Animal Practice

So he should take this with every meal, or else--

I need to see Dr. Coleman.

Ma'am, do you like those pearls not choking you?

Now, if so, you need to wait your turn.

Perhaps you'd prefer if they were choking you.

Rizzo. Rizzo!

What is wrong with you? I haven't seen you like thi--

Oh, no.

Now, tell Dr. Coleman that Virginia is here to see him.

- I'm his-- - Mother.

Well, George, just look at this place.

It's almost like a real hospital.

How long do you have to do this

before they let you work on humans?

In the future, please make an appointment.

There were animals ahead of you.

Oh, please. So some schnauzer

got to enjoy his testicles an extra half an hour.

What's the big deal?

When did you get a cat, anyway?

Five years ago.

It was a birthday gift to myself.

Someone had to give me something.

Anyway, if we saw each other more than one day a year,

we might be able to talk about things,

like...pets.

We could also talk about ways I could kill myself.

- Don't you have a regular vet? - Of course I do.

But, you know, he made a pass at me.

Normally I'd be flattered by that kind of thing,

but really, who wants to date someone

who spends half their life

with his finger up a dog's keister?

Speaking of which, are you seeing anybody?

Just my therapist.

So how does Cat look?

You named your cat "Cat"?

All right. How creative.

I guess I should be happy my name's not "Baby."

It was until your father butted in.

"The boy has to have a name, Virginia."

Really, he could be impossible.

Well, like me, Cat has discharge

coming from his ears.

But with him, it's probably from an infection.

I will run some tests.

Well, if you need a second opinion, ask the Asian.

They're very good with tests.

It's fun having an office together, right?

Totally.

I am getting my own, though, right?

Yeah. As soon as one comes up.

I really want you to be happy here, Jill.

It's a fun environment.

I'd like to say we put the "ha" in "hospital."

Ah, case in point-- it's free lunch Friday.

The winner gets to pick the restaurant.

Come on, Arby's!

Oh, man, red lobster again?

That's Mr. Wesley. He's on the board.

Oh, my God, I wonder what he's doing here

okay, how do I look?

You are asking the wrong girl.

Right now, I'm wearing a pair of boxers

that some guy left at my place last night.

I thought you gave up anonymous sex.

If I do that, the Craigslist killer wins.

Okay. Okay. I'll be back.

Hey. Whoa.

You look like a Paul Giamatti movie, man.

You been here all night?

Yeah, Doug. While you were at home

watching The Biggest Loser,

I was investigating mysterious pigeon deaths.

Eight pigeons in one week.

You know there's, like,

a billion pigeons in New York, right?

I mean, chances are way more than eight

of them died last week.

- Look at this. - Okay. Oh.

Each one of these pushpins represents a living pigeon.

Oh, so that's where all the pushpins in the world went.

Look at the Plaza on 59th street.

- Yeah, what about it? - No pigeons.

So what? What are you getting at, yams?

Somebody is poisoning these pigeons,

and I'm gonna stop them.

Are you in, or are you out?

Definitely out. Yeah.

I recommend that you be out too.

You're turning your back on pigeons, huh?

Well, you disgust me!

If my mouth wasn't so dry, I'd spit right in your face.

What? Why?

Yams...What--

Wow.

Yamamoto is like Yamamoto squared today.

Mm-hmm. You didn't hear it from me,

but I overheard him on the phone this morning.

His wife kicked him out.

- No. What? Really? - Yeah.

Mr. Wesley, please, come in.

Have a seat... In my chair.

Ms. Crane, in your short tenure here,

this hospital has become slack.

Productivity is low.

Your break room resembles a Charles e. Cheese.

Well, I like to think that we put the "ha" in "hospital."

That makes no sense. Hospital is spelled with an "O."

We wish you were more like your grandmother.

She ruled with an iron fist and an acid tongue.

Woe be the nurse who disobeyed her fearsome command,

I can tell you.

I know that I may run things a little differently,

but I can assure you it is just as professional.

Rizzo, give me my claw.

You already ate my cheesy biscuits.

Rizzo!

It free lunch Friday, so...

It's wacky.

So that's his mother.

I always assumed he was grown in a lab.

Mother? George, we dated for two and a half years.

You told me your mother was dead.

Dead, Upper East Side, same thing.

Why would you do something like that?

I was protecting you. She senses weakness.

Like a vulture swooping down on a sickly wildebeest,

my mother would pick you apart piece by piece.

Okay, cool. She's dead.

George, you think your mother is bad?

Mine had me doing beauty pageants at age four.

My mother took me out of a school I loved

because the principal had, "gypsy eyes."

My mother slept with my principal, and we had to move.

My mother said the reason my father left us

is because I was too clingy.

My mother once took me to a dump,

let me play in a busted refrigerator with a dead mouse,

- and told me it was Disneyland. - Seriously?

No, I just got caught up in the moment.

Either way, I just got to fix her cat,

find her a new vet, and get her back out of my life.

Hey, I got the blood work back on your mother's cat.

Well, look who'some for a visit.

Come in quickly--you're letting in the stench of ethnic food.

No one likes the smell of your pierogies, Mrs. Kazanski!

I see you're still chairman of the welcoming committee.

Fix me a drink, would you?

You remember how I like it, don't you?

Straight vodka in a tea cup? Yeah.

I think I can figure that out.

Listen, I'm here about Cat.

How is he? He's all right, isn't he?

He has a brain tumor, and it's malignant.

I'm sorry. The prognosis is not good.

He's all I have.

If something happens to Cat,

who'll keep me company during my baths?

Let's move on to chapter five, George.

And remember, Trop of Cancer needs

to be read with emotion.

Of course, if Cat does pass away,

I'll need you, George.

I'll need you more than ever.

You know what? Sometimes miracles happen.

I'll see what I can do.

If you have any trouble, ask the Asian.

George...

Oh, Virginia,

I thought I heard you out here.

How's my little kitty cat?

Well, my son took a look at him.

It's like your veterinarian said--

he's probably gonna die. I'll let you know.

You were so kind to volunteer

to take him for a second opinion.

- Ugh. - Okay, we'll talk later.

People...

We, here at Crane Hospital

have saved many an animal--

the albino mountain gorilla, the endangered snow leopard,

the freshwater dolphin.

But today comes the most important case

of our collective careers...

My mother's cat.

All: Aw. - No, no, no.

It's not an "aw" moment. I want her out of my life.

And the only way to do that is to save this cat,

for if it dies, I will be sucked in

to fill the lonely void in her pathetic life.

And there aren't enough vodka-filled tea cups

on the Chinese-Russian border to make that bearable.

George, she's bad, but she can't be that bad.

- Well, she's mean. - Well, you're mean.

Well, I'm fun mean. She's mean mean.

So let's go. All hands on deck.

You know you're never gonna win that staring contest, right?

George, what was my grandmother like as a boss?

She was the best.