Desperate Housewives

Previously on...

Ladies.

Renee was charmed by the new neighbor.

Dibs.

Trying to protect Gaby, Carlos committed murder.

We are never gonna be able to tell anybody about this.

Are you gonna be able to live with that?

And the women swore to keep the secret.

But then Bree received a warning.

When I was alive,

Bree Van De Kamp was one of my closest friends.

Maybe that's because we had so much in common.

Like Bree, I also received a menacing letter...

One that threatened to shatter the perfect life

I had worked so hard to create.

You see, I had once committed a desperate act of my own.

And despite my best efforts to conceal it,

someone found out and was determined to expose me.

I thought about telling my friends.

But I decided not to burden them.

I had hoped that with one final act,

I could consign my deeds to history.

But I had forgotten that history...

has a way of repeating itself.

Something interesting?

No. No, just a... letter...

from a friend who I haven't, uh, heard from in a while.

You okay?

I'm fine.

I'm just annoyed

because the, uh, postman left me Gaby's water bill again.

You go in. I'll just put it back in the box.

All right.

Oh, Karen.

You scared me. What are you doing out so late?

What am I, a cat? I'm allowed to be out past 10:00.

I'm sorry. Have you seen anyone near my mailbox?

What's the problem?

I just... got a letter.

An obscene letter.

That's all?

You oughta be happy that someone still finds you obscene.

Last week, I got called "Sir" three times.

Karen! This is serious.

I need to find out who put this letter in my mailbox.

Wow, you're really shaken up.

Yes, I am.

This is very upsetting,

and I don't know what I'm going to do.

It's just a note, Bree. Let it go.

Yes, Bree Van De Kamp and I had so much in common.

We shared similar lives.

And now Bree found herself praying

that we wouldn't share a similar fate.

In the divided world of the suburbs,

everyone is looking for a way to connect.

They fend off loneliness with casual conversation.

They share old treasures with a young friend.

They help a neighbor make a difficult move.

But for Carlos and Gaby Solis,

the only connection that mattered

was the romantic one.

And when it came to maintaining it,

Gaby was willing to pull out all the stops.

What are we celebrating?

A new record. It's been 38 days since we last had sex,

and that streak is ending tonight.

Seriously, it's been that long?

38 days.

That's like three years in hoo-hah time.

Sweetie, I would love to,

but I have way too much work to do.

Unh-unh. No, no. No excuses.

I changed the sheets, shaved my legs,

and dumped the kids at McCluskey's,

so drop your pants, cowboy, and saddle up.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh!

Don't feel bad. It happens to lots of men.

Not to me. Not to us.

Well, it has been 38 days.

Maybe the poor little guy forgot what to do.

Not helping.

Oh.

Listen, you've been under a lot of stress lately.

So relax.

How about I give you a nice massage,

we finish the champagne, and later we try again?

Gaby, thanks, but it's not gonna work, okay?

Like Carlos, Susan Delfino was also feeling disconnected.

Her guilt made the world a strange and scary place...

where she could be exposed at any moment.

Hey! Hold it right there!

I know what you did.

What?

Yeah, and you're not getting away with it.

You thought you could walk out with a case of soda

and no one would notice?

Oh. Uh...

I-I forgot those were down there.

Yeah. Right. I've never heard that one before.

Ma'am, I'm gonna ask you to step away from the cart

and keep your hands where I can see 'em.

Everything okay here?

If you consider larceny okay.

Mrs. Delfino,

on behalf of Fairview market, I'd like to apologize for Kevin.

Seems we're all paying the price

for his rejection from the police academy.

Oh, well, excuse me for not wanting to live in a world

where people can commit crimes

without suffering the consequences.

You are a criminal.

I've known Mrs. Delfino for years.

She pays for the grapes she eats in the produce section.

She would never do anything bad.

Sure, I would.

What?

You don't know me at all.

I'm a very bad person. I did a horrible thing.

I deserve to be punished.

Let me cuff her. I have cuffs. I brought 'em from home.

No one's getting cuffed.

Just... pay for the soda next time you come in.

No, no, no. No, you need to march me inside

- and make me pay now. - Mrs. Delfino...

I'm serious.

Make an example of me to deter other criminals.

- Fine. Take her in. - Copy that.

Yep. Did the crime. Doing the time.

Dead man walking.

So what's the damage?

An arm and a leg? Just an arm?

Not even a finger. It's a cracked fitting.

I swapped it out. It's no charge.

Really? The first guy I called

said I had to re-pipe the whole house.

Oh, it's a scam.

These pipes are top-of-the-line copper.

The guy that put 'em in did a great job.

How do you know? It was me.

You just saved me 10 grand.

No wonder people say such good things about you.

Well...

What are neighbors for?

Need anything else, just holler.

Actually, there is one thing.

I'm a real estate developer,

about to break ground on a new project,

and, uh, I'm looking for some help...

local guys that I can trust.

You interested?

Hey, Mike. Got a minute?

Um... Hey, Renee.

We're friends, right?

Well...

Oh, come on. You fixed my toilet for free.

Um, that wasn't free. I sent you a bill.

You just haven't paid it.

Ahh. Anyway, look, here's the deal.

Uh, Ben likes me. He just doesn't know it yet.

Now I need to find that thing that we connect on.

You've been on the inside. What can you tell me about him?

Well, he's got copper pipes.

Something personal.

I saw a box of cheerios... and a coffeemaker.

He must like coffee. Unless it's for guests.

Oh, my god. I got more out of the cable guy,

and he's deaf.

Does he have any photos? Artwork? Think, Delfino, think!

Okay.

Okay. Um...

There was this plaque from the mayor...

Something about his work with the elderly.

Really?

He likes the elderly?

Well, I like the elderly.

Since when?

Oh. Old people are adorable.

I love their little raisin faces

and those tennis balls they put on their walkers.

Thanks for the tip...

Friend.

Mom!

Hey, how was your day?

Awesome. Dad's hotel is so cool.

We went swimming in the pool and played marco polo

and cannonballed off the diving board.

Why don't we have a pool?

And then we got hamburgers and french fries

and super-sized cherry cola slushies.

Ah. Sugar and caffeine.

I guess you figured they were too young for meth?

It's just a slushie.

On a school night. She's gonna be up till 2:00 A.M.

Just 'cause you couldn't say "No."

You're blowing this out of proportion.

Who wants to play mega monopoly?

It's just like regular monopoly but with more stuff.

You just keep playing and playing