Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.

Community leader!

They all know me! You like my suit?

Number one, Citizen Khan.

Oh, Mrs Desai called about the wedding. Said they can't come.

I knew it! She hates us.

She's punishing me for not sending out the invitations.

SHE GASPS

Now she's going to unfriend me on Facebook!

No, they actually can't come? Her husband died.

Oh. Thank God.

Open the door!

Open the bloody door! Coming!

Look at this!

On special discount from Cash and Carry. Good, huh?

This is too many. It's not too many.

We're always running out because you lot use too much.

What are you talking about? You only ever need a little bit.

Look. This, too much. This, too much. This, just right.

Nobody ever needs to use more than that.

Why do you have to make such a fuss about toilet tissue?

Because it costs money!

And I'm paying for this bloody wedding, don't forget.

It is my big day, Dad.

More like big four days.

Why do our weddings have to take so long?

Maybe we should have an English wedding.

20 minutes in registry office, cucumber sandwich, cup of tea,

"Thank you for coming, bye bye."

The shame! What will the Maliks say?

Chillax. I'm only joking.

Luckily for you, you are married to a Pakistani businessman, hey?

Dad, you're such a cheapskate. It's embarrassing. Chup!

I want no backchat from anyone!

She has to look pretty for the wedding. I said chup!

These dresses are so beautiful. Chup!

Not as beautiful as you, my darling! Chup! Ah, thanks, Mum!

Chup! Amjad is a very lucky...

I said chup! Is this not bloody working?!

Why you always talking about bloody expensive dresses?

A man doesn't care what his bride is wearing.

the first thing I thought when I saw her was, "She looks bloody cheap."

In a good way!

Go on, be a good daughter for once, help your mother.

What about Alia? You never have a go at her!

Your little sister is good girl. She'll be somewhere

doing her homework or praying or some such thing.

Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie!

Where are you, darling Alia?

Ah.

Look at that. Wonderful. Reading the Koran, huh?

Very good. Where are you up to darling? Oh yes, that's a good bit.

See? First the worst, second the best, isn't it?

Have you been watering down the washing up liquid?

Why are you sponging the sofa again?

Three times already you sponged it this week.

I'm just freshening it up. Mrs Malik is coming round with Amjad tomorrow.

I don't want her saying things about my plastic covers.

As it is, she's always looking down her nose at us,

making out we're common.

Rubbish. Why would she think that?

CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY

Anyway, she won't be thinking that for much longer.

You know the president of the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association?

He's asked me to accompany him to the next meeting.

Accompany him, like proper businessman!

More like drive him, like proper driver.

You know what this means?

They're making me the next president. President Khan!

What do you think of that? That'll go down well at the mosque.

Oh, by the way, have you booked the mosque for the wedding?

Yes, of course I have.

Good, because if you hadn't we might've lost the slot. I know.

And then there would be cancellation. I know this!

And shame.

And I would have to kill myself.

Look, who's in charge of this family? Mum?

I am!

Look I've booked the mosque, OK? I said I would do it,

and I will do it... Er, I have done it. It's booked, done.

Baas.

CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY

Don't stop reading, Alia. It's a big book

Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan. Waleikum asalaam, Riaz. What are you up to?

Burying dead people. Oh, of course.

How's the car? The Mercedes, eh?

Still looking like a brand new.

This is Omar. He's new. Excellent. Welcome.

Mr Khan, community leader.

Future President of the Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association.

Ask anybodys, they all know me.

Ah! Asalaam Alaikum.

I'm delighted to make the acquaintance

of such a prominent member of the local community.

What's wrong with him? He's from Somalia. Oh...

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

Yes. Mr Khan!

Mrs Bilal! What are you doing in the mosque office?

I wanted to talk to you.

I'm busy, talk to someone else. Like who?

Well, it's a mosque. Have you tried God?

Are you coming to the Women's Group day trip? No!

We're going to Alton Towers!

Well...

Have a wonderful time and try not to fall out of any rides.

But I might want someone to hold my hand.

Thank you, goodbye, Mrs Bilal.

Mr Khan! Mr Khan!

God, Mrs Bilal!

President Khan. How do you do?

Mr President Khan. Pleased to meet ya.

HE SIGHS

Yes. Next President of SPBA.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Testing, testing, one, two.

This is President Khan speaking.

My fellow business leaders.

Ask not what your association can do for you,

but what have you done for me lately?

I have a dream, a song to sing.

Everything all right? Yes, thank you.

I was just looking for the prayer mats.

Right. So, er... You've got everything you need, yeah?

Yes. You know you can drop in anytime

and use the facilities here.

Yes. This is the house of God, open to everyone.

Yes, that's very nice. Can I just ask one thing?

Shoot. Who the hell are you?

Sorry, I'm Dave. I'm the new mosque manager.

What happened to Mr Qureshi? He's tied up under the desk.

No. Only kidding. Mr Qureshi has taken early retirement.

Oh, right. Well, congratulations and welcome onboard.

And you are? Mr Khan, community leader.

Mr Qureshi must have mentioned me.

Ohhhh, yes. YOU'RE Mr Kahn.

That's me.

I need to talk to you about booking the mosque

for my daughter's wedding.

Your daughter's getting married? Congratulations!

Thank you. You must be very proud! Mmm... Eh.

Now, I need to book it on this date here.

OK, I'll check the diary. What for?

To see if I have a window.

I'm not asking you out for dinner. You're a very nice man,

but I... (LOWERS VOICE) ..play with a straight bat, you know?

Right. Oh, no. Oh, we're booked up that day.

You can't be. Check again. No. Definitely booked.

What?! Do know who I am? Hello! Mr Khan, community leader!

Next President of Sparkhill Pakistani Business Association!

I'm sorry.

Right, that's it. I want to speak to the proper manager.

I am the proper manager.

You know what I mean. The proper manager.

'Proper'? The brown one.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

It's OK I get this a lot. I am a Muslim. I'm a convert.

Right. I'm not trying to be funny, mate,

but you can't be a proper Muslim, you see.

Because I'm white? Because you're ginger.

What's that got to do with it?

You gingers are very different to the rest of us.

Not so calm, frickley freckley skin, Scottish.

I'm not Scottish. You drink?

I used to. You Scottish.

I think you might be being a teeny bit racist, Mr Khan.

Me? I'm Asian.

You are white, I'm racial.

It is more racist you calling me racist!

And anyway, you can't go around impersonating mosque managers.

It's forbidden in the Koran.

Is it? Well, if it isn't, it should be.

It's the sacred word of God, never to be taken lightly.

Look, I've made my declaration of faith.

I observe the five pillars. And any way, doesn't the Koran teach us

that everybody is born a Muslim and so, in fact...

All right, don't take it SO seriously!

Look. Just get me in there and nobody needs to know.

I'm really sorry, Mr Khan, but the mosque is booked.

Look, Dave, you put me in a very difficult position.

What am I supposed to say to my wife and daughter?

I'm sure they'll understand.

You haven't met my wife and daughter.

Mrs Malik.

Thank you.

House looks nice.

Thank you. The sofa's a little squeaky.

Thank you!

So clever what you've done in such a small space.

Thank you.

Are you texting someone? No. I'm praying to Mecca.

There's an app for it now, innit?

Wow. Amazing.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Ah, here is Mr Khan now.

Darling, your favourite gulab jamun is home!

Mrs Malik and Amjad are here!

Hello, Mrs Khan. How are you?

What a wonderful surprise, Mrs Malik.

I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow. What delightful chance