Boys vs. Girls

Subtitles by explosiveskull 𝕄_𝕀_𝕊𝔽𝕠𝕣𝔼𝕧𝕖𝕣

This was the summer before it all went wrong.

British!

That's me, Dale, Boys' Camp section head.

Bulldog!

And that's my best friend, Ben, in his element.

Boys' camp, for the entire month, every summer. Here, he was a king.

But during the rest of the year... a different story.

The game was British Bulldog.

One guy starts in the middle, everyone else to one side,

the goal being to cross to the other side without being touched.

I say touched, 'cause that's what's in the brochure.

And that's the display we put on for the parents on visitor's day.

But in reality... chaos.

But no matter what drama occurred, all was forgiven and forgotten minutes later.

Often the magical juices of the freezie would enable any residual grudge to melt away.

Come on, top bunks! Two more outs and we got this!

- I call grape! - Me too! Grape!

- If there's only one grape, I get it. - Oh, fuck that!

Fuck that? Man, fuck you!

Hey! Language!

A ninth inning could take forever sometimes, kids jockeying for freezie flavors.

But that's the difference between boys and girls.

Guys can beat the shit out of each other and moments later, best friends.

Girls? Well, if you don't like their new jeans and it's...

Bitch!

Hose-bag!

That's me, Amber.

Calm down, ladies! What the hell is going on here?

- Those jeans make her look fat! - Carla said that these jeans make me look fat!

Glorified baby-sitter.

- They don't make you look that fat. - They don't.

- You look perfect, Stacey. - I love you.

I love you.

I can't tell the difference between your bum, and your front bum.

It's like two bums.

Come on girls, remember, if you can't say anything nice,

- don't say any... - Fuck off!

Language! Jesus fuck.

- Fuck you, virgin! - I'm not a virgin!

- Get off me. - Stacey, get off me bitch.

- Kick her ass. - This would go on for hours,

and it would end in tears and candles.

I just want to say that I truly love all of you.

I just wanted to say that I truly do feel like you're all my sisters,

and I respect that bond.

I just wanted to say that I love all of you guys

and that I don't think you should ever change and that you should respect yourself,

because they can't ever take that away from you.

I just want to add in, if I can.

I feel like you are all my sisters,

and that at the end of the day, we have each other,

and that's truly what love is.

I just wanted to add to that that I truly do respect everything you're saying,

and that this just goes to show how our bond is truly everlasting,

and that's forever, guys.

Thanks, Dany.

But it was great, all of August, we got to be our true selves, just girls, no boys.

And that's just the way we liked it,

the whole month of July, just testosterone, no girls.

- Roger. - Sit the fuck down.

Listen, Dale, starting next summer,

Camp Kindlewood, is going to be co-ed.

Wait, is that when we can earn school credit?

No.

- That's when two girls kiss each other, isn't it? - No, it isn't.

Yes, I'm pretty sure it is.

- I got this VHS tape at home... - No, Dale.

The camp will be co-ed.

There will be boys and girls, the same site, for the entirety of summer.

Huh.

And that means there will probably have to be some changes made.

Yeah, changes, like what?

No more naked morning dips.

What... that's how we wake up in the morning!

And clean the cracks!

Yeah, well... and also, no more peeing wherever you happen to be.

- You mean we gotta walk to the washrooms? - Yes.

- Even for number one? - Specifically, number one!

- So, number two we can just... - No!

Both numbers, all numbers, one, two, forty-three, all go into the washroom!

Well, Roger, that's going to cut into our daily schedule.

Well, add this to your schedule. No more firekeepers.

What?

This was the tipping point.

Firekeepers was our rite of passage.

Our mildly homoerotic end-of-summer manhood ceremony.

So, basically, what you're saying right now is that

anything involving our penises... penii... dicks,

whatever, is just off the table.

- Well, your dicks were never on the table. - Metaphorically.

Then metaphorically, yes. Your dicks are now off the table.

Okay, if that's a metaphor, then in reality we can put our dicks on the table?

You are such an ass-wipe!

You know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

The camp is going to be co-ed next summer.

Do you want me to kiss another girl?

No!

No, no, no, no. What it means is, instead of just boys in July,

and just girls in August,

there will be both boys and girls in the camp,

this camp, all together.

Why are you emphasizing every other word like that?

I'm just trying to set this up, so it's clear.

So, why are you telling me?

I need your help to get the necessary buy-in from the other female staff,

you know, for the inevitable changes that are coming.

Like what exactly?

Well, no more condom balloon fights.

And definitely no more tomacocking.

Great. So anything emasculating.

Yes, basically.

That reminds me. No more full moon sacrifices.

That's Dany. She has mad wicked skills.

So you knew about that?

So it wasn't a dream! Ha!

...which is what we learned in the last chapter.

With boys in July and girls in August,

this was actually the first time Dale and I met.

You're gonna end up with one or two options...

Shit.

Hey.

Thank you.

What?

I've got a 10-pack, so it's...

Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

Oh, God!

Hey, nice Bela Lugosi.

Yeah, well, the party store was all out of Kiefer Sutherland, so.

I see they were overstocked on sexy nurse, sexy witch...

I guess that, what is that?

Sexy, neglectful zombie mother?

I don't know how I feel about that one.

Well, come on. Let's go have some fun. Let's go.

- I don't know. I don't know. I mean... - Come on.

...look, you got all the moves, right? I don't think I could keep up with that.

Well, I can't keep them off much longer.

You gotta, you gotta make your move.

You know, I... I don't know. I think a Slutty Kitten can do... sexy.

Fuck, I meant to say sexy. You're not a slut, obviously, you're not a slut.

- Right? - Wow.

I meant... fuck!

And that's... time. Pencils down.

Truthfully, I hadn't given Dale a second thought

until he opened his big mouth again.

There was no turning back from this.

- Hey! Amber! Um... - What?

- Sorry, it's... it is Amber? - Yeah, I mean, obviously.

I turned around when you said Amber.

Sorry. Okay, look.

Um, I just think that it's fine for you to... to ignore me all year and... and hate me,

if I called you a slut. But, I didn't. I... I just misspoke.

Is this supposed to be an apology?

No. That's what I'm saying.

You see, I've been punished with silence and dirty looks all year.

But I didn't even do the crime, right?

It was like a... like a Freud-slip-thing.

Right. Well, you can't just go around calling girls slutty, and expect...

I didn't, that's the thing, right? I... I didn't.

I'm serving the sentence right now, but look, like...

I should now, like retroactively get to call you a slut at a future date,

to justify the punishment that you've given me in advance.

Wow. Alright, well, good luck with that,

but I'm gonna go off to my camp this summer,

so this is gonna have to wait until the fall term.

What camp do you go to?

That's Tiffany.

She thought penicillin was a fashion statement.

Love you more. Okay, love you, Daddy. Bye.

I think I need to go to the clinic.

That's Donna.

She read in a magazine once that there's all these ratios in the human face

that determine if we're attractive or not,

and that's why models are always tilting their head to the side,

so the brain can't pick up on the ratios as much.

Thanks, Mr. Coffee. Alright, ladies, let's go meet the boys.

We were ready to stake our claim to the camp.

But we planted our flag first, "Say Anything" style.

Remember what we discussed. Girls rule, boys drool.

Okay. Don't forget. Bros before hoes.

Sistas before mistas.

Dicks before chicks.

Snitches get stitches.

Gas, grass or ass. Nobody rides for free. Let's go!

Hello, counselors.

Well, we are in for an exciting summer.

As you well know, and can plainly see, and smell, we have gone co-ed.

Now I myself am very excited over this change,

and the future prosperity it can and will bring to this camp.

Of course, I am anticipating that not everything will go smooth-ly,

so we've added some modules to the usual training week.

Oh, we have Gary here from corporate,

and he is going to lead us through some sensitivity training.

Gary!

Okay... it's too loud.

That's so loud, that hurts.

I can't hear you, the music's too loud!

That's right, it, it's too loud.

You're hurting the children.