King of the Hill

Ripped By mstoll

Ho, boy, another day

of triple digit temperatures.

Now it's official,

this heat wave has lasted longer than my second marriage.

So wherever you are, Rhonda, this song goes out to you.

Oh, too hot.

Can't make it to my house.

Mm-hmm. Dang.

Well, I'll be.

I guess that makes it official.

It's summer, all right.

Is it me or did it just get a few degrees cooler

since Boomhauer walked out.

Aw, man, dang ol' breezy, man.

Man, that's a straight cut.

Will you do me a half shirt?

Nice daisy dukes.

Bobby, have you seen my...

Joseph, isn't it time you think about, uh, heading home?

I can't take it at my house.

My dad has the heat cranked all the way up.

He said something about fighting fire with fire,

but it wasn't working for me. Quiet!

Look.

Now featuring, the Big Ka-tube-ah.

The hottest, coolest wave in Texas!

We have to go!

Dad, will you take us?

Please?

Yeah, you gotta take us, dude.

I'm starting to leave a butt-puddle.

Fine. Just put on your pants.

Oh, that's not good at all.

HANK(on phone): Hank Hill here.

Hank, it's Bill.

I got a flat on the bypass.

It's hot, it's hot!

It's so hot!

You gotta come get me.

: Fine.

Dangit, now I gotta go pick up Mr. Dauterive.

You kids remember the exit to the water park?

No, dude, it's...

No, it's...

It's right there.

: Thank God.

Where's Hank?

I, I can't take it!

Help! I need help!

They're waving at me.

They're really waving at me.

I'm waving at you!

And you and you!

Hello!

Do you guys hear that?

That's water!

Look how high that slide goes.

That's "The Avalanche,"

and it's horrifying.

Some kid went on it,

and all that came out the bottom was a bathing suit.

They never found him.

I heard in the middle of the slide,

there's a moment where you're traveling so fast,

you actually become water.

Three tickets, please.

Would you like to get summer passes?

No. Please, Dad.

If you won't do it for me, do it for your lawn.

A slip and slide can be very destructive.

Okay, but this is your entire summer entertainment budget.

Don't come to me in a couple of days

and say you're bored of the water park

like you did with the French horn lessons,

the karate lessons,

and spy camp. I won't.

I'll be too refreshed to bother you.

Hey, man, dang ol' air hockey, man?

Who wants to dang ol' take on the champ, man?

Let me see what you got.

Hi there!

Have a nice day!

Well, your tire's fixed.

You can get out of here now.

In a minute. Ooh!

I got a school bus coming.

Hey there, children!

Uh, Bill, it's over a hundred degrees out,

and you don't have... uh, how do I say this?

You don't have many... health assets.

You should get inside.

It is a hot one today, I'll tell you.

Too hot for pants.

Yikes, I gotta work with this guy, people,

and he's serious about taking off his pants.

I am, but I'll tell you, one resident of Arlen

is offering this community a little relief from the heat

in the form of a kind, cool wave from the side of the highway.

People toss around the word "hero,"

but this guy's a real hero.

I don't know his name, so I guess

we can only call him the Heat-Waver.

Thank you, Heat-Waver.

They talked about me on the radio!

I matter!

Take that, Dad!

: That's the kid from the commercial.

And he's going bananas!

Visor dude, you're in.

Hot girl, you're definitely in.

What about us?

Why don't you kiddies hit up the tad pool?

Get out of here.

Locals only, mothers!

Get off our wave!

Maybe we should go.

No way.

I didn't spend my entire summer budget

to slide down a little frog tongue.

Can I help you?

Oh, thank goodness, an adult.

We want to ride, but they won't let us.

I see.

Then I guess it sucks to be you.

What?

I have a summer pass

and I demand to cool down and get wet!

Hey, Harkey.

These kids want to get wet.

You know what that means.

Yeah, full on, Bodie.

Welcome to The Avalanche.

You must ride feet first

with your arms crossed over your chest.

Don't do this!

Ride this wave, Grommet.

I think he just turned into water.

They wouldn't let us ride because we weren't "locals."

Locals only?

That's the most insane thing I've ever heard of.

Nobody lives in an amusement park.

That is so weird because I always

have really good experiences with surfers.

Didn't they help put your sunscreen on, Bobby?

No.

I got it.

I have found that bullies

are actually very insecure.

Tomorrow, tell him he has a nice smile,

and he will become your best friend.

I'm not going back.

They specifically told me not to.

By the way, I'm gonna need some money for the mall.

No, you don't.

We're going back to that water park

and I'll deal with those locals.

Not all surfers are bad, Bobby.

I read in a magazine about a girl surfer

who was attacked by a shark, and against all odds,

she still managed to be pretty.

Happy Hump Day!

Hang in there, it's almost Friday!

Buckle up now!

Stay cool, Arlen!

Welcome to Big Water!

Can I point you to the gift shop?

No. My son wants to ride on your endless wave,

but some giblet heads won't let him.

They're giblet heads!

And the last time I checked, this was America.

U.S. A!

That is terrible.

I will take care of this immediately.

Big Water may be owned by Germans,

but we have very American policies

when it comes to customer service.

Well, all right.

Excuse me, Bodie.

Can I speak to you for a second?

Of course, Tim. What's up?

Tell him what's up, Tim.

This kid's daddy just came and talked to me about you guys.

I just call him "Dad."

Dangit, Bodie, I don't ask any questions

about what goes on on Coconut Island.

Now, I'm leaving this boy in your hands,

and I don't want to have to come back here.

In fact, I'm not coming back because I trust

that you'll take care of this situation.

Yes, sir, Tim.

No, no, no, wait!