Dereks Dead (Derek's Dead)

Subtitles by explosiveskull M_I_SForEver

- Hi. - Hey.

Can I help you?

I'm a lawyer.

- Oh! - Yeah.

- Okay, cool. Good for you. - Yeah. It's pretty cool.

- You like it? - Yeah, I like it.

Is... I mean, I'm sorry... What are you doing here? Can I help you?

Um... I have this for you.

Um, it's Derek.

- And... - This is a person?

- It's a person. - These are ashes!!

- It's a full person. Um... - What? What? No, wait.

Why are these... I don't... Who is this? Who's Derek?

Anderson. That... that's Derek Anderson.

- Derek Anderson's dead? - Yes.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

- That's amazing! - What? Wait... - Whoa...

No! Sorry. Oh, I'm sorry, that's rude.

- Very rude. - He just...

Look, we used to be friends... I hate his guts... I hated... his guts... his guts!

I hated him. He ruined my life. He did something terrible...

I haven't talked to him in twelve years. No, I don't care.

Oh, I don't care at all, that's incredible!

Okay, but you have to.

I don't have to. I don't... If I don't want to, I can just... here, take 'em.

I'm a lawyer, so you... you have to.

Are you saying I legally have to spread these ashes?

Yeah, you legally have to spread the ashes. With Harry. Your... your friend Harry.

- Harry Davis? - Yeah.

No! No! I hate Harry more than I hate Derek!

I haven't talked to him in twelve years, either!

I'm not gonna spread his ashes with Harry!

Are you kidding me?

- Well, I told you, you have to. - I don't think that's real.

It's real.

You sound like you don't understand law!

How long have you even been a lawyer?

I don't... Ugh. Like, twenty, twenty, twenty, um...

- Twenty, twenty-five years. - Twenty to twenty-five years.

- Twe... Twenty to twenty-five and a half years or something. - That's insane. How old are you?

I'm like forty-nine.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

I'm sorry, no, I'm sorry to be... No, you look amazing!

- No, I'm just saying, like, you look much younger than 49. - Thank you. Thank you.

- Congratulations. - You know what it is?

You stay, uh... You get a lotta sunlight.

If you just kinda bake a little bit... Um...

- I feel like it's the opp... no. - No, no, no, no.

Like... You just... You... The sun really keeps you young.

- I think it's... - And looking into it.

Well, thank you for everything. I'm gonna throw these in the trash, okay?

Okay. Bye.

I...

Oh! Come on... What the f...

Put your fuckin' picture on the top of the...

God damn it.

No, I just... I...

No. No. No.

- Luke-ay, Luke-ay, Luke-ay! - Trevor.

- What's up, my man, how's it goin'? - Good, dude. How you doing?

Dude, what the fuck? Are you looking at fucking porn, you fucking horn dog, at work?

I... I'm doing my job, man! This is the Walmart... Chicks of Walmart thing!

I'm jerkin' your dick, my guy!

- Dude, what is this? Seriously? - Ya got me.

This is the Walmart one. This is the 33 hottest chicks ever spotted at Walmart.

Oh! Fuck yeah, dude, let me see this. Oh, my God...

- Yeah, go ahead. - Fuck!

- Shit! - Right. With the... Yeah.

- Fuck! - Right.

- Shit! - Yeah, that one.

God damn it, dude. This is gonna get a lotta clicks.

It's a good one! Yeah. I'm just wrappin' it up, and then...

Dude, this'll get a ton... And I'm... Most of them by... most of them by me!

We get all our clicks from you?

- No, not all of them... - All the clicks for your...

You get a lot of 'em! I fucking love the stuff we put up here, man.

- That's why I'm doing this, that's why I'm makin' this. - Yeah!

Hey, if you love your work, that's, um... that's good, man,

I'm proud of... I... just... just...

Oh! Also... So, like, shit's gettin', like, political and stuff.

All that boring stuff, everyone's angry about I don't even know what.

So, I think for the next one, you should do, like, a, uh, political click thing.

- Um, yeah. - Sure. Sure.

- Election coming up. Talk about the candidates. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, no, but like... buzz words. Like, to, like set people off.

- Get them to, like, click. - Mmm.

I don't know, like, uh... Russians. Or immigrants.

- Or, um... - Right.

- what are they called terrorists? Or Muslims. - Hmm! Terrorist Muslims.

Yeah, just make it, like, pretty like...

What's it called, like, uh... propaganda-y.

- You want me to make propaganda? - Yeah!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - For your clickbait site? - Yeah.

- I think that'll be... I think that'll, like... - Yeah!

No, I can get right on that.

- I can make some terrorist Muslim propaganda. -

- And that'll get some clicks for ya. - Yes!

- That's what I'm talkin' about. - Right next to hottest chicks at Walmart.

Dude, this is why you're my fuckin' favorite employee. I'm not even kidding, man.

Yeah. Thanks, man. Yeah, really happy to be here.

Cool.

I'm gonna go, uh, check out the 33 hottest chicks ever spotted at Walmart!

- In my office! - Just don't... Okay.

- If you hear any weird noises... - I'm not comin' in.

You don't come in.

Maybe I'll, uh, slip through the blinds.

Give you... give you a wink! A thumbs up.

- No... I'd rather you didn't. I'd rather you didn't. - I'm kiddin' dude!

- I'm jerkin' your fuckin'. Dick... - All right!

- All right, dude... - That's a good one, man! Jerkin' off in the office.

- Always funny. - Dude, this is a small office.

- It is, isn't it? - All right, see ya, man.

How do you make propaganda?

Did you ever watch any of those Twilight movies?

- Yeah, yeah. - Aye, Luke!

- What's up, guys? - Aye, man, can you check if one of those packages is for me?

Yeah! Of course. What are you guys? Are you three?

- What apartment are you? - Oh, just check by the name, man.

- You know his name. - Yeah! No, of course. Name...

- Just the name, right? - Yeah.

Uh... Oh, weird, these labels are all... can you even tell where the names are on there?

- Wow, man. Come on. - I can't even...

- You don't know my name? - Oh, no!

- You don't know my name! - I know your name. Come on.

I thought you didn't know my name. You don't know my name, man!

I know your name. I know your name. No, I know your name.

- It's... Yeah, no, I know your name. - That's really fucked up, man.

- Oh, you know my name? - Yeah! - What's my name?

- Dave! - You see that, Dave?

- No! It's Greg, man! - Greg! Ohh.

- Greg! - No.

- Wow. Dave? - You know what it is?

Well, four letters. Same four letters.

And then, I know another guy. I know a dude named Dave who's kind of a strong guy like you.

All right, all right, all right, that's true.

You know, a strong, bald guy.

- This is kind of rude, man! - Yeah, of course! No.

- Kinda mean! - I know, I'm just...

You're like a... You're a bad neighbor.

Okay. Well... I mean... I'm just bad with names.

Everybody in the building doesn't like you, man. Everybody kinda hates you.

Nobody in the building likes me?

Yeah! Cause you kinda... You do this bullshit, man.

Oh, so you guys all meet up and just talk about which neighbors you don't like.

- Oh, yeah, Luke sucks, Luke sucks. - Yeah! We have parties!

- Yeah, yeah. - You're invited to the parties!

Okay, and I don't have to go if I don't want to!

It's not my responsibility to be your friend.

- As a neighbor. - Wow!

- - I'm not being rude. I'm not being a jerk.

I just don't know you that well. That's fine. That's my right.

- Oof. - I can do my thing, you guys do your thing,

whatever that may be! Have your fun.

- Oh, whoa, what does that mean? - Whatever that may be?

I just... It doesn't mean anything. It's just: do your thing!

Do your thing... Okay, well... Okay, we do our thing, uh...

who, who... who is this?

That's... Rod, right?

Wow, of course! Of course. Of course... of course you know his name.

- Really? Wow. - Well, it's the hair or somethin'. Rod...

Of course, he knows my name.

I'm tellin' you... That's what I'm sayin'!

I don't know, sometimes I'm good, sometimes I'm not.

This is real... this is real fucked up, man.

- You got some real deep, dark issues that you need to... - Okay.

- I don't even know what to say to you, man. - Yeah! No, okay. I mean...

Just... stop bein' a bad person.

Okay, I'll work on it. I'm sorry, uh... shit.

- It's Greg, man! - Greg! Yes! Greg. Sorry.

Greg. One G.

I got it. I'll see ya, Greg, uh... See ya, Rod.

Jesus Christ!

Fuck!

You are gonna be a good lime one day.

You have been visited by the bug fairy.

Harry, what are you doin'?

what are you doing... What is this? Luke!

- Were you polishing those limes, dude? - No! I'm not...

I'm not polishing the limes, I'm just...

- I'm just cleaning them, there's bugs... - Oh, you're cleaning 'em.

It's the first thing that people see when they come to my house!

I don't want bugs on my limes, and...

Oh, sure, because if they see dirty limes they might turn around and not come in.

What are you doing here? Is this, like, some kind of... amends thing?

Oh, an amends thing, sure, cause I must be an alcoholic, right?

I'm doing the twelve steps, is that what it is?

And wait a minute, what the hell do I even have to make amends for?

I mean, you slashed my tires. That was kinda fucked up. Ya know?

- So? - I missed a job interview.

- Oh, so what? - Kinda changed my whole career path.

Who cares, man? You got another fuckin' job, it wasn't that big a deal.

You ruined my chances with Lindsay, dude, she was the girl of my fucking dreams.

Oh, my God, the girl of your dreams?

You had like a million of those. Who cares?

That... No, I maybe had a few, but she was the big, she was it, man.