Tidy Tims (Tidy Tim's)

Hi, boys.

Come on in.

Hey, daddy. You look so good.

We're gonna sell a record number of cars today, Timmy.

- You think so? - I know so.

That little voice in my head tell me so.

You been calling that psychic network again, pops?

Come on, Duke.

Hey, Floyd.

Your old man runs off every time I come by.

I'm beginning to think he doesn't like me.

It's not you, Floyd, yeah. It's...

- the mail. - Well, okay. See you later, Tidy.

See you later, Floyd.

Oh, boy.

- Ralph. - Oh, fish sticks!

- Put a new battery in the Chevy. - We're out of batteries.

Then throw the battery charger on it.

Charger stopped working last week.

Damn, I think I need a new battery charger myself.

Come on, Duke.

Come on.

Good morning, George. Good morning, Daddy.

Good morning, Willy. Good morning, Daddy.

Good morning, Molly. Good morning, Daddy.

- Hey, how's it going there, pal? - Hello.

She's a beauty, huh? 1963 Ford Falcon, a classic.

Does, she have a radio?

Well, right this way.

Not only a working AM radio, but a fully functional 8-track.

Then I can listen to my Arnelly Barbara opera tape?

Oh, Arnella Barbara opera.

Yeah, you can listen to that 8-track in there.

- How much? - Well...

How much you got?

You, uh... care to start her up?

Hop in, pal.

You're gonna love the ride.

All right. Let's head to the front of the car here.

All right, this fender is good.

Let's lift this hood, right. Take a...

It looks like it's a brand new car.

Let me show you the paper work.

"Final warning.

You have 30 days to make your six month overdue mortgage payment of $8,550

plus late fees or face foreclosure.

Call loan ranger at 1-800-666-9999 as soon as possible."

Yeah, right.

Ho, ho, ho. What can I sell you today, my man?

Yo, I'll give you five dollars for this Indian dog.

No, no, no. That won't even pay for his pipe.

- How about 25? - Dude, all I got is 6.25, man.

I wants to give this Indian to my Auntie.

My Auntie's Indian herself, my Auntie is.

She just got a backside lobotomy and thinks she's like from England or something.

That's why she talks all British and stuff, you know?

Oh, uh... I didn't just say that.

- Uh, that's between us, all right? - You don't say?

Well, I tell you, given that fact, how about 20?

Oh, tell you what, give me the 6.25 now

and I'll give you a receipt and you can pay me later on in the week.

Really? Shit! Run 'em back, man. Run 'em back.

Thanks. Thanks, man. You all right, man.

Well, thank you. What's your name, son?

- My name is Brave Coolwater. - Brave Coolwater.

Yeah, of the Wampuntang Tribe, man.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

6.25, Big Tim.

You just ask for Big Tim.

Tell them to look at the receipt and pay of the rest and we'll give it to you, okay?

- There you go. - All right. Thank you.

Our match is even. Thanks, man. You saved me, bro.

- Oh, no problem. - Thank you.

All right. Don't drop it on the way out.

Tidy Tim's Classics.

I'm looking for a Jaguar or... or a Bentley.

Well, we ain't got any Jags or Bentleys on the lot right now, lady.

But, I can put you in a beautiful 1965 Cadillac

once owned by a retired opera singer with one leg.

- Not a scratch or dent on it. - No, no.

I'm not looking for a crappy American car.

Oh, oh. You don't like American cars.

Do you at least have a Rolls?

No, no. I don't have a Rolls on the lot right now.

- But maybe I can... - Stop that! You idiot!

What are you doing down there? Oh!

Now, lady, you don't have to call me that.

Imbecile, moron, fool, idiot! You don't even know what you're doing!

Well, you can stick it where the Sun don't shine if you follow my meaning.

What? What?

Ex...

What the hell?

People ain't got no manners anymore.

- Here's your contract. - Thank you.

- Good doing business with you. - Yes. You too.

Thank you so much. I love the Falcon with the 8-track.

Top of the day to you, Mr. O'Hara.

Oh, same to you my dear.

Well, it's that time of year again, Mr. O'Hara.

Yes, but unfortunately I don't think I'm going to be able to make my usual contribution.

At least not right now.

Oh, but you've usually given a thousand dollars. Have for the past 22 years.

Oh, the money's sorely needed this year with the rise in the homeless population.

And we take in abused animals too.

Now, see. Here's a picture of our rescued turtle named Spike.

Yes.

- Fine looking animal. - Yes.

Tell you what, I'll give you 500 now

and 500 more when business picks up.

Oh, God bless you, Mr. O'Hara.

H.C.A, is that what it's made out to?

Yes, it is.

All right.

- There you are. - Oh, God bless you, Mr. O'Hara.

I'll keep you in my prayers just like I do your Aunt Mattie...

the sweetest, most generous person in the whole world.

Aye, that she was.

Oh, well, I best be getting back to the Lord's work.

God bless you, Mr. O'Hara.

God bless you and Merry Christmas.

Dear God, at least let me sell one car today, so that check don't bounce.

Hey, pops.

- Here you go. - Good job, Timmy.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

And as they make their way into the top of the stretch

it's Galloping Galapagos on the inside with Hi Ho Silver chasing closely on the outside.

And down the stretch they come.

Come on, Hi Ho Silver, hold on, baby. Hold on.

And in the center of the track comes long shot Loose Stool

Hi Ho Silver has the lead and Loose Stool is closing...

Hang on, hang on, hang on!

It's Hi Ho Silver and Loose Stool.

At the wire, it's too close to call.

- Here's your dinner, pops. - Oh, thanks, son.

- Try to enjoy it. - I'm pretty hungry.

Uh-huh.

Pops, pops. The doctor said you need to stop smoking those cigars.

It's one of the last pleasures I have, son.

Well, just try to enjoy your steak, okay?

Damn thing tastes like rubber. I haven't had a decent meal since your momma passed.

Did I ever tell you about her chicken 'n' dumplings?

Yeah, a million times. I ate them too, pops.

- Where you going? - Oh, over to Ralphs.

I'm going to play some poker tonight.

Good luck.

Okay, I'll catch you later pops, okay.

Oh, oh and here we go.

The photo finish has just come in and it was 99-1 shot Loose Stool

who won by a head with Hi Ho Silver in second place.

Shit!

All right, you pussycat lovers, D.J. Fattie's in the house.

These ladies like one thing and one thing only, the almighty dollar.

So, let's break open those wallets and make it rain in here.

Hey, hey Tidy. You got any one's? I'm all out.

Okay, baby. There's your target.

Go to work on him.

Peek-a-boo.

Hi, sexy.

What's your name?

Uh, uh... I'm Timmy...

but you can call me Tidy.

- You're new here. - Yes.

Just in from Miami.

I'm Mimi.

Mimi from Miami.

But you can call me bombshell.

Hey, bombshell.

Oh, yeah.

I like your mustache.

Oh, hey. Thank you.

- And your sideburns too. - Yeah, like Elvis.

So sexy.

So, Tidy,

- you want to go for a lap dance? - Uh, huh.

Follow me.

It's like we're walking down the aisle together.

Thank you.

There's nothing sexier than an ass full of cash.

How much you haul in tonight, baby?

$2,500.

How much of it came from our resident fool in the plaid jacket?

All but a crusty 20 I got from D.T.

I thought that old fart was dead.

Not yet.

He's says as long as he has one good nut still working

he wants to take me on a Caribbean cruise.

- But, Tidy, he's the real catch. - Oh, think so?

Oh, I know so. One lap dance and he spilled his guts.

His daddy owns the vacant lot next door

and the car lot across the street, which is barely running.

Didn't you say that the Pussycat is looking to expand?

And there it was, right next to us.

We'll take over.

Buy the old man out, get the weedy lot and his used car lot

and that, that'll give us all the space we need for the Pussycat 2,

the mini-arcade and extra parking.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. What a coop!

Oh, my boss, he'll be so happy, he'll make me manager of his Vegas spot.

And what will you do to make me happy?

Well, I'll take you with me.