King of the Hill

Oh, shoot.

Okay, no problem.

The exclamation point is a crutch anyway.

Maybe that's a clever musing.

Mom, I'm home from school.

I think I'm going to soak my feet.

Tough day, Bobby?

Eh. We got this new sub who...

- What's her name? - Mrs. Donovan.

Donovan?

She has been out of the game for three years

getting her master's degree or something.

Why would they pick her instead of me?

Maybe it's alphabetical.

No. That was struck down in Zagarello versus State of Texas.

Oh, just like Donovan to swipe my gig.

Meantime, I am stuck here all day

grunting out musings for ten cents a word.

Plenty of room in the soak bucket.

Hey.

That flag's getting awfully close to that fire

for my comfort.

And, uh, for the flag's.

Pursuant to United States code Title 36, section 176 K,

when a flag becomes faded and worn, it is burned with honor.

Yeah, but that's the flag I saluted for the last 20 years.

I was hazed under that flag. I was married under that flag.

-(dramatic music) -(fire crackling)

Permission to give this flag a loving home, sir?

I will raise her every morning at dawn.

I will lower her every night before dusk. I will store her...

Do you have a 90-foot pole?

I've got a 40-foot pole, sir.

I'll go to Home Depot, sir.

I have your essays.

Normally, I try not to give too many As,

but this time, it didn't really come up.

Oh, God.

You wanted to see me, Mrs. Donovan?

No. I just wanted to confirm that you can read.

Oh.

An "F" in English?

Bobby, you speak English.

Hank, it is not entirely Bobby's fault.

That Donovan has had it in for me

ever since I was assigned the parking space under the tree.

She hates me and is just taking it out on you.

No. Thi... This is not an "F" paper.

It is a solid "D."

What does it matter?

Mrs. Donovan's making me come up with a new topic,

and she'll probably give me another "F,"

thanks to you, Mom.

It's magnificent.

Hmm... Mm-mm-mm.

Hmm? Oh.

Wind.

No. Flag.

Mom, Dad, I finally picked my essay topic.

"Why Bobby Hill loves America."

I'd like to see your teacher give an "F" to the US of A.

Hank, that woman could fail ice cubes to the Eskimos.

How's it going, honey?

Not so good.

Mom, do you have trouble getting started when you write your musings?

No. No, not at all.

I just sit down and I write what I feel.

I "Peggy Hill" the heck out of it.

Okay, we're going to need an opening line.

One that's going to grab people's attention.

Um...

- Anything. - Um...

Ooh! How about, um...

"USA stands for United States of America."

Oh, that's crappy!

I'm going to get another "F."

Well, with that attitude and a poorly written essay, yes.

You have got a great attitude, Mom.

You could probably write a great essay.

Only because I am a professional writer.

Now, let's see.

How about something like...

If you take the "U" out of "USA,"

what do you get?

"SA."

An essay that will explain to "U"

why Bobby Hill loves America.

Mom, you are on a roll!

Oh, well...

Bobby, get me a soda.

-(device warbling) -(groans)

Oh, Peggy.

What are you doing here?

You're not teaching today.

No, I was not asked to.

I just thought I would stop by and see if Mrs. Donovan

got a chance to grade your essay.

Did she?

Hello, Peggy.

Peggy.

Listen, uh, my son wanted me to ask you

if you got a chance to grade his essay.

Hmm? Oh. No, I haven't had a chance yet.

You know, a quick turnaround when marking a student's paper

is the most important rule of teaching.

Yes. Well, I wish I could stay and chat,

but I've got to teach a class.

And you?

I could stay and chat.

Oh!

Bobby, uh, may I have a word with you?

Honey, Bobby.

You forgot your pencil this morning.

Oh. As did I.

Oh, I'm glad you're here.

I was just about to return your son's essay.

Wow! An "A."

Oh, yeah!

So, just an "A"? Not an A-plus?

You have to tell me how you came up with that opening line.

- Well, when I... - Well, I'm going to be honest

with you, Mrs. Donovan.

I was stuck, so I went to my, uh...

Well, huh, all I did was...

That came to me while I was taking a bath.

I find my best ideas come to me

while I am soaking in the tub,

sipping on a cup of cocoa.

Well, that's very interesting

because when I am stuck on a musing column,

what I like to do is find someone helpful

to bounce ideas off of.

Eh, that's not really my style.

What works for me, see, is the cocoa.

That's because you're a writer, Bobby.

Your mother's... just a muser.

It looks like the torch has been passed,

and it has finally been lit.

-(school bell rings) -(quirky music sting)

"Credit where credit is due"

is not just a phrase for bankers and lawyers.

Good, but not great.

Why don't you just get Bobby to help you?

He got an "A," Aunt Peggy.

Let's be honest,

when was the last time me or you got an "A"?

May 24, 1974.

I find that adverbs are overrated

and that your adjectives are your go-to guys.

Hey, there's my little Shakespeare.

We've got a pep rally coming up,

and I want you to read that essay of yours to the children.

All right, I'll do it.

For the children.

Hank, take a look at these

and tell me I'm not crazy.

"My husband's love affair with beer

and why I'm not jealous."

Hmm. Well, I do like beer.

Mm-hm. I thought it was great, too.

But apparently, the arts editor of the Arlen Bystander

thinks people are much more interested

in celebrity birthdays than in reading my musings.

They stopped running your musings?

Oh, Hank, they think the public doesn't care what is on my mind.

Don't give up, Peggy.

Hey, look at Bobby.

He got an "F" and bounced right back.

This is like an "F" for you.

All you need to do is find a good topic like Bobby did.

Though I wouldn't go near the flag.

Bobby's pretty much written the final word on that.

I wrote Bobby's essay.

What? No, no.

That flag inspired Bobby to greater heights.

It was all me.

You wrote the whole thing?

You know, he has never even thanked me.

Not once.

And would it kill him to say to people "My mom helped me with that line,"

or "My mom wrote that essay, I had nothing to do with it"?

Well, I agree he shouldn't take credit,

but you shouldn't have written it for him in the first place.

From where I'm sitting, you both screwed up.

Now, what are you going to do about it?

Well, I cannot speak for Bobby...

Well, you have no problem writing for him.

Damn straight. I got an "A."

Gwyneth Souphanousinphone...

Where's my lunch?

Kahn, wake up. It's 10:30!

You're late for work!