House of Lies

Previously, on House of Lies...

There's an 87% likelihood

that we're gonna sleep together, so... Ha!

To the blower-uppers.

Right now we're at five to one.

You guys did it. I love you.

We're the team from Galweather.

Other people do what you do

without leaving a swath of destruction.

Skip Galweather really wants me out of the business?

Let's push his ass out. What the hell are you doing?

Just leaving you a little present.

You ripped away

my name from me!

I'm gonna start my own shop.

What if I could deliver some

incriminating financial record? Absolutely.

Who the fuck let the Feds in on this thing

in the first place? I told her about the books.

I had a good thing going. We need to just

get through this transition, and then you should leave.

Marty, I'm pregnant.

You're having another kid.

You don't even acknowledge it.

I really want to stay.

That's not... I mean, no.

Who's gonna do all your work?

And ethically questionable flirting with clients?

I'm gonna miss you, too, Clyde.

Word on the street was that you

were looking for a new position.

The CFO position?

I'm going to offer it to you.

I took the job

at Davis/Dexter.

All I want...

Is what?

You.

Mine!

Mine.

Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

Mine, mine...

Mine...!

Mine.

Mine, motherfuckers.

All mine.

Oh, Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty, I have a grievance. Oh... great.

I really do. I can't wait to hear it.

Because you are gonna love this, okay?

I put in all the paperwork to Building Services. Go, keep talking.

And Clyde just took Jeannie's office!

And it's mine! Oh! It's mine!

Mine. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

All this shit is mine. Yeah.

For better or worse.

Wait. Marty, wait, hold on. What?

Don't listen to him. What?

Just pretend he's a bug. What?

He just stole it. He took it in an obvious coup d'état.

He's actually harassing me. An attack on me.

A coup d'état in an office?

You didn't see what I saw.

That's ridiculous!

We all know that Jeannie's office

is where your right-hand man...

Marty! Marty! Marty, that guy called again.

Who won't leave his name... he said that you're

a fucking idiot if you don't call... Oh, I'm a fucking idiot?

That's what he said. I wrote it down. Okay, well, tell him

he's a fucking idiot, and if he calls again, hang up on his ass.

Now, I'm gonna go in... But he's been calling every ten minutes.

I'm gonna go in my...

Stop. No. He's actually calling every five minutes now.

No...!

Shit.

I mean, how do I define myself?

I mean, what is me versus what is mine?

Do I define myself by... how I feel?

By my actions?

By the number of people who love me?

No, probably not that.

Or maybe I define myself by what I have.

Yeah. 'Cause if y'all ain't been payin' attention,

I got a fuck-ton of shit!

Yeah, let's go with that one.

I mean, that's healthy, right?

And...

Doug, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I'll hang up on him, but he's gonna call back.

That was... odd.

Um, wait, this isn't over.

I-I just have a couple more points. It is over.

"Couple more points"? I think...

Oh... and look where I naturally fall...

Marty's right-hand man. Now switch seats.

Oh, fantastic. That makes sense.

Get out of my seat, please.

Oh, fine. Now,

uh, Marty, do you mind if my mentee JR sits in

on this meeting? I'm not your mentee.

See that? We already have that typical mentor/mentee banter going on.

You know, like, "Don't embarrass me in front of Marty"

"or I'll get you fired." That kind of banter.

Because it's funny. It's funny stuff. Yeah.

Well, you are well aware of the fact that I assigned JR

to this consult, right?

Of course. I just think that without my mentors hip,

he may not necessarily be in the sanctum sanctorum.

Mm. You're talking about the conference room, right?

I think he means the conference room. Why don't you back off, thief.

I'm not a thief. Yes, you are.

And I don't see you helping struggling young associates

learn the ropes around here. I'm not struggling.

You mean I don't force myself on some young new hire

who can't tell you to fuck off?

He tells me to fuck off all the time!

Doug, shut the fuck up.

Thank you, Marty. Jesus Christ!

Uh, you can shut the fuck up, too.

Ooh... You know what?

Share the goddamn office. Yes! Thank you. No, no,

no, no, that's not happening. Oh, you're gonna share the goddamn office.

No, that can't happen! JR, you get their old office

all to yourself.

No Doug? No Doug.

Davis/Dexter. Let's go. Well, from what I understand,

your former business partner

and current co-parent

and newly appointed Davis/Dexter CFO Jeannie van der Hooven

has actually... Wait a second, van der Hooven?

Sounds Dutch, right? It is Dutch.

Oh, is it? And totally irrelevant.

What we want to know is:

Who is this Jeannie van der Hooven, all right? Right.

What does this CFO want? Sure. Okay, thinking out loud.

Let's know some facts. Well...

she had a kid out of wedlock, right? Write that down. How about this?

That's true. How about this?

She got her business partner sent to federal prison.

Hilarious. Well, okay, so she's mean

and slutty... let's write that down, JR. Write that down.

I actually heard she had a sex tape.

She does! Bing-bing-bing... Ooh, do you want to see it?

I'll show it to you right now.

These aren't quite the facts

I was talking about, you fucking idiots.

JR, please. Okay.

Well, she hasn't really given us an agenda,

which leads me to believe that she's fishing

for us to either arrive at her pre-bake,

or she wants us to give her some kind of point of view

that she hasn't yet conceived of.

So I go to Davis/Dexter. What are some assumptions

we can make about what they want?

Pulling from some B-school friends who work there,

I wouldn't say that the CEO Teddy Grammatico

was really looking for much in the way of change.

They've been pretty stick-in-the-mud since Grammatico took over.

Yeah, well, why would they change? The P-and-L's

are outstanding. Look.

Davis/Dexter is rolling in profits,

and they have a solid reputational standing

of coming out of the financial crisis without any major scars.

So why change, right? Nice.

That's what I'm talking about. Pound it. Just makes me nervous, right?

You know why.

I mean, what's her play?

What does she want from us?

Corporate Jeannie is fucking terrifying.

Yeah. And on top of that,

she knows all our "wittle" tricks. So...

Well...

I'm scared. Yeah.

Marty, I think you're gonna have to hold me.

Jesus, get away from me. Yeah. I'll just go to my new office,

'cause if I'm in their first, it's mine. No, that's not true!

That's not true! Shotgun! Shotgun! Yerp! Yerp!

White people, right?

Uh, yeah.

Hey, man. Drop a beat.

Bust a groove, man.

Huh? Yeah, let's make it hot.

Go.