The Neighborhood

Mmm! Mmm! Baby, your pot roast is my favorite dish.

So, why didn't you eat more of it, then?

Oh, no. No, I'm not going into another food coma

on family game night.

Your casserole last week gave me the itis.

Yeah, you are the only person

I've ever known to fall asleep playing Twister.

It was like, left hand on blue,

right hand on green, drool on yellow.

Well, y'all are in trouble tonight,

because I took a nap at work.

And I'm about to destroy y'all butts in some Uno.

What is it with you and that game?

Yeah, man, that box says it's for seven-year-olds.

And up! Don't forget about the "and up"!

Oh, who's that?

It better not be Crackhead Victor.

I told him I don't want to buy no life jacket.

Oh, damn.

Is it Victor?

No, worse. The Johnsons.

Did somebody say "game night"?

What are you guys doing here?

I invited them. Come on in, guys.

When we heard you guys had a weekly game night,

I got so excited.

Dave loves games.

Yeah, the whole family does.

Dave loves games.

Okay, maybe I love them

a little bit more than everybody else,

but what's not to love?

People coming together in the spirit

of competition, cooperation, camaraderie.

I usually fall asleep.

Okay, Calvin, what do you say?

You ready to square off against another OG?

Original gamesta.

Your turn.

Oh. Oh. Okay.

Uh...

Hmm.

Jenga. I win!

Which brings us to our fourth option... Potato Famine Farmers.

You did this.

Okay,

now, the rules are really quite simple.

Everyone will play as farmers during the Irish Potato Famine,

who are trying to get their families back to Dublin

so they can avoid starvation.

Now, to get there, you'll utilize a combination

of victory points, agricultural bonuses, and trail attacks.

Now I don't want to get ahead of myself...

And this is not a requirement...

But what's everybody's basic understanding of Gaelic?

You're right. I did this.

No. Come on. This game is a blast.

Look, around here, we don't play games in Gaelic.

We play in English.

Yeah, that's why we play Uno.

Well, I vote for the potato game.

You know, I love Riverdance, so maybe I'll like this.

Hey, Malcolm, can I go play video games

in your room instead?

Yeah. Sure, little man.

Whoa. Uh, seriously, buddy?

You... you want to go play video games

instead of having fun with your family and friends?

See ya.

Yeah. I'm going with Grover.

Whoa, hold on. I...

Calvin, Calvin, this...

Look, this'll give us a chance

to all hang out and have fun together.

Come on, baby. He's our guest.

Let's play a new game for a change.

Okay, but I don't want to be a shamrock sharecropper.

What other games you got in there?

Uh, okay. You know what?

Here's a good one. It's called Naming Names.

Naming Names?

Around here, that game is called "snitching."

Mm-hmm.

I actually like this one.

Actually?

Take the win, sweetheart.

Come on, Milton Bradley. How do you play?

Joke's on you. Personal hero of mine.

Okay.

Here's how this works. I'll read a question from the deck like,

"What's your favorite hobby?"

And then everyone will write down their answers.

And then I'll read the answers,

and we'll all guess who wrote what.

Okay. Cool. I'll keep score.

Well, it's not really about keeping score.

It's-it's more of a game of just getting to know each other.

Well, get to know me.

I'm Calvin Butler and I keep score.

All right, after eight rounds,

guess who has a ten-point lead.

Me.

How do you say "I'm kicking your ass" in Gaelic?

Come on, Dave.

Hit me with another question.

Here's a good one.

"What's something bad you've done,

but never told anyone about?"

Damn, this is a nosy-ass game.

Okay, while you're all writing, I'll tell you mine.

Uh, I once asked for a water cup

at a fast food restaurant and filled it with lemonade.

Wow, Dave. Thank God you turned your life around.

Okay. All right, all right.

- Here we go. Here we go. - All right.

The first answer is...

Oh, it looks like I'm not the only bad boy in the room.

Someone wrote,

"I shoplifted."

Malcolm.

He doesn't have a job. It's got to be him.

Boom! Another point for your boy!

Whoa. So, just because I don't have a job,

that makes me a thief?

I'm just saying, if the shoe fits, you probably stole it.

Well, you can take your point off, 'cause it wasn't me.

It was me.

I'm the shoplifter.

Oh, damn. I should've knew it.

Malcolm was too obvious, man.

Damn, Gemma, you're a thief?

I can see that.

You never told me you shoplifted.

It was a long time ago.

Is it weird that I'm turned on by that?

I was in junior high.

Then the answer is yes.

Wait. So, what'd you steal?

A Star Trek backpack.

Oh, damn it. It's sexy again.

Wait. You stole a Star Trek backpack? Gemma,

live long and plunder.

Actually, I was aiming for the Spice Girls, but I panicked.

I wanted Sporty, but instead I grabbed Spock.

- Hmm. - And then what?

I ran out.

Damn!

My girl Gemma outrunning the po po.

No, no, no. No one chased me.

What?

Yeah, I was so on edge, I binged, like, four Cinnabons

- just to calm down. - Ooh.

Girl, if you was black, you'd still be sitting in jail

with type 2 diabetes.

Wait. You think I got away with it because I'm white?

- Yes, definitely. - Yeah.

Of course.

Shoot, I was in the store the other day.

Security followed me so long, I thought I did steal something.

- That still happens? - Are you kidding?

I have more followers in a department store

than I do on Twitter.

Yeah, it's profiling, man.

It's still an everyday thing for us.

Yeah, tell me about it. You just did it to me.

What are you talking about?

You just accused me of shoplifting

and called me a thief.

I was playing a game.

Stop being so sensitive.

Oh, so now you're calling me soft?

All right, you two.

Yeah, um, you know what? Let's do another question.

Here's a good one.

"Who's your favorite Smurf?"

No, you know what, Dave? I don't want

to play with somebody who keeps disrespecting me.

Boy, sit down. Ain't nobody disrespecting you.

Yes, you are, Pop. You do it all the time.

Well, maybe I wouldn't have to

if you did something worthy of my respect.

Forget this, man. I'm out of here.

Malcolm?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to start a fight

just because I stole a stupid backpack.

You stole a backpack?

The point is, I felt so bad for stealing that backpack,

I realized the right thing to do was to return it and apologize.

Good job, Mom. I'm proud of you.

Aw, thanks, baby.

All right, buddy. Now go put on your pajamas

and brush your teeth.

I'll be up to tuck you in in a minute.

Wow. You handled that really well,

but why didn't you tell everybody else

you returned the backpack?

Because I didn't. I'm a thief and a liar

and a terrible mother.

That-That's not true.