The Middle

"The Scratch"

From the outside,

you can see we're just your average family.

Sure, we're a little disorganized.

Is that the garbage truck?

What time is it?

Mike, did you take out the trash?

It's Axl's turn.

Trash day! Bring out your trash!

Come on, guys, move! Trash truck's a block away!

Okay, okay. I know it probably looks a little insane

to be so nuts about Trash Day, but see,

due to recent cutbacks, trash pickup only happens

once every two weeks.

If you miss it, you're screwed.

We're never gonna make it!

Brick, what are you doing under there?

I'm tired of sleeping with Axl. His bed's always squeaking.

I want my own room.

How long have you been sleeping under there?

A month.

All right, whatever. Just get rid of your trash.

You know, I don't understand why nobody obeys the chore chart.

Axl was supposed to take out the garbage.

Sue was supposed to clean up last night.

I mean, why do we even bother making a chore chart

if nobody pays any attention to it?

There's nothing on it!

Yeah.

Because I haven't bought the dry-erase markers yet.

But it's all up here,

and you're supposed to remember what I told you.

I swear, I spend my whole life cleaning up other people's crap.

Ow!

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

Hey, guys, the truck's passing the Donahues'.

- Mom hit me with a beer bottle. - What?

Brick, don't tell people that. It sounds horrible.

I was tossing it to Sue, and Brick got in the way.

Let me see that. No, you're fine.

- He's all right? - Yeah. Barely even a scratch.

He's not bleeding or anything.

I'm sorry, honey.

Darn. I wanted a band-aid. Can I put a band-aid on anyway?

I want to use the new Super Mario ones.

Super Mario.

Okay, that's fine, honey. Mike, come on!

We can do this! We can do this! Hurry up!

We did it! We made it! We...

The day started off lousy, and then it got weird.

So out of the goodness of my heart,

I'm gonna reach into my own wallet,

and instead of buying that second pontoon boat,

I'm gonna spend the money on buying some TV ad time.

I decided to dust off my old commercial

from when we were up to our jockstraps in good times.

Help! Help! I'm being assaulted by high prices!

Just keep cool, little lady.

I'm Don Ehlert of Ehlert Motors,

and they're not gonna get away with that on my lot.

I'm shooting down high prices...

Ooh!

And bad service.

Aah! Ooh!

Uh, Mr. Ehlert,

you can't run that commercial.

It's racist.

What are you talking about?

I'm shooting high prices.

It's racist to shoot high prices?

When high prices is a... black man, yes, sir.

I just think maybe if you made a new commercial,

you might appeal to an entirely new group of people--

You know, young people...

Non-racists.

You two write me up a new commercial

and have it on my desk tomorrow morning.

Frankie, you have a call on line one.

Your son Brick's school is on line one.

Well, I'm working, too. Besides, it's your turn.

I went down to the school when Axl pantsed the band kids.

I did Sue and the squirrel attack.

Brick and the chalk-chewing.

Brick and the lying down in class.

Brick and the beeping in class. Brick and the howling in class.

Brick and the...

Hi. I'm Brick Heck's dad. What did he do this time,

forget his lunch? We're in kind of a hurry this morning.

Thank you.

- What's going on here? - You tell me.

I hear your wife got a little rough

with your son this morning.

What? Are you joking?

You guys strippers or something?

No, I'm afraid not. We got a call from the hall monitor.

He said that your-- your son told him

that his mother hit him with a beer bottle.

Hi, Dad!

Guys, this is all a huge misunderstanding.

- It was an accident. - Relax, Mr. Heck. Just stay calm.

When parents are stressed, lapses in judgment can occur.

Tell me about it. We should never have let Brick

anywhere near the first aid kit.

It's tiny.

It's not even a scratch.

Here, Brick, unwrap it and show 'em.

Sir, we can't allow you to talk directly to your son.

What?

Is this for real?

Oh, it was for real, all right.

It started with the bandage

and then just snowballed from there.

It didn't help that there was a new hall monitor at school.

Hey, buddy. What happened to your arm?

I'm not supposed to tell.

What do you mean?

My mom says I'm not supposed to tell.

Well, if something happened at home,

you have to tell a grown-up.

Okay. My mom hit me with a beer bottle.

She was mad, and my dad was mad, and I always get in the way.

You can see how this sounded.

Everyone could see how it sounded, except Brick.

And once a teacher hears something like that,

he's legally required to report it.

Now I realize this may be uncomfortable for you

to talk about, Mr. Heck,

but has your wife ever been physically abusive to you?

Are you kidding? She's, like, 5 feet tall.

I could kick her ass.

And do you ever kick... her ass?

No. No, of course not.

Oh, Mike. Got your message.

Hi, honey. Lookit. See how little she is?

Take your shoes off, hon.

Oh.

Sorry, Mom. You told me not to tell, but I told.

- Don't be mad. - Mad? No! Why would I be mad?

I am never mad, never, ever, ever.

This is all a huge misunderstanding.

The beer bottle hit him when I tossed it gently--

Just oh, so gently--

And do you often drink in the morning?

No. I think that was my husband's beer bottle.

Mr. Heck, you're the one who drinks in the morning?

No. God, this is ridiculous.

Look--hey, you know what?

We have a teenage son that is a huge pain in the butt.

Don't you think if we wanted to abuse somebody,

we would have abused him?

Officer McCoy, if I could please step in here?

I have known this family for years...

Years and years and years.

And although they don't help with fund-raisers...

We work.

Or teacher appreciation day or the back-to-school picnic,

they are a good family.

Well, since the principal feels so strongly about this,

we'll release him back into your custody.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Okay. So we're all done here? Everything's cleared up?

Oh, no. You're in the system now.

A social worker will be coming by your house

to make an official evaluation.

You know all those times you wished someone would come

and take your kids away?

Well, the reality isn't really

- as great as the fantasy. - Okay.

So the social worker's coming tomorrow afternoon

for the home visit.

So if I tell the social worker that you hit me, too,

does that mean that I can, like,

trade up to a better foster family or...

Shut up, shut up, shut up! They're gonna split us up!

They're gonna take us away!

Relax. Nobody's taking anybody anywhere.

This is a formality so they can sign their paperwork.

We're gonna answer their questions.

Brick's gonna tell them what really happened,

and they're gonna see what a normal family we really are.

Can I have dinner here in my room tonight?

And at that moment, it dawned on us

that our future rested in Brick's hands.

God help us.

So, Brick, your dad and I thought it might be fun

to have a little practice run at some of the questions

the social worker might ask you.

Sprinkles?

- Okay. - Okay.

There you go.

So for example, uh, what would you say

if she asked you if your mom ever hits you?

Not deliberately.

Okay. That's a good answer.

But you know what's a good answer, too? "No."

Just... no.

No is good.

Keep it brief. Keep it simple.

Okay. I'll just tell her