Hung

Episode 1x03 - 'Strange Friends' or 'The Truth Is, You're Sexy'

Are you urinating in the lake?

Is there a problem?

It's illegal, Ray.

Think of the lakefront property owners or the children who swim in the lake.

Look, Koontz,

I've been living here since I was three.

I've been pissing in this lake

since before you even heard of Michigan.

I was freezing my nuts off.

I didn't feel like walking to the house.

What are you doing in the middle of the night watching me?

I am not watching you.

I get up early every morning to exercise on my treadmill, Ray.

I sincerely hope that you won't break the law again.

God!

She's 16.

We can't force them to do what they don't want to do.

- Christ, you remember when we were 16. - No, fine, I should just be happy

with one of my kids dating a guy named Hammer

and the other listening to death music.

If you ask me, you've got too much time on your hands.

They don't need you; they don't need me. They think we're a pain in their ass.

Stop acting like their buddy, be a parent.

This is the danger zone, Ray. Try to think of our kids.

All I do is think of our kids.

You have no idea what I do for those kids.

I'm late for my booster meeting. Fuck you.

If I had a dollar for every time I saw her walk away.

Don't be so pissy, Ray.

Fine. Just give me my wallet back.

Just be nice. Hi. Is Lenore in?

Lenore who?

Lenore.

Isn't this her house?

This is the Libinsky residence. I'm Dan Libinsky. Can I help you?

- She doesn't even live here. - I'm sorry. It's the wrong address.

Sorry.

- Oh my God. - Sorry.

Ray, just calm down.

There are 50 freakin' Bernards in here. No Lenore Bernard.

There's "L. Bernard," there's no name Bernard...

Would you like some valerian tea? Because it will calm you down.

She... she never said that it was her house, Ray.

We just assumed.

And we shouldn't have assumed.

You know what? I think that's her right now.

I had sex with her in that guy's living room.

- Hello? - Hello, Tanya?

It's Floyd Gerber from the Wealth Whiz.

- How are you this evening? - I'm good.

Tell her we could have been arrested for breaking and entering.

Shut...

- Tanya? - I'm good.

I was wondering if you'd like to go to dinner with me.

On Friday, Greek food.

Where's my wallet?

Consider it and get back to me.

What'd she say?

That wasn't her.

- I think I was just asked out. - Great.

I can see you're really focused on our problem here.

You're blowing this way out of proportion.

She was probably house-sitting or something.

Does Lenore seem like the house-sitting type to you?

Right, so it's a small mystery. It's a small mystery

and I will get to the bottom of it.

I will find Lenore. I'm on the case.

I will handle it.

And I will get your precious little wallet back.

And when I do,

I expect you to cheer the hell up.

Are you the property owner, sir?

We've had a public indecency complaint.

The caller said a gentleman

was urinating in the yard.

- It's against the law to urinate now? - No, sir.

But it is illegal to urinate in public.

Did this caller leave a name?

No, sir.

That's too bad.

If only this anonymous caller had a shred of proof,

you might have a case.

- It's too bad he's anonymous. - Are you living in the tent, sir?

I see you have a microwave oven hooked up out here.

This neighborhood isn't zoned for temporary structures.

It's a tent, guys.

I'm... I'm airing it out.

If it stays up longer than a week, it's a zoning violation

and you're gonna have to file notice with the city.

Good to know that, ma'am. You don't mind getting off my property?

If you've got an itch, you know where to scratch.

Yeah, I know where to scratch, but...

I'm not sure if you got my other messages.

I'm sure you wouldn't be ignoring me, so...

I wonder if maybe they're getting lost

or is there some systemwide voicemail malfunction...

In Michigan...

The whole greater area?

I must have left at least five by now.

So anyway, whatever.

Whatever whatever. Anyway, I need to...

Hook up with you at some point today.

I need to pick up Ray's wallet. You know, he left it there.

Did you see it? Have you seen it there somewhere?

It's brown.

Has his ID. I hope you call me back soon, Lenore.

You know how guys can be about their...

About their wallets.

They get hysterical when they lose stuff.

I mean, I lose stuff all the time, and I don't care, but you know...

Guys are weird.

- Did you bring the bagels? - What?

The bagels for brunch.

I've been trying to reach you.

Yeah, I don't know what...

what is up with your service provider, but I call you right back every time.

Obviously you got the brunch invitation.

I didn't know you were having brunch.

Now look, I've had a really rough week,

and I had to find your address in the phone book.

So I just need to know. Do you have Ray's wallet or not?

Tanya, I don't like your tone.

- What tone? - I invite you over

and you show up with a lot of fucked-up energy

like I'm some sort of thief or something.

- Whose house was it? - What?

The house that you had sex with him in.

As it so happens, I was house-sitting for a client.

T-Brain, do you really think I need to steal from you or your friends?

I don't know.

Here.

I hope the negativity was worth it.

It's empty.

- So? - Well...

I really don't need this right now.

Lenore, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that...

I don't know how things got so complicated.

I guess I should have just brought bagels, right?

I'm not that inclined to invite you to my party anymore, Tanya.

That's cool.

So how was it?

How was what?

The sex.

- It was good. - Great. That's great.

So what do you think? Maybe $500? $400?

- What are you talking about? - The compensation.

We said it would be "pay what you will."

Whatare you talking about? You said it was a free sample.

No, Lenore, we said that the price would be based on performance.

We don't do free samples.

I very clearly stated

that it would be "pay what you will."

Then I'll pay zero. That's what I will.

So I made 300 bucks?

Congratulations, happiness consultant.

Wait, how much did you take?

I took 25%.

I thought that was a good compromise.

So I guess that means she liked it.

She loved it, Ray.

I told you.

You have great potential for this.

Maybe I do.

Maybe I got, like, a god-given talent, huh?

Tanya, this is great.

So is she gonna recommend me to her friends or her clients or...

No, maybe. I think so.

Look, either way, we are off to a brilliant start.

Smoke and mirrors.

Mom, they're... they're helpless animals.

Those dogs are trained to limp.

If you want kids to like you,

get a puppy, not some actor dog!

I don't care if the kids like me.

I've been begging them for 2 years to like me,

apparently I'm just a pain in their ass.

Screw the kids!

I'm doing this for myself.

I'm sorry, I said no anchovies.

I can't even stand to smell them on my lettuce.

You see there?

That's the Tanya I admire...

The Tanya I see glimmers of in class.

- What? - You're assertive,

clear, very focused...

Like an eagle.

I think your lyric bread just might be a phenomenon...

A home run, Tanya.

If you apply yourself, I sense something big... A grand slam.

You like baseball metaphors.

To tell you the truth, I've been a little distracted lately,

and I haven't been working on lyric bread.

I know.

You do?

I can sense it.

You've got this little piece of gold, but you're afraid of it.

That's why I asked you to dinner tonight.

Look, of course you are a beautiful woman.

Any man in his right mind would die to have dinner with you.