Are You Being Served?

Oh!

Here, what do you think you're playing at?

What are you going on about?

I bet it ain't the first time

you've lost your knickers in a tube.

Mr. Harman.

Will you please hurry about your business

and get back to the store room?

You've got no authority over me, so get stuffed.

I didn't hear that.

You've got no authority over me, so get stuffed!

Oh! Drat.

The damn door's stuck again!

It's Mrs. Slocombe, she's trapped in the lift!

Mr. Harman, get that door open.

See if you can force it open.

Get your feet at it.

Pull, pull. That's right.

It's time somebody saw to this dratted thing.

Come on, we'll give you a hand.

Oh, pass your stuff out.

Yes, take Mrs. Slocombe's things.

Oh, and would you mind taking this, Mr. Harman?

Take the bag, take the bag.

Yes, but how am I going to get down?

You'll have to back out. I'll get you a stool.

Oh, thank you, Miss Brahms. Oh!

Would you mind holding my pussy?

Mrs. Slocombe, you're not taking that thing

on holiday with you, are you?

Well, of course I'm not.

I'm boarding her at the pussy hotel in the pet department.

She's such a retiring little soul.

She won't be by the time some

of them randy moggies up there

give her a good going-over.

I am paying a surcharge for her private quarters.

That's the bit they're looking forward to.

Here Mrs. Slocombe, here's your stool.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Miss Brahms.

Oh, I hope I haven't forgotten me passport.

Don't worry.

If you show that lot at customs

what you're showing us, I'm

sure they'll know you're British.

Oh, couldn't I have a ladder?

You've already got one.

It goes nearly out of sight.

I'll bat your earhole when I get out of here.

Come along, Mrs. Slocombe. Here, give me your hand.

Miss Brahms, hold that.

Oh, thank you, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Harman, kindly avert your gaze.

Come on, give me a hand.

Oh, and keep your hands on the stool.

Yes, you've done very well, Mr. Henry.

It's not easy, my hair.

Oh, no, sir.

You have to find it before you can cut it.

Take your account to my office, will you please?

Will there be anything else, sir?

Yes. Get your cards at the same time.

Henry, love, I think I'm about done.

I've got to be upstairs in three minutes.

Coming, dear.

MMmMm.

That suits you.

It's me mother's.

Our heads are the same size,

and she's off to a bingo reunion,

so I thought I'd treat her to a free set.

Do you know, I'm not sure I like it.

Now, Miss Brahms.

You can start getting rid of them balloons.

The sale was over yesterday.

Here.

I've got a display unit for you.

The Lifebelle inflatable swimsuit,

completely safe for the non-swimmer.

It works with a sparklet bulb.

What does it do?

You will note they are independent of each other

in case of a puncture.

It comes complete with a mid-ocean repair outfit

in case you get caught on a sunken wreck

or a Romeo with sharp teeth.

Oh, thank heavens I can swim.

Ah, but think of the other advantages, darling.

You're lying out there on the beach.

Your eyes is closed.

A Robert Redford comes out of

the sea looking for the crumpet.

What do you do?

You press the emergency valve and, hey, presto!

Disgusting.

I have never seen anything like it in my life.

I wonder if they give staff discount?

I should take one on our holiday

with you, if I was you, darling.

I don't want to spend half of my life

giving you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation

every time I pull you out of the sea.

Don't tell me you're coming as well!

Well, of course I am! You don't think I'm going to

spend all me time on me own here with the store shut?

I see.

Miss Brahms, come with me.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

At the moment, Mrs. Slocombe.

When I consented to take part

in the Grace Brothers holiday offer,

I didn't think we'd be mucking

in with the maintenance staff.

Mrs. Slocobe, the whole store is being closed for redecoration.

The only way the entire staff

could be persuaded to take their holidays simultaneously

was to make this very attractive, low price offer

to all departments.

Well, if that coarse lot in carpets is coming,

you can count me out,

and I am unanimous in this.

They are going to Tunisia.

We are destined for the Costa Plonka.

Then why isn't Harman going to Tunisia?

Maintenance, being a small section,

can go wherever they wish.

Mmm, I know where I'd wish they'd go.

Is it true that Mrs. Peacock won't be accompanying us

on our holiday?

Sadly, she will not.

We'll have to watch it then, won't we?

Watch what, Mrs. Slocombe?

Well, you know,

two unattached persons thrown together on a foreign shore,

hot tropical nights,

pulsating music,

a couple of rum and Cokes,

and anything could happen.

Don't worry, Mrs. Slocombe.

You can rely on me to behave like a gentleman.

I was afraid of that.

I had a bit of bad news yesterday.

Mrs. Peacock won't be able to come on holiday with me.

Oh, yes?

I take it you'll be unaccompanied as well?

Of course.

Hmm.

Two lonely people thrown together on a foreign shore.

We'll have to watch it, won't we?

Well, I intend going to the discos every night,

so you'll have to watch it on your own.

Right. Places everyone, places.

I'm very nearly late!

You are late, Mr. Lucas.

Wh...

How many times have I told you

not to put food in your pockets?

Every time you've caught me, Captain Peacock.

You will get all your pockets sewn up by the coffee break.

Sewn up?

Sewn up, Mr. Lucas.

What is more, it is two minutes past nine,

and this is the third occasion

on which you have been late in one week.

I shall be making a report.

Oh, just a minute, Captain Peacock.

I mean, just because somebody presses a bell,

it doesn't mean to say they know what time it is.

My watch says two minutes past nine.

Ah, yes, so it might, but have you checked it?

I check it every morning by the church clock.

And who's to say the vicar hasn't bunged it

on a minute or two

so as to cram 'em in early for matins?

I'm going to make an adverse entry on your time sheet.

Before you do that, Captain Peacock,

may I suggest you dial Tim?

Oh, yeah.

What a good idea, Mr. Humphries.

- Oh, very well. - No, it's all right, sir. I'll do it.

At the third stroke,

it will be nine o'clock precisely.

Pip, pip, pip.

At the third stroke...

Hold that a moment, Mr. Lucas.

It will be nine o'clock

and 20 seconds.

Pip, pip, pip.

At the third stroke

I shall be reporting you for being late, Mr. Lucas,

and I shall be reporting Mr. Humphries

for aiding and abetting you.

Pip, pip, pip.

Come in.

You sent for me, sir?

Uh, who are you?

I'm Rumbold of the Men's.

You're very well dressed for a lavatory attendant.