Sneakerheads

Hey.

Jesus Christ, man. Why don't you leave me the fuck alone?

No, I won't. Okay? I refuse to see you go out like this.

I will get a restraining order.

Not if you hear the news I gotta tell you.

You know what? I'm not doing this. Not at work.

Wait, wait, wait. Okay, listen, I got a text message from Hot Dog Daddy 2.

He's willing to give us a clue for the Zeros

in exchange for a pair of Oregon 4s.

Where the fuck you gonna get some Oregon 4s?

I thought you'd never ask. Nori's got a guy.

There's no way Nori's down with this bullshit.

He's right. I've got a guy.

What's up, Devi Dev?

Long time no see, man.

-All right. -Wow, Devin. You're really back.

Uh…

Yeah, man.

Um, is there anything new?

We gotta Keurig in the kitchen.

There's always been a-a Keurig… in the kitchen.

Nothing then, I-I guess.

Okay, Jack.

-I'm gonna go down. -

'Kay. Have you got laid yet?

Office party, like, about a year ago. Susie.

Um, hello! The Lovely Bones, anyone?

Yo, Three Kings? You really gonna make me say Three Kings?

I'm sorry, are we acting like Transformers is not a thing?

Ooh, Departed. Legendary movie.

Mark Wahlberg has never acted a day in his life

-Aw, that's disrespectful. - Are you kidding?

Mark Wahlberg just plays Mark Wahlberg.

There's Boston Mark Wahlberg. There's cop Mark Wahlberg.

There's unnecessarily cranky Mark Wahlberg.

They're all just Mark Wahlberg.

The guy has an Oscar nomination.

The key word is nomination.

And why is he always out of breath?

You just salty 'cause he took your wife out.

-That's what we doing? -Wait. Marky Mark was banging your wife?

-She was an extra… on Rock Star. - Uh-huh.

They had a brief conversation at craft. That's it.

He probably doesn't even remember her.

Y'all ran into him at Starbucks,

and he remembered how she takes her coffee.

Like he can't just guess cream and sugar

and be right 80% of the time?

Wait. Can someone explain to me. Why are we talking about him in the first place?

Just follow my lead all right? And don't be a dick.

He doesn't respond well to negativity.

What? Why-Why are you telling me to not be a dick?

You be a dick sometimes.

- -Yo, yo, yo, it's been a minute.

-Hey, what's going on? -I am not a dick.

You would be on the cover of Dickly magazine.

Tell Stevie I need a pair of those Wu Tang Dunks ASAP, okay?

Okay, yeah, he can definitely get them but the rush is gonna cost.

The only pair I know about is all the way in Shanghai.

Just let me know, all right? And, uh, is that Wahlberg's house?

-Tell him I said what's up. -Okay, talk soon.

-Mark. Good to see you! -Stevie! Come on in, girlfriend.

He just called her Stevie?

Is Mark Wahlberg her dude?

You know, I'm still doing that four a.m. thing.

- - Yo.

-How-How are you? All right. -Great, how are you?

Hey, listen I-- I, um, kinda wasn't expecting strangers today,

but it's all good. Any friend of Stevie's is a friend of mine.

You StevieKickz, ain't you? I knew it.

No, you didn't.

Okay, maybe I didn't.

But I shoulda seen the clues.

Oh M God.

This is exactly how I dreamt it would be.

You know, I play an actor on the big screen,

but my true passion is collecting.

Is that--

Oh yeah, that's an original popcorn machine.

Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey, circa 1928.

Wait a minute, you look familiar. You from Boston?

-Nah. -Nah, hold on.

No, we've definitely met somewhere before.

-Nah. -I'll figure it out.

I always do.

Oh man, I'm running behind. My weekly game is in about 10 minutes.

-You guys are welcome to hang. Wanna hang? -For sure, yeah!

-Yeah, totally. -I'm pretty sure I live here now-- Ow!

Awesome, listen, I'm gonna run upstairs and change. Feel free to fuel up.

I got an omelet bar in the back corner, so hit that up.

-Eat up, guys. - Come on.

Hey, thank you so much, Mr. Mark Wahlberg.

Mark Wahlberg just offered us omelets for free.

So? They're just eggs.

He could've offered us a sweet to go with our savory.

Like a crepe or waffle.

Oh, and I almost forgot. There's a waffle bar, too.

I can't just offer you a savory option. I mean come on.

Mm, it's 'cause you're ungrateful. You're ungrateful.

I can't believe you ain't tell me you was StevieKickz.

Think it's easy being a female in this game?

No, but you ain't gotta lie about it.

-What's up, papi? -Is that cilantro I taste?

100%.

This is really incredible though.

I wonder how much he got in his checking account right now.

Think he ever, like, forget to transfer from his savings?

Get hit with an overdraft or something like that?

Well, he clearly hasn't managed the large square footage properly.

Does he even have a pool?

Hey, you guys can jump in the pool.

It's heated to 98.6, body temp, super comfy.

Oh, and there's a swimsuit room underneath the sundae bar.

Hit that up too if you want.

Ridiculous. You're not supposed to eat ice cream

before you get in the pool.

Everybody knows that.

You're pathetic.

Oh, okay.

Very mature, Bobby.

You got saltwater all over my omelet, but guess what?

Joke's on you,

'cause salt makes eggs taste better.

Can we just get the shoes and go, please?

Afraid it's not gonna be that easy. They're currently his favorite pair.

How the fuck we gonna get 'em then?

Just follow my lead.

You know those are Oregon 4s, right?

No disrespect, but you not about to hoop in those?

Hoop?

Hell no. No, I play tennis now.

Wait, what?

Yeah a couple months ago I played in these,

and I had the match of my life. I haven't lost in them since.

- -Oh.

My boy, Marshawn, just hit me up. He can't make it.

Now I'm down one. Hey, you up for it, Dev?

You know what? My day is loaded, so--

How is that even possible? You just quit your job, remember? Go ahead and play!

Bobby said you can play, so play!

Are you sure you wanna run? I mean, you got a hell of a physique man.

Is that all natural? Because if it is, I can hook you up

-with some of my personal pro-- -Fuck this… I'm out.

Hey, Devin!

Devin! Yo, you can't leave.

-Ay, you can't leave. -Why? He will not give up those shoes

-as long as he's winning. -Exactly.

You kick his ass, he won't want 'em no more, you can get 'em back.

You know what? That's a great idea.

You should really start marketing yourself as, "Hi, my name is Bobby,

I will fuck up your life in less than a week."

-He smashed your wife. -He did not smash my wife.

You know how horny people get at craft services?

Hovering around Nutri-Grain bars and the peanut butter filled pretzels.

You just gotta think about everything we've been through. Okay?

We get the Oregon 4s, we fuckin' this much closer to getting the Zeros.

All you gotta do is play him in one game. That's it.

Come on man, think about how far we've come.

We here. We right here.

Is-Is that a yes?

-Yes. -Yes! Okay.

Mr. Stuey, I presume?

Yes.

Welcome to Mr. Wahlberg's wing of relaxation and leisure.

Would you care for a personalized robe?

Do I actually need to answer that?

Here you are, sir.

Oh, my God.

There's so many stairs here.

Mr. Wahlberg's motto is, "You never reach your goals without a climb."

So that's why he's always out of breath.

Makes so much se-- Oh, my God!

This is comfy.

Gonna need those shoes, man.

Yeah, I got you.

- You got enough. - Sure, we'll see.

Hey man, you're back. Listen, I want you to meet my family. This is my--

-my Boston brother, Paul. -Whaddup?

My boy Rap. Over here's Sal. Gonna be a good day.

Yeah, yeah, whatever man.

So, what, y'all playin' teams? Doubles? What's up?

What's with the attitude, huh?

Tennis is supposed to be a gentleman's sport.