Dog with a Blog

- Are you ready? - Are you ready?

Are you ready?

The Disney Channel premiere of Dog With A Blog starts now!

I know I invited you over to study, but...

I think we both know the test was yesterday.

Isn't the test tomorrow?

Shh.

Stan: This is Tyler James.

Now that is the face of a smooth player.

Well, not that face.

Oh, yeah, there's the sugar!

Whoa. What is going on here?

I have the family room from 3:00 to 6:00,

as per the sign up sheet I posted, so get...

Avery Jennings.

Tyler's stepsister.

Uh, kind of a psycho about rules.

She even has a rule about not interrupting her,

so let's keep it moving.

...out of here, or I'm gonna tell everyone you're wearing a wig.

I'm not wearing a wig.

Ow! I told you, it's not a wig!

I know, but that hurt, right?

Would you just get out of here?

This is my house. You and your mom have only been here for, like, a year.

Eleven months, fourteen days, six hours, ten minutes,

three seconds, four seconds, five seconds...

Ooh, numbers.

Like I told my algebra teacher,

A plus B equals "why should I care?"

Do you think that will be on the test tomorrow?

Okay, you two continue this high-level exchange of ideas...

and I'll get the room on Tuesday.

Tuesday? No way.

The cheerleaders are coming over to audition for my show.

Do you know how hard it was to convince them that

I'm directing a new play called Homeschool Musical?

Do that again! I heard the ocean!

Was it really that hard to convince them?

What are you doing next Tuesday that's so important anyway?

My student tolerance club has a very important meeting.

We're planning a rally in support of the pale kid who smells like pizza dough.

Sounds like a storm!

Look, my meeting is happening.

It's the first time I'll get to have friends over

since my mom married your dad and ruined my life.

Your life is ruined? Since you moved in,

there are sign up sheets everywhere.

There's a sign up sheet in the bathroom. Who can time that?

Every day at 8:00 and 4:30. What is so difficult?

I know you said be patient and eventually we'd come together as a real family,

but those two will not stop going at it!

Enough is enough. I'm gonna go in there and set them straight.

- They need to know-- - Shh!

Are you fond of that finger?

Honey, we have been over this.

Intervening at this point would not be a good idea.

Both: Siblings must develop their own tools for conflict resolution.

It's all here in The Foremost Guide To Parenting,

written by a man referred to as the brightest mind in child psychology.

Daddy! Daddy!

That's Chloe.

They say psychologists' kids are messed up,

but she's doing okay.

There's a monster chasing me!

I said "okay," not "great."

Um, Chloe, sweetie, listen...

There is something very important that I need you to understand.

And now she's not worried about the monsters.

As for those two,

I have a plan that will be equally effective.

Kids, I have a surprise for you.

His name is Stan.

He's a rescue from the shelter.

Hey, look, it's me!

I'm the dog!

There's the sugar!

Thank you, thank you! I've always wanted a dog!

Mom would never let me get one.

I didn't say "never."

I said "never-wever" because you were three and it took the edge off.

You know I'm a cat person.

Ellen Jennings.

I think we all know whose slippers I'll be eating first.

Oh, this is such an awesome surprise!

Yeah. ( Chuckles ) It's a surprise for all of us!

Look, you wouldn't be so surprised

if you just read chapter nine in my book.

Honey, nobody's gotten to chapter nine in your book.

Watch the genius of this.

Now, kids, this dog is for all of you.

So you guys are gonna have to work together to take care of him,

or you can't keep him.

Bennett James.

A little full of himself.

Sniffed his butt, not impressed.

I guess a dog could be kind of fun.

Fetch.

Yeah, it's cute until she chases a car.

And that's the story of how...

the kids found out I could talk.

No, wait. I didn't get to that part of my blog yet.

I'll do that after my new product review.

Huh, smells like rubber, tastes like rubber...

Whoa, it squeaks!

I did not see that coming!

Why are you sitting in my chair?

Where's my sandwich?

There was a turkey sandwich right here on this plate,

and now it's gone.

You ate it, didn't you?

You sandwich-eating, slipper-stealing,

- dirty, rotten-- - Mom.

What? No. What?

Are you talking to the dog?

Look, I don't like him, and he knows that.

And he's stealing from me. He ate my sandwich.

And there's five dollars missing from my purse.

Is that a new collar? Where'd he get that collar?

It's the same collar he's always had.

Okay, okay. Maybe I overreacted.

You think you can get the best of me?

I have thumbs.

Don't worry about her, Stan.

Who's my boy? Who's my boy?

I'm your boy! I'm your boy!

What am I gonna do, Stan? My meeting is tonight.

And Tyler's still having his cheerleaders over.

Oh, please be getting dog food! Please be getting dog food!

Yes!

I've had nothing to eat since that turkey sandwich I had yesterday--

or a few minutes ago.

I have no concept of time.

If I cancel, the Student Tolerance Club will hate me.

Don't let the name fool you. Those kids are vicious!

Well, I wish I could just ask for the food,

but me talking, no, no, that doesn't always go so well.

Don't take me away! I'm not crazy!

My dog can really talk!

Dog, say something!

Oh, tell them that joke you told me!

Sorry, I had a mouthful of peanut butter!

Somehow I always end up back at the shelter.

But I want this time to be different.

I-I wanna be a full member of the family.

I'll tell them everything. Everything!

When I know I can trust them.

You know, I'm really glad you're here, Stan.

I finally have somebody in the family I can actually talk to.

Aw, you're a good kid.

Now be a great kid and hit me with some kibble, huh?

Okay, Avery, I worked out a compromise for tonight.

I get to have my cheerleaders over,

and you get to hear what fun sound like from behind your closed bedroom door.

You're welcome.

You just ate dog food. You're welcome.

( Laughs )

Oh, the bacon-flavor spray. I love the bacon-flavor spray!

All right, hold it together, man.

Don't talk. Just keep it cool, baby.

Look, I get the family room. It's in the house rules.

And I should know, I wrote them.

And if you have a problem with that, you can take it up

with the chairman of the house rules committee--

right here.

Give me the stinking food! I'm drooling a pool over here!

Did he just... talk?

Think fast and cover quickly.

Uh, no. I mean, woof.

He did it again!

No, I didn't. I said "woof."

Really? Still processing?

What kind of a dog says "processing"?

What kind of a dog says anything?

How can you talk?

Ah, it's a freak thing.

It's like a fifth paw or a-- or a ninth nipple.

I was born this way. Hold on a sec.

Something really important I gotta do.

Sorry.

Where was I? Oh, right.

I was blowing your minds.

I wasn't gonna tell you yet,

'cause it always messes things up.

We're gonna find out what makes you talk,

and I'm gonna become rich.

Help! Help!

Hey, wait a minute. I'm still a dog.

Oh, and I'm taking your French poodle with me.

We have kind of a thing going.

Pantene, put on your little sweater and meet me at the doggie door!

Don't worry, buddy. We'd never let anyone do science experiments on you.

I love you.

And I hate science.

I can't believe it. I've been waiting my whole life for this.

I'm finally part of a family.

No, but we just can't let mom and dad find out.

I mean, dad would write a book about it,

mom would freak, and dad would write a book about mom freaking.

There'd be freaking books everywhere!