The Simpsons

But isn't it more important for a woman

to be smart and powerful than beautiful?

A woman can be smart, beautiful and powerful,

like Queen Elizabeth the First!

She had it all, except the most important thing.

Please don't say "a man. "

No, a husband!

The year was 1588,

400 years before Kirk Gibson would hit his famous home run.

Queen Elizabeth ruled over all of England.

Every eligible bachelor in Europe

wanted her handin marriage.

Majesty, thy suitors await.

I don't understand why I need a king.

So you can pump out a son,

and then I don't gotta work for no broad no more...

um... my liege.

Announcing Prince Ralph of Austria!

Off with my head!

Pass.

King Julio of Spain!

Hello, Queenie baby.

Forget it.

I've seen you making goo-goo eyes at my court jester.

Well, I like a man who can make me laugh.

But for you, I'll make an exception.

Hands off my harlequin!

This is 1588, and his material is fresh and hip.

You have made a big mistake, lady!

His Excellency,

Sir Walter Raleigh.

Your Majesty, I have returned from the New World

with a gift; this healthful and slimming herb...

tobacco.

Whoo...

Whoa!

If I ever have sex, this will be great afterwards.

I'll show those uppity English food-boilers.

What is the status of my armada?!

A hundred and 20

of the finest killing machines ever built.

Ooh, not bad. Not bad at all!

Now take me to the real ones.

Those are the real ones.

Watch out, England!

No, have mercy, Milord!

Never!

Guards, take him away

and put things inside of him!

Nice things?

No, not nice things!

Allow me.

Ooh, you have the strength of a plow horse,

but the charm of a cart horse!

Treason!

How dare you make out

under my crenellations while I make out not?

Don't you know that I love you?!

I've always loved you!

Um, which one of us are you talking to?

I'm not sure.

Both, neither. What difference does it make?

Take them to the tower!

Whoa, someone call Beowulf!

Grendel got in again!

Oh, it's you, Your Majesty.

The, uh, the Spanish Armada sails for England.

Armada? What's Armada?

Nothing. What's armada with you?

Seriously, though, we're in real trouble here.

Come, Tea Biscuit!

The time of battle grows nigh.

So, here's us...

and a whole lot of them.

It's probably a little too early

to be standing under this.

Lord Jesus, although our country turned Protestant

for the sole reason that our fat, mean king could dump

his faithful wife, we know you're on our side.

So please destroy these horrible monsters

who believe your mother should be revered.

Amen.

Abandon ship!

Normally, I love to see flaming dreamboats heading my way,

but not like this, baby, not like this!

For destroying the Spanish Armada,

I dub thee "Sir," Sir Walter Raleigh.

And I grant you two my blessing.

Your Majesty, it's so kind of you

to give up the one man you truly love.

I don't need a man for I have England!

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

You keep soaking.

We're going to Koo Koo Roo,

which in our language means nothing.

Lisa, you are going to look so pretty.

Thank you, but I know a story

of a dangerous obsession with female beauty.

It's called Snow White and the Seven...

Excuse me! The story you're about to tell is

the copyrighted property of The Walt Disney Corporation.

Can you sharpen these?

Excuse me, but Snow White is a fairytale

from hundreds of years ago. No one owns that.

Are there any dwarves in your story?

Yes, but they're my own original creation.

There's Crabby...

Drunky...

Hungry!

Greedy!

Lenny!

Kearney!

...and Doc... tor Hibbert.

* Ho-hi! *

* Ho-hi, ho-hi, it's off to work go I *

* This song's not like any song you know, ho-hi! *

* Ho-hi, ho-hi, ho-hi! *

Little did they know, their lives

were about to be changed forever

by a wicked queen.

HDTV on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?

You would do in a pinch, my Queen,

but Snow White's the fairest I have seen.

Also, there's a weather girl on channel nine who's...

Bring me Snow White's heart in this box.

What'll I do with the rest of the body?

Put it in this box.

Then you'll get your reward.

Now turtle, I'll need you to get in the soup.

I- I-I cannot do it!

Run, lassie!

Find wee little men, and hide with them!

Now to fool the queen with a pig's heart.

I- I cannot do it!

Maybe I'll make her a heart out of construction paper.

I- I-I cannot do it!

Let's see...

gingerbread house...

Grandma's house...

Ah, here we are.

All that walking made me sleepy.

This bed's too hard.

This bed's too soft.

And this bed is just...

like the first one, also too hard.

I guess I'll sleep in the one that's too soft.

* Ho-hi, ho-hi, it's time to now to get high *

* We'll take some shrooms and go to our rooms... *

There's something in our house!

Let's put a pickaxe in its brain!

You're in marketing.

Why do you even bring an axe?

If you were in marketing, you'd know.

She's beautiful!

Hmm, maybe she's been placed under some kind of a curse.

And all that will wake her is the kiss of a handsome...

I'm awake! I'm awake already!

Guess it's you and me again, doorknob.

Good-bye!

Now beware of the Evil Queen.

She's a master of disguise.

She could be anyone!

I'll be careful.

No, no, no, that's too much!

Go back outside!

Who are you?

Care for an apple?

Okay. Um... I'll take a green one.

No, take the red one.

Take a bite, dearie!

Uh-oh.

You'll never take me alive!

Ooh, herbivores.

I'm so scared.

So Snow White slept and waited for her prince to come...

but he never did...

because a woman shouldn't have to depend on a man.

Snow White was brought back to life by a lady doctor.

And she lived happily ever after?

Well, she couldn't indulge in strenuous activities like handball,

but otherwise she was fine.

That's nice.

Marge, I need some bribe money!

Well, don't say it so loud.

All I have are some dry-cleaning coupons.

Deal.

Thanks, Marge.

But don't forget, there's still gonna be a civil suit.

Lisa, let me tell you the story

of a great woman held back by a not-so-great husband...

Macbeth!

Out, damned spot! Out, I say!

Marge, please, If you don't like