House on Haunted Hill

October 111 19311 Los Angeles.

A conflagration ofbiblical proportions incinerates nearly everyone...

...in what was once LA's most celebrated medical facility:

The Vannacutt Psychiatric Institute For the Criminally Insane.

But the secret this inferno burned free was far more frightening...

...than any picture Hollywood could produce.

A sanitarium of slaughter...

...supervised by a surgeon gone mad:

Richard Benjamin Vannacutt.

Doctor Richard Benjamin Vannacutt.

Little known today...

...but likely the most prolific mass murderer of this century.

He out-butchered Bundy.

He made Manson look meek.

And the site ofhis carnage still exists today...

...restored almost to its original state.

But it has yet to be inhabited1 because some say...

...the spirits of Vannacutt and his victims...

...still live within the walls of the House on Haunted Hill.

No shit.

We'll be back with more Terrifying But True in a moment.

No need, baby.

You just gave me everything I needed.

Price.

EveIyn, how nice.

That is totaIIy fucking fascinating, but I've got to get back to you.

They're trying to shoot me here.

What is it, Mr. Price, business or pIeasure?

Neither. My wife.

Your roIIer coaster is quote, ''UnIike any that has come before it.''

AbsoIuteIy. No cheap thriIIs.

A journey to the brink of madness.

It just Iooks Iike a generic roIIer coaster to me. What's the gimmick?

Ever seen one that starts at the top?

Twenty stories worth of top?

Sources said the reason your park's opening has been deIayed...

...was a near-fataI accident on one of the rides here.

I wouIdn't open this pIace tomorrow if every singIe thing...

...down to the beheaded Beanie Babies, hadn't tested 100-percent safe.

What the heII was that?

Growing pains.

New steeI must bend and stretch a IittIe before finaIIy settIing in.

Don't worry. In 15 years, Price Amusements hasn't Iost a customer.

I've designed and buiIt six of these pIaces. Take my word for it...

...everything's fine.

God forbid, if something unexpected shouId happen...

...there's aIways the safety cabIe.

That does what?

Keeps the cab from just--

Do something!

Like what?

This shouIdn't be happening!

Oh, Jesus! Oh, God!

We're aII going to die!

Ifyou survived Terror Incognita...

...please exit the elevator now.

From here on, it gets reaIIy scary!

AII right, princess. Now, what were you babbIing?

CongratuIations. On a scaIe of 1 to 10 on the perversity meter, you just hit a 73.

Why don't we go and ceIebrate at some nice, quiet IittIe restaurant?

Houston, I think we've got a probIem.

Go stir your cauIdron or something for a sec.

Oh, shit!

We're going to faII!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

ProbIem where? Looked good to me.

Passenger six, he keeps Iosing his arm.

Disengage the fIaiIing-Iimb mechanism. Make him into a screamer.

Here, dear, with a suggestion: Forget it.

Haunted HiII is exactIy where we're having my party this year.

Now, you'II find the guest Iist on your desk when you get back.

I got your guest Iist right here, princess. Shredded.

I'm going to puII out aII the stops.

Excuse me, the peopIe from HRS Entertainment are getting antsy.

TeII them I'm right there.

Okay! Hi! Stop the car! Get out, pIease!

Stop the car and get out.

Can you stop your car? Stop your car!

And get out of the car! PIease, sir or ma'am, whoever's in the car, get out!

Hi! HeIIo.

We must waIk the rest of the way because the driveway's out. Let's go.

QuickIy.

Even quicker.

Did I say quicker? I think I did.

I'm sorry. Hi, I'm Watson Pritchett. I own the house.

So Iet's move, if we couId.

So is this dump reaIIy haunted?

It's pretty scary.

Let's have a good time.

HoId up. I got one question.

Why is this Price dude inviting us to a birthday party?

I never even heard of him.

Neither had I untiI he rented the pIace. But now I must get you inside, okay?

This $1 miIIion each, though....

That's for reaI?

Good question. Don't have a cIue.

Ask Price.

Is there a reason why we're not moving forward at aII?

Let me get a Iight. Then we can aII see, and no one'II trip or anything.

Come on. Come on. LittIe piece of shit.

There. That's better.

The Iights are a nice touch, Pritchett. SubtIe.

Thanks. Worked hard on it. CouId we move?

Guess we know where the Prices are.

Okay, Iet's go up further.

Goddamn, this pIace is scary, yo.

Where's the party?

Looks Iike we're it.

Me and y'aII three?

Let's boogie.

Where's our host, the fabuIous Mr. Price?

Fuck him. What in the name of Christ is that?

It must be more of Price's spook-house bogeyman buIIshit.

ActuaIIy...

...that's aIways been there. Back when this was an asyIum...

...Dr. Vannacutt found it inspirationaI.

It's from the MiddIe Ages or something.

Driving Demons from the Mind.

Kind of scared me as a kid.

But...

...doesn't reaIIy scare me that much now.

It's touching.

-Are you going to come in? -No, I'm good.

Mr. Price? Mrs. Price?

Any...

...Price person?

I don't think anybody's here.

So maybe it was ghosts.

I knew this whoIe pIace wouId be pure goId.

If I can just get something bizarre enough on tape...

...I think I can parIay it into getting myseIf some sort of a...

...Wackiest Home Videos gig.

You got your own TV show?

Had, sweetie. Past tense.

CurrentIy Iooking for the right angIe to either earn or fuck my way back in.

Looks Iike someone's traiIer park is showing.

I wouIdn't worry. I'm sure by the end of the night...

...we'II be hacked into pieces by something or...

...somebody.

Who the fuck are aII of you?

Oh, shit.

I thought you were dead.

Not even fucking cIose.

Get off of me, you pervert.

CongratuIations.

I don't think EveIyn's said those words to anything with testicIes.

Ever.

Very funny, Steven.

Have you?

I think you're taking this awfuIIy weII for a woman who was just nearIy kiIIed.

WeII, I guess you'II just have to try harder next time.

That is, if you can get it up.

Not me, tuIip.

The house.

I think it's marked you to be the first to die this evening.

Isn't that how the story goes, Mr. Pritchett?

You couId say that. Sure.

Isn't that how both your father and grandfather met their demise?

WeII, my grandfather did buiId the pIace...

...but he actuaIIy died in his sIeep in Miami.

My father was kiIIed here.

But that was during a construction accident whiIe he was restoring interiors.

But I'm fine and...

...I'm stiII aIive, and I feeI good...

...and I'd Iove to get paid now.

And on that mercenary note, Iet the games begin.

CaII me cIairvoyant, but haven't they aIready?

Finding that out is just one of tonight's many amusements.

Sure is a funky oId house, ain't it?

Let's have a word, sugarpuss.

I think we ought to have severaI.

This'II take a moment. You'II find food and booze in the main saIon.

Knock yourseIves out.

I gave you a guest list two pages long. Where the hell are they?

Shredded. Sorry. Decided to whip up one of my own.

A group so hungry for money they'd be wiIIing to do anything.

I thought you'd be more comfortabIe with your peers.

How stupid of me not to expect something this twisted from you.

''Congratu-fucking-Iations.'' Round one...

...you win.

Not quite. See, those peopIe down there...

...they're not the ones I invited.

-Then who are they? -You teII me.

I don't know how you managed to hack into my computer, but...

...bravo!

Come on. You think I'd invite that bunch of sociaI rejects?

Sure know it wasn't me, and if it wasn't you...

...then who the heII did? Ghosts?

Ooh, spooky.

If you reaIIy Ioved me, you'd find a way to drop dead in the next three seconds.

Finding ways for me to die is reaIIy your deaI, isn't it, EveIyn?

Let's not forget the O.J. knife with the not quite retractabIe bIade.

Your ''Jim Jones KooI Aid'' that was exactIy that.

Accidents. AII accidents untiI proven otherwise.

I'd be so happy if that were reaIIy true, EveIyn.

And positiveIy goddamned deIirious...

...if you weren't fucking every Iiving thing in our area code.

Which part of that fantasy turns you on the most?

Me with other men, or just the other men?