Delivery Man

In many ways, they'll miss the good old days

Someday, someday

Yeah, it hurts to say But I want you to stay

Sometimes, sometimes

Oh, my ex says I'm lacking in depth

I will do my best

You say you wanna stay by my side

Darlin', your head's not right

See, alone we stand Together we fall apart

Yeah, I think I'll be all right

- Hey, David. - Hey, Joey.

Your brother's looking for you.

- Hey. - Hey, David.

Where the hell were you?

- Did you take the truck home again? - Yeah.

Pop asked you not to use the meat truck for personal purposes.

- Hi, Mom. - But you did it anyway?

Uh-huh.

- Do you have the jerseys for tonight? - Yes.

No, no, no, seriously. Do you have the jerseys for tonight?

- Yes. Yes, sweetheart, yes. - Aleksy, hang up.

Yeah, sweetheart.

I should never have gotten this woman pregnant.

Do not procreate, David.

Reproduction is a very bad idea. Do not reproduce, ever.

Hey, I'm sorry.

To pay back some money that I owe,

I've built a little hydroponic greenhouse in my apartment.

You're... You're growing pot?

And you're the only person I know with a green thumb.

- And you want me to grow pot? - Yeah.

Right. Absolutely.

That is the one thing missing for me right now to achieve total happiness.

Getting into a drug ring.

Because the pressure of my wife calling me every three minutes

because she's about to give birth to my first child isn't intense enough.

How much do you owe?

- Eighty. - "Eighty"?

- Eighty thousand. - Eighty thousand?

When you say it with that face, it does make it seem like a lot.

How do you get yourself into these situations, David?

$80,000?

What happened? How do you owe someone $80,000?

I borrowed money to invest in Newtech.

- That is a pyramid scheme. - It is not a pyramid scheme.

- The guy was arrested! - Those charges were unrelated!

- He was arrested! - David.

You know, David, I love you like a son.

I am your son.

Which is why I love you like a son.

But if you don't have our new jerseys for tonight's game...

I have the jerseys.

You gotta have the jerseys. It's the team picture.

I have the jerseys.

He won't have the jerseys.

Come on, come on.

Your loan has been denied.

But if I don't get the $80,000,

there's people that are gonna come and drown me.

Can you please put that down on your little form,

that there's people that are gonna come drown me?

You do not have the necessary collateral.

That is why we're not gonna give you any money.

Basically, then, you're just a big goddamn pawn shop.

No, we're not a pawn shop.

You're a pawn shop with fancy furniture.

And for all these reasons, I have to turn down your application.

I'm very sorry.

All right. I understand.

This is a hold-up.

Excuse me?

I said, "All right. I understand."

This is a hold-up, asshole.

- Excuse me, you just said something. - No.

- Just then, you said something. - No.

I'm here. I'm David Wozniak. I'm here to pick up my jerseys.

- I've been waiting for you. - I know! I know!

I'm so sorry, but my team photo is tonight.

The whole team has to have their jerseys,

it's for the whole year.

- All right already! - Thank you so much.

I really do appreciate it.

Yes!

- A bag? - No.

Rolling papers?

I grow tomatoes.

Hey! It's a delivery truck! I'm making a delivery.

You're kidding me, right?

Yes. I swear I have the jerseys, on our mother's...

Yes! On our mother's grave.

The jerseys are with me in the truck as we speak.

Hey! Come on, stop! Hey! Hey!

You got my jerseys!

- I know it's late. - Yes, it is.

But you brought me such beautiful flowers.

I did.

And Mr. Bernstein takes such great care of them.

Where have you been, David?

Emma, I'm sorry.

I was trying to pay back some money that I owe.

I understand, but why can't you call or text?

And why can't I come to your apartment anymore?

I never said you couldn't come to my place.

- Are you hiding something? - Nothing.

You're sure you're not hiding anything in your apartment.

Nope.

I'm pregnant.

That's great.

Yeah.

- Emma... - No.

You know what? I can...

I can do this on my own.

What do you mean, "on your own"?

I want a child, okay?

But I don't want a father

who just disappears because he gets too busy.

You're unreliable.

I mean, you've got... You've got money problems.

You basically don't have a life. This is not a life.

- I have a life. - You don't have a life.

People who have a life do not ring pregnant women's doorbells

at 3:00 in the morning.

I didn't know you were pregnant.

David, you would know.

If you just called me every once in a while.

I guess...

I guess at first, for a second there, I was in shock.

I mean, you know, it was a shock.

But then, you know, the...

That feeling of fear went away, and I got this feeling

that this could be the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me.

Stevie, no. Hey, Stevie, no!

Hey, it's 3:00 in the morning. Go back to bed. Go back to bed.

Back to bed. Not in the sandbox.

Hey, where are you going? No, don't go in the sandbox.

Not in the sandbox!

You gotta talk Emma into getting an abortion.

- What? - You have to.

How could you say such a thing?

How can you say stuff like that in front of your children?

My children know that they're too old to be aborted.

I'm realizing that I might want a kid.

You are a free man. You do not want kids.

Kids are a black hole.

They will suck up all of your energy, your money, your time, your hair.

Remember when I had great hair?

I can't get it up anymore.

How can you talk like this in front of your children?

I can say anything I want in front of my children

because they don't listen to me.

My children do not pick up on the frequencies of my voice.

And I'm telling you,

I have a problem achieving a full erection now.

It's not normal for a man of my age to no longer have a nice, big erection.

Hey, what are you doing? Listen to me, go back to bed.

Not in the sandbox.

Don't get in the sand. Don't go in the sand!

- As your friend... Daddy?

No. No, no, no. Hey.

- Dad. - Back to bed, honey.

Daddy.

I'm trying to have a conversation. Please stop that.

- Daddy! - Okay, stop that now.

I'm telling you, I think I might want a kid.

As your friend and as your lawyer, David, may I be brutally frank with you?

Sure.

You don't have the skills to bring up a child.

I need order in my life.

And this is order?

I think this is beautiful.

Daddy!

David Wozniak.

Uh, the back door was already broken into.

My name is Mark Williams. I'm an attorney.

I've been trying to contact you for several days now, Mr. Wozniak.

I do not have a great deal of time.

I shall be brief.

Between 1991 and 1994,

you donated sperm under the pseudonym "Starbuck"

at the privately-owned Graboski-Levitt Clinic,

which I represent.

No.

That was not a question, it was a statement.

We have all the documents necessary to prove it.

Over the course of 33 months, you were a very, very frequent donor.

You donated 693 times

in exchange for which you received the sum of $24,255.

Your sperm is of a very high quality.

Oh, thank you.

I'm sure your sperm is also high-end.

Uh...

Certain complications arose, which meant that for a period,

Mr. Graboski-Levitt gave your sperm

to all the women in his clientele.

You have sired 533 children

and 142 of them wish to know your identity.

What?

You are the biological father of 533 children.

At the time of each of your multiple donations,

you signed a confidentiality agreement.