The Neighborhood

Hey, Calvin.

What are you looking for?

The newspaper.

That new paperboy hasn't hit my porch once

since he started.

The closest he got was my truck.

And I was driving down the street at the time.

That's funny.

I found one right on my doorstep this morning,

and I don't even get the paper.

Give me a dollar or give me my paper, Dave.

Okay, but spoiler alert:

I read your horoscope, and today's gonna be

a good day for romance.

It already was.

Tina woke me up early this morning.

Hey, Calvin.

Hey, Gemma, what are you doing home?

I had to come back to change.

My PE teacher didn't show up again,

so I had to cover dodgeball for him.

Oh, that's a relief.

I thought you had got jumped into a gang.

I don't know what I've got to do

to get through to Coach McCluskey.

I keep warning him,

but he's always got some excuse.

His mother died twice, and then she was in a coma.

You know, if it were me, I would just sit him down,

I would put my hand on his shoulder,

and I would gently say...

"Your ass if fired."

But that's so extreme.

I just keep hoping I can figure out a way

to get him to shape up.

Yeah. I keep hoping N.W.A will get back together,

but Dr. Dre just keeps selling headphones.

Calvin, found your paper.

You didn't read it in the bathroom, did you?

I'm gonna go get you a dollar.

Do you think Calvin's right?

Should I fire Coach McCluskey?

Ooh, hold on. Uh, is this one of those situations

where you really want to hear what I think,

or you just want me to support you?

I absolutely want to hear what you think.

Okay, well, then...

I definitely think you should fire him.

But he's been there for years!

But not before you give him at least one more chance.

- And make me look like a weak leader? - No.

I mean, yes. I mean...

I mean, your hair looks great.

Dave, I'm serious.

This has been weighing on me all day.

All right, look, I wish that I could help you,

but this is a decision that only you can make.

And whatever it is, I know it's gonna

be the right one.

You're right.

I'm the boss. It's my decision.

McCluskey has to go.

There. I feel better already.

Are you talking about Coach McCluskey?

He's the best.

Really? You think so?

Yeah. He takes naps and lets us watch movies.

One of them even showed a butt.

On the other hand, this guy sounds pretty cool.

Pop, are you gonna stand there all day

waiting on the paperboy?

If that's what it takes.

I'm not moving a damn inch till I give this kid

a piece of my mind.

Who wants pancakes?

Oh, I could eat.

Well, I'll take some pancakes, too.

Oh, and I'll take two years of back rent.

I'm... You're on lookout duty.

Yeah.

- Oh, hey, Gemma. - Hey.

Oh, hey. It's 7:30 in the morning.

Is everything okay?

Everything's fine.

I just decided Calvin was right.

I'm gonna fire McCluskey today.

Ah, good for you.

You should've fired that fool the second time his mother died.

Right, Calvin?

I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything

after "Calvin was right."

It's just, I've never fired anyone before, and I was hoping

maybe you could give me some advice.

Oh, you came to the right place.

Calvin loves firing people.

Yep, it's true. Pops once fired a dude

on the guy's wedding day.

And I was his best man.

So what's the best way to do it?

What you got to do is stay calm,

confident and professional.

The last thing you want to do is go personal.

Wrong.

Look, this dude has been messing with your life, right?

Making you look bad.

You want to rip his throat out.

And you want to do it in front of people.

For example,

his wedding party.

- Calvin! - What?

Look, it sends a message.

And if it goes sideways,

knock the cake over for a diversion.

Gemma, things are not gonna go sideways.

Oh, it went sideways back in the day,

when you got fired from Pizza Hut.

That was different.

If Todd didn't want his finger broken,

he shouldn't have been pointing it in my face!

You getting all this great advice, Gemma?

I think so.

Rip his throat out, knock over a cake,

and don't point my finger in his face.

Sounds like you're good to go.

Hey, morning, Dad.

What are you doing here, Marty?

Do I need a reason?

Okay, can't a son just stop by

and show some love to the two people

that gave him life?

Your mama made your lunch again.

It's turkey melt Tuesday.

I came out second, but I'm first in her heart.

Oh, here he comes, right here.

Uh, here who comes?

That sorry-ass paperboy.

I'm about to make him cry harder than you did

when Malcolm told you you were adopted.

That wasn't Malcolm, Dad. That was you.

That does sound like me, doesn't it?

Hold... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.

Hey, turn that bike around and get back here.

I need to talk to you right now.

Marty, I want you to film this for YouTube.

I want to show the world it's still okay to yell at kids.

All right, take that helmet off, young man,

while I talk to you.

See, that's the problem... Y'all have no re...

spect.

Sorry, sir. What were you saying?

Oh!

I... I was saying... I was saying...

I was... I was saying...

I was saying you are doing a great job.

Yes, you are.

Hey, so, keep up the good work.

Thanks, mister. Got to go finish my route.

Okay, you do that.

All right, and put your helmet on.

All right, remember, safety first.

And got it.

Erase that right now, boy. Erase that, now.

Hey, man. I don't have to listen to you.

You're not my father.

You wanted to see me, Johnson?

Yes, Coach McCluskey. Please have a seat.

Mmm. You get at some of this banana bread

from the teachers' lounge?

- Uh, no, I didn't. - Oh, here.

Finish mine. It's my third piece anyway.

That's very thoughtful of you.

Is there anything else?

Uh, yeah. A lot else.

I've asked you to come in

because we've talked about you being late,

and I've given you several warnings.

And I've heard each and every one of them,

which is why I made sure to get back

on the right track. And field.

But have you?

I mean, weren't you late on Friday?

My alarm clock broke.

And then again yesterday?

Dog stuff.

This meeting?

I was getting you the banana bread.

Look, I've given you more than enough chances.

I'm sorry, but... I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let you go.

What? You're firing me? Why?

Literally everything I just said.

Does the board of trustees know about this?

Because I play golf with half of them,

and I always let them win.

Doesn't matter.

This is my decision to make, and it's final.

Okay. Fine.

But can I say something before I leave?

Go ahead.

You're a terrible principal.

Excuse me?