Melissa & Joey

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Ryder, Lennox, poker night!

Let's go, get down here. It's family togetherness time

where I take all your money.

Wish we could,

but Zander is taking me to an art show.

It's photos of people taking photos of people.

It's very meta.

Whatever happened to just parking behind the supermarket

and making out?

- What the--? - I didn't mean that.

Do the meta thing.

I like this new artist boyfriend.

He seems pretty harmless.

There's no such thing as a harmless 17-year-old boy, Mel.

Unless he's neutered.

Do you remember when Lennox broke up with Haskell

right before she met Zander?

Those were the happiest nine minutes of my life.

- Hey, there he is. - What's up?

You ready to bleed some money?

Can't tonight, Joe. School camping trip's tomorrow,

and a bunch of us are going over to mark's house to hang out.

Oh, and that's more fun than hanging out with us?

Well, it's cheaper.

All right, see you guys.

See you.

Okay, well...

Guess it's just

the two of us, then.

Yeah, it's gonna happen a lot now.

You know, us. Alone in an...

Empty house.

I'm sure we can figure out something fun to do with each other.

Like what?

Is that coming from your pants?

Yep.

That would be my phone.

Oh look, it's Tatiana.

Mm, what did she do to merit such a classy ringtone?

Don't ask questions you don't want answered, Mel.

Hey there.

We've noticed it too.

One A-list celebrity after another

hooking up with the nanny.

Now you know who I'm talking about, right, Kev?

Listen, Jude Law,

Ethan Hawke,

Robin Williams.

Something must happen in the house

that people just can't fight.

Oh, they can fight it, because it's just gross.

Hey.

All right, do did you think of something that we could do with each other?

Not gonna happen.

- Need some help with that? - Thanks, Joe,

but I think I've developed the skill set necessary

to stuff sweatpants into a duffel bag.

Okay. Your fly's down.

So, three days out in the wilderness, huh?

You know, there's no video games out there,

no texting.

Oh, and the only angry birds are...

Angry birds.

I think I'll survive.

I'm sure you will.

Where's your other shoe?

Oh, man, I don't know.

Ryder, your size 48 shoe was in the shower.

See? Solved it.

Look at you all grown up with your two shoes.

Wow, you are looking awfully Armani this morning.

Oh, you know nothing. I'm actually very Hugo Boss.

- Because? - Because I have a job interview.

A very big job interview, actually.

And I would appreciate it if you wouldn't tell your Aunt Mel because--

- it's best not to tell her stuff. - That's how we live.

Thank you.

Wow, you look nice.

Were you indicted?

Actually, I'm on my way to a funeral.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Anyone we know?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

It's um...

The trash man.

Odd, I could have sworn I saw him this morning.

Yeah.

You know, in my grief, I misspoke.

I meant the mailman.

I would send a sympathy card,

but there's no one to deliver it.

You know, I sense you're covering something,

but in order to pursue it, I would have to care.

And I'm happy to say I don't.

All right, bye, guys.

See you in four days.

Oh that's right.

You're leaving today.

Oh, my little baby nephew.

Little? Burke, that kid's a giraffe.

If he grows any taller,

we're gonna have to start recutting the doors.

Fantastic committee hearing today.

I was electrifying.

The entire zoning commission was hanging on my every word.

Huh. Look what Zander drew for me.

And now I'm home and my power to captivate is gone.

No, look. Isn't it awesome?

Oh, so awesome.

I mean just as awesome as the other 30 drawings

he did that look exactly the same.

No, this is different.

See, this is me looking to the left.

Best ones are where I'm looking slightly up and to the right.

Does this kid draw anything else?

All right, what are you getting at?

Well, honey, he's obsessed with you.

Enjoy it. Doesn't last long.

Hey.

Oh my--

are you kidding me?

Doesn't this guy know how to draw anything else?

It's like you're dating a Xerox machine.

You two are dead inside,

like husks of corn left out in the sun.

Husks of corn who buy your clothes.

Wow, I thought you made up the whole funeral story.

I didn't know you were that close to the mailman.

Oh, the mailman's fine.

Only thing that got buried today was my career.

Isn't that old news?

I mean, aww.

You know Zev Buchwald from down the street,

the sporting goods guy? He's expanding citywide,

and he comes up to me the other day and he says,

"hey, Joe, we could really use somebody like you."

- Well, that sounds positive. - Yeah, his massive expansion

means he needs help around the house working as the nanny.

You know, pushing the strollers, wiping the butts.

Well, yeah, look on the bright side--

the mailman's not dead.

Here's the thing though-- the offer he gave me

was actually pretty good. And I think I may even get him to come up.

What? Whoa. Are you negotiating a salary?

No, are you kidding? If I take another job like this,

- then I really will be a nanny. - Well, aren't you one now?

I'm just asking.

No, I'm not. I only work as a nanny.

All right, what I am is an executive in transition

who took a temporary job to tide him over.

Yeah. Three years ago.

- I'm sorry, what was that? - Nothing.

You know, it's obvious why they want you--

Ryder and Lennox are good kids.

You're a big part of that.

I'm an even bigger part.

But you know, numbers aren't important. It's not a pie chart.

There's another thing you're great at-- pies.

I do make a damn good cherry pie.

We all need you around here, Joe.

No no, you don't. You don't.

Look, all Ryder's friends drive.

Lennox spends all her time with her boyfriend.

Seriously, Mel, I got nothing to do here all day but lift weights.

I mean, look at me, you know?

I've never been any hotter.

And yet I'm empty inside.

I'm like this insanely lean-cut

shell of a man.

I mean, give me one reason why you need me here...

- We-- - ...Besides pies,

or dinner,

or anything that you can digest.

Sure, there aren't that many

minute-to-minute things with the kids,

but I think of you like--

Like--

like this fire extinguisher over here.

Okay, you don't need it every day,

but when you do, it's right here waiting for you.

Hanging on the wall.

Yeah yeah.

I want you on that wall. I need you on that wall.

Ready to spray yourself all over any problem.

You know, maybe--

maybe you're right.

Maybe this is it for me, you know?

Maybe I'm gonna be doing this for the rest of my life.

Nanny Joe. Joe the nanny.

End of story.

- Where are you going? - I don't know, but when you say something that final,

you have to leave the room or else you end up looking stupid.

Joe, stay.

I'm not sure I can, Burke.

Joe is seriously considering the offer.

He might actually go work for those awful people across the street.

The buchwalds are very nice.

Whose side are you on?

Fine, I'll badmouth the neighbors.