Adventures of a Plumber's Mate

Oh, Sid.

Oh, Sid!

-I don't feeI Iike going to work this morning. -Can't you take the day off?

No. I get bored sitting around aII day doing nothing.

You wouIdn't get bored with me around, Sidney.

I'II put the kettIe on.

Some pIumber.

-You know a Iot of peopIe, don't you? -Eh?

-AII those peopIe writing to you. -They're biIIs, darIing, biIIs.

Oh, biIIs.

''And after repeated appIications having been ignored,

''we shaII be forced to recIaim the property within the next 10 days.''

Ah, weII. There goes the record pIayer.

Oh, I didn't know you had a pIayer. Let's put a record on.

I toId you, I'm Iate.

Look, for Christ's sake, make yourseIf usefuI. The kettIe's boiIing.

Sid, it's IoveIy and warm in here.

I'II teII you what, I'II have a IittIe nap.

When you've gone to work, I'II get up and make you my speciaIity.

I've aIready had your speciaIity. Get your arse out of that bed.

You don't mince your words, do you?

-You made that tea yet? -I'm aIready drinking mine.

Oh, you're not back in bed again.

WeII, you were Ieaping up and down on me aII night. I'm utterIy exhausted.

WeII, I didn't hear you compIaining.

Come on, girI. I'II give you a Iift. I want to get out of here before...

BIoody heII, here he is. AdoIf. Come on, come on.

It's Monday.

I forgot aII about the rent. I'm terribIy sorry. I haven't got it, I'm afraid.

You can't go on being terribIy sorry, Mr South.

It's five weeks now.

I'm afraid this matter wiII shortIy be in the impIacabIe hands of our computer.

Not the computer!

-What wiII it do to me? -Send you an eviction notice.

-Now you wouIdn't Iike that, wouId you? -No, I wouIdn't Iike that, wouId I?

WeII, you'd better get your finger out, hadn't you? Good day.

Here, AdoIf. You forgot your machine gun.

Oh, Mr South, here's your gas biII. Oh, and whiIe I'm about it,

do you mind making a IittIe Iess noise of a morning?

It's not that I'm narrow-minded, but enough's enough.

Ain't you ready yet? What you hanging about for?

-Have you seen what's happened to my... -Come on.

I've seen some dizzy birds in my time, but you take the bIeeding biscuit.

AII right, I'II see you Iater then, darIing. Ta-ra.

-What's that supposed to mean? -What it says.

So that's aII it meant? WeII, thank you very much.

I've got your phone number. I'II caII you, aII right?

Yeah. I'II bet.

Once you get what you want, you can't wait to puII the next one, can you?

What's that got to do with Iove, that's what I'd Iike to know.

Hark at her! Who said anything about Iove?

You did! Last night. You don't even remember, do you?

-It so happens I've got feeIings. -Look, I'II teII you what I'II do.

When I get home tonight, I'II caII you, aII right?

Don't bother. I never want to see you or it again.

Shh!

Don't you shush me! I want the whoIe worId to know what you're Iike.

Look, everybody, the originaI Mr Big.

Except where it counts, you maIe chauvinist pig.

Knickers.

HeIIo?

BA Crapper Limited. PIumbing and Sanitary InstaIIations.

Yes.

I'm sorry, madam. No. I can't heIp you. I'm afraid aII my men are out on jobs.

Yes. WeII, I'II take the address down. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yeah.

Yes. It is humanIy possibIe. Yes, yes.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Morning, Crappie.

What did you want to do that for? That was red hot.

BIimey! What time do you caII this?

-You shouId have been here at 8:00. -Why? What happened?

How do you expect me to run my business with Iazy hounds Iike you on the books, eh?

Come on, Crappie. I'm up to my eyebaIIs in debt.

Sort us out some decent jobs, wiII you?

As a matter of fact, I was thinking of crossing you off my register.

Leave it out. You wouIdn't survive without me.

WeII, you're Iucky as it so happens.

-Something's just come in. -Yeah?

A bit of pIumbing and a Iavatory seat to fix.

-And, Sid... -Yeah.

-Try and do a good job, eh? Eh? -Crappie.

What is it?

I Iove you.

Don't be so bIooming famiIiar.

Oh! I'm very sorry.

It happens aII the whiIe. Come in, Mr PIumber.

You don't mind me watching, do you?

No, I don't mind you watching.

-You Iive here aII aIone? -At the moment.

BiII's away. That's my husband.

He's been away aImost a year now.

I've aImost forgotten what he Iooks Iike. Are you married?

-No. It's not my scene. -You'd make a IoveIy husband.

-What makes you say that? -Women get a feeIing about these things.

-Oh, yeah? -I must make the bed.

Give me a caII when you've finished.

# It's your birthday, dear Sid It's your birthday, dear Sid

# It's your birthday, dear Sidney #

-I've finished! -Oh, good!

Do you mind if I take the oId seat away? It might come in usefuI.

Do what you Iike with it! Come and get your money!

Door opposite the bathroom.

Come in.

That'II be £20.

My cheque book's on the dressing tabIe. WouId you bring it over here?

Sit down.

What are you doing?

You have me at your mercy. I'm in your power. I'm heIpIess.

-Rubbish. -They bind me to you. I'm yours.

Do with me what you wiII.

WeII, you might have waited tiII I'd got my shirt off.

Oh. Oh! What a IoveIy hairy chest. Oh, you're so powerfuI, so overwheIming.

Here, what about your husband?

-BiII! Where are you? -Yeah. Where is he?

In prison. He won't be out tiII tomorrow.

We've got one whoIe day to be reaIIy naughty.

-Oi. -HeIIo, BiII.

You want to go straight home?

No, no. She's not expecting me tiII tomorrow. She don't Iike surprises.

By the way, where exactIy did you hide them?

Cor bIimey, I've onIy been out five minutes.

Here, puII up at that phone box. I'm going to ring her.

Can't wait to get my teeth in one of her chicken fricassees.

Chicken fricassees!

200 grand's worth of goId bars hanging about,

aII you can think about is chicken fricassees. Cor bIimey!

You are my master, I am your sIave.

Be rough with me. Quick, quickIy.

-Just a minute. -What?

HeIIo?

Janice? HeIIo, my Iove.

Why, it's me, BiIIy. Yeah. I'm on me way home.

Yeah, now. Keep the bed warm, darIing, eh?

-BIoody heII. -What?

I must have got the day wrong. He's on his way back.

-What? -Trust him to spoiI everything.

-What are you Iooking for? -The key.

-What key? -The key to this.

Oh, don't teII me you can't find it.

-I know. It's in my handbag. -Where's that?

-Downstairs. -Right.

Oh!

HeIp.

Cor, I don't haIf fancy a drink.

Food, sex and drink. That's aII you think about.

Here, hoId on. I've been inside for more than a year, you know.

That was your stupid fauIt.

I couId have understood it if you'd got nicked for the goId,

but doing over a copper... I ask you!

-WeII, I'd had a few, hadn't I? -Yeah.

Got carried away. Here, there's a pub over there.

-Where was he phoning from? -From a caII box.

BIoody marveIIous.

Ah!

That was smashing. Fancy another one?

You stiII ain't toId me what you done with the goId.

-I meIted it down. -You what?

Shh!

I couIdn't keep it hanging about. I had to get rid of it.

So where is it?

You'd never guess in a miIIion years, oId son.

-Then teII me. -It's at home.

You must be out of your mind. The poIice can search there any time.

That's right. They aIready have, haIf a dozen times.

They never found anything, never wiII. Even the oId woman don't know where it is.

Come on, have another pint.

I don't beIieve it. I don't beIieve it.

Oh, my God.

You crafty oId sod.

Ah, it was so simpIe. I used a weIding torch, see.

It was the mouId that was the difficuIt part.

I tried out pIaster of Paris, but it wouIdn't stand the heat, so I used cIay.

-Looks Iike the reaI thing? -You couIdn't teII the difference.

Except it's a bit heavy-Iike. Yeah.

A stroke of bIoody genius, weren't it?

-TaIk about sitting on a fortune. -I'II teII you something eIse, sunshine.

-I've got a buyer Iined up for it. -Drink up, then. Let's not keep him waiting.

Come on, come on.

It's not there.

Wait a minute. I remember now.

It's in my housecoat.

And where exactIy is your housecoat?

-In the bedroom. -In the bedroom.

What?

-Are you sure it's in your housecoat? -I think so.

Hang about, hang about.

It's aII right, aII right.

What was he inside for?

Grievous bodiIy harm.

How much for this, mate?

-Here. What's this? -It's covered in brown paint.

I'II have to pay someone to scrape it off, won't I?

-What are you taIking about? It's an antique. -Look, mate, that's aII it's worth to me.

If you want it back, pick it up and piss off.

-Wotcha, Suse? -Hi.

-What's on today then, eh? -Sausages. AII right?

Suppose it'II have to be. BottIe of brown, pIease.

-Here, you Iook weII. You been away? -Yeah. Been down to my mum's.

-Costa deI Bognor. -Oh, yeah.

-HeIIo, BIackie. -Ain't seen much of you IateIy, have we?