Everybody Still Hates Chris

- Every year when the temperature dropped,

people also dropped their standards

and hooked up with anybody.

Heat was expensive, but sweaty bodies were cheap.

Nowadays, people call it "cuffing season,"

but back then, we just called it "fall."

I love the smell of desperation in the fall.

All right.

This is the only time of year we

have a shot at getting girls.

Ooh, a single, cold female.

Time to go to work.

Hey, baby.

Need some body heat?

No, thank you.

Now, that was cold!

I was so desperate to cuff up that I was going

to be the first big brother to ask his little brother

for girl help.

Didn't happen again till the Wahlbergs.

Whoa.

How do you think someone took this of me?

- Drew, I need your help with girls.

Yes.

I've been preparing for this day for 15 years.

But you're 15.

I've got a plan.

Come on.

You and I are sneaking out.

Oh, hey, Maria.

Wonder what she's doing here.

All right. I'd date Taimak.

I'd marry El DeBarge.

And, hmm, I'd dump Bobby Brown.

She's smarter than Whitney.

They're OK, if you like boys.

But I like men.

So I'd dump Ossie Davis, date Ray Charles,

and marry your dad.

- What?

My dad?

Dang, it's too warm in here.

56 degrees.

That's $0.15 worth of heat, and you all got coats.

- We brought you girls a little snack.

Hi, Mr. Tonya's Dad.

Ooh, I like your uniform, Mr. Tonya's Dad.

Gross.

This is why LaDonna banned you from sleepovers at her house.

- Shouldn't you two be in bed already?

You're so funny, Mr. Tonya's Dad.

You need a cold shower.

Bye.

- Oh, we don't waste cocoa around here.

We ain't the Jeffersons.

The only moving on up we ever going to do is to heaven.

- Why are you in such a bad mood?

- I'm fine. -

I smell a fib.

And stray hairs.

And Barbasol.

Oh.

What do you mean, oh?

- In the '80s, everyone wasn't in therapy like today.

So Black men only had one place

to deal with their thoughts

and feelings, the barbershop.

- So you'll never guess what happened at work.

Romeo-- - And done.

Next.

- So I took your advice, and I decided

to finish my circumcision.

Your haircuts are so fast.

I mean, you never get to talk your problems out.

This is why bald men die first.

No, we don't.

Do we?

It's OK, baby.

I'm here.

You can talk to me about anything.

OK.

Well, see, today at work--

- Rochelle. - No.

Uh-uh.

You know I can't listen to work problems

without falling asleep.

I got worko-lepsy.

- That ain't real. You made it up.

OK, I'll try again.

Thank you.

So today, Romeo's truck was behind mine

while I was backing up.

And--

Never mind.

I don't know about this.

Why would girls who like slam poetry be into dating me?

- When girls start smoking clove cigarettes,

they lower their standards.

And that's your demo.

Thanks.

- Oh, you don't have to thank me.

We're family.

OK, I'm going to teach you a foolproof system

to meet girls from the Messiah of Game himself, LL Cool J.

OK, now watch this.

- That's your fool-proof system?

You just lick your lips for no reason?

It works for LL.

You'll see.

Hey, I'm Sandy.

Mm.

See?

Fine.

Like this?

Stop doing that.

I'm going home.

Ah!

Wha!

This is so not irie.

Oh, my bad.

That was my purse you slipped on.

Oh, let me help.

Ah!

Sorry.

I'm all forehead.

Hey, All Forehead.

I'm All Nikki!

Oh, Nikki, that was not funny.

I'm Chris.

Hey, I'm Nikki.

I already said that.

This is going great.

- Hair growth pills for stubborn, cheap men.

Possible side effects, nausea, drowsiness,

excessive skin growth.

Yeah, he doesn't need to see all this.

So what are those?

- Well, Nessa called, and she told me

about a doctor friend who's doing

a new clinical trial for gout.

So I ran--

- Rochelle, clinical trials could have bad side effects,

especially the ones they do on Black folk.

Doc did one for high blood pressure medicine,

and now he sneezes with his eyes wide open.

Here's ya--

It's haunting.

But this one's different.

There are no side effects.

- Hmm. - The trial pays $10 a bottle.

- I'm in. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Rochelle, wake up.

I have something important to tell you.

She white?

She better not be white.

What?

No.

- Look at those baby hairs.

I know.

I'm just like Shaft in Shaft.

- Well, now you can tell your boring work stories

to the guys at the barbershop.

Yeah, that's good.

Because so much has been going down at the depot.

- So what's wrong with your shoulder?

- It hurts from holding these purses.

They're my sisters'.

I watch them while they flirt with boys.

They call me the Bag Hag.

Damn it, Nikki, if you shut up, people won't hear you.

- Whew. My siblings drive me crazy too.

I just want to scream, "Why didn't my parents

stop with me?"

Yeah, same.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the third parent in my household.

Exactly.

Like, I didn't decide to raise these kids.

- Hey, so assuming we both heal up all right,

would you maybe want to go out with me?

Ooh, well, why don't you--