it says.

- Oh, you're bad. - I know.

I think I've earned whatever misshapen Reese's product

is by the cashier.

Oh, my God, Brian, look... a Fairuza Balk movie.

- Huh, no way. - Remember last week when I said,

"I wonder whatever happened to Fairuza Balk"?

- I do. - And now this.

The world's crazy.

This looks terrible.

You need to get out of here, Brian.

The urine-soaked hairs on the end of your penis

are very off-putting to the other customers.

That's not urine, that's saliva.

Go on, scoot, get out of here!

Or I'll do the clichéd pharmacy price check jokes.

You wouldn't dare.

Yes, I need a price check on extra-small condoms.

That's the last thing he'd want announced.

Oh, my...

Can you believe he threw us out? That's discrimination.

It's just like what happened to those blacks at that Starbucks.

"Those blacks"?

Discrimination is a scourge, Stewie.

It just makes me so angry.

Well, then do something about it.

You know what?

I will.

I'm gonna throw a rock at his window.

Oh, hey, Karmann Ghia. I like those.

All right, here we go.

Thank you, Brian. That was the last Munich gunman.

You're a hero.

A hero?

I-I guess I am a hero.

- Oh, nice! Wonderful! - Great!

- Way to go. - Way to go, doggy!

We are gonna throw you the craziest party.

Do we have a hot two-liter of closet Pepsi?

We do, and I can bring Planters peanuts

that were opened a dozen years ago.

Perfect. And I have half a graduation cake

we just have to let thaw.

Oh, my God, Peter, look at this.

She actually wore this to an awards ceremony.

Huh? Oh, yeah, crazy.

Unreal. Peter, look, look.

Peter, look, Peter.

Flats.

- Hmm? - Flats!

Mm.

Look at this picture of Shailene Woodley.

She's so talented and overrated and weird.

I love her. Isn't her haircut cute?

Maybe I'll get my hair cut short, too.

Wha... N-No. No way.

- I forbid it. - What?

- You can't forbid that. - Yes, I can.

That's the one thing men are allowed to control about women.

That and your uterus and how much money you make

and also everything else.

- Peter, that's stupid. - It's a fact, Lois.

The only woman that's ever looked good

with short hair is Halle Berry's boobs.

Establishing shot.

- Peter, you can't... - Establishing shot!

We're here with local hero Brian Griffin,

who recently foiled a robbery at Goldman's Pharmacy,

which by the way, is getting its ass kicked

by the CVS across the street.

Welcome, Brian.

So, what does it feel like to be a hero?

Well, let me say that even though I am a hero,

you don't have to call me one.

I'm very comfortable with "first responder"

or, if you like, "veteran."

So brave.

How has this incident changed your life?

It hasn't. I'm still the same

humble public servant I've always been.

But there are perks.

This morning, I was honored by a local business.

Thank you, Brian.

And to show our appreciation,

you get the first meal at Quahog's

newest Sizzler location!

Oh. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

- No. - That's fair.

- Can you at least read what's on this card? - Sure.

"Sizzler: the worst version of your favorite meal."

So, what's next for you, Brian?

Well, I'll be at Barnes & Noble this afternoon

signing copies of Deepak Chopra's

Seven Spiritual Laws of Success.

Well, congratulations, Brian, and thank you for your service.

Coming up, I get all anxious and weird

when the new good-looking intern brings me my coffee.

And here's Jeremy with my go-go juice.

Ha-ha.

Man, my phone's been

blowing up since that interview.

You should hear some of my voice mails.

Hello, Brian.

This is Barack Obama,

not the hobo who lives at the wharf.

Um, you did a good job and...

I-I can't read that.

"I'm proud of you."

I'm proud of you.

Thanks for the two dollars.

No way!

Let's hear the next message.

Hey, Brian, it's, uh...

well, it's Shredder.

Remember me?

I know it's been a while, but I saw you on TV

and I'm just hoping we could get together.

I'd love to catch up.

So, uh, uh, call me back.

- Oh, my God! - "Shredder"?

He sounds like a ski instructor with a full beard

who plays average guitar and never texts me back.

He's a dog I used to run with

back when I was living on the street.

Haven't heard from him in years.

I'm actually surprised he's still alive.

He just drank all the time and tried to get laid.

Hard to be friends with someone like that.

Yes, it is.

You gonna see him?

If I have time.

Wow, The Rock!

Boy, they're coming out of the woodwork today.

You're angling your phone so I can't see it.

"Dwayne Johnson."

Only his friends know that's his real name.

- Still can't see it. - I'll call him back later.

Ow!

Excuse me, sir, but this is a private residence.

Peter, it's me.

I got my hair cut. Isn't it fun?

What?

No, Lois, it's not fun.

You look like Anne Hathaway in Les Misera...

Don't you ever compare me to Anne Hathaway.

- Ever! - You're right, you're right.

I'm-I'm sorry.

With my boobs and your hair,

everybody's gonna think we're a lesbian couple.

Why'd he want to meet in the park?

We used to live here. I'm assuming he still does.

Brian, ha!

So good to see you.

Wha... Shredder?

Is it really you?

It's really me.

I-I don't... What is all this?

Yeah, sorry about meeting in the park.

It's the only place I can land this thing.

Uh, Shredder, I think you pinned

Tom Cruise under your helicopter.

I was hanging on. I do all my own stunts.

I can't stop doing stunts.

My whole life is a stunt.

Yeah, yeah, we know.

Hey, you want to take a personality test?

Same answer as always: no, thank you.

I'm not gonna stop asking.

- I know. - Good to see you, Stewie.

Good to see you, Tiny Tom Cruise.

- Thank you. - He likes to have the last word.

Be well!

- See? - Bye!

Shredder, I-I can't get my head around all this.

Eh, it took me a while, too, believe me.

And I go by George Townshend now.

Oh, okay, George.

George Townshend.

- You-you want me to say both? - I do.

You know how Beyoncé does the one-name thing?

I do a two-name thing. It's one more than Beyoncé.

Why don't you take her name out of your filthy whore mouth.

Wow! How'd you get all this?

I worked my ass off.

I'm a tech entrepreneur, I've written 11 best-selling books,

and I was the NBC executive who suggested

we assault the nation with Chicago-themed programming.

I hear they're working on Chicago Seinfeld.

What's the deal with the South Side of this town?

Don't say it, Kramer.

So, Brian, do you want to know how I did all this?

I really do.

I got neutered.

But why?