Patrick

Subtitles by explosiveskull

I saw you.

You mean you were spying on me.

No. I was just passing.

Sarah, I work on the opposite side of town. How were you just passing?

Why can't you just tell me the truth?

The truth? Okay.

Are you sure? Yes. No. Erm...

I've met someone.

Someone? I thought I was your someone.

Listen, I just need some space, think about things.

But we've only just moved in.

Look, I'll come and collect my stuff

when you've calmed down.

Calm? Oh, I am perfectly calm.

See?

Oh!

Bless you.

There you are, darling.

...this body who died...

Are you all right?

Yes, thanks.

I should think she's, you know, 20...

Yes.

It's getting a bit hot.

So young, wonderful.

This is delicious cake.

Looks it, too.

I think she's probably 33.

Where on Earth have you been? Sorry.

You missed the service.

Granny's friend Duncan had to do your reading.

He'd forgotten his glasses, so none of it made any sense at all.

Oh, I am so sorry.

Hi.

Sarah.

Have you got your dress on back to front?

Er. Yeah. It's very now.

Come and make yourself useful.

This lot are inhaling the tea.

Ugh! What's that doing here? It looks ridiculous.

Oh... It was on Granny's list of wishes.

Hmm.

At least he was on time.

Can you tell me where the loo is?

Yes, of course, dear.

Bonkers.

Dad.

Pudding.

Are you okay? Yes, darling.

To infinity and beyond. Auntie Sarah!

No, the loo's not that way.

Oh, this is where you're all hiding.

Should we really be watching telly, today of all days?

Come on, Caroline. It's so boring for them out there.

Anyway, it's nice for their single auntie

to have an armful of niece and nephew.

Mummy said to Daddy that when you're really old,

you'll be all on your own.

Erm, Zachary, would you mind just coming...

And when you die, all they'll find will be your skeleton

and lots and lots of really fat cats.

May I have your attention, please?

Although my mother left a formal will,

she also wanted me to read out a list of her personal wishes.

She would like the following people to go to her home

and to choose an item to remind them of her.

Oh! Here goes.

Archibald, my accountant. Oh.

Angela...

Couldn't your chap get the day off work?

Ah. My chap and I are no more.

Oh, Sarah. Not another one.

What are we going to do with you?

You know me, love 'em and leave 'em.

Well, it's probably for the best. I wasn't very taken.

I wish people would say something at the time

rather than waiting till the person's gone.

Well, I didn't want to interfere.

Hmm, that's a first.

Oh. Er, by the way, I got that job.

I start next term. Head of year 11 English.

Daneman Comprehensive.

Such a shame you dropped out of law school

to go to teacher training.

Now your sister's a barrister. And a wife and a mother.

Don't we just know it?

And you...

Got all the good looks? Hmm.

That blasted dog.

Rupert, my hairdresser's friend.

Stop that.

Oh, my goodness.

And finally, um, to Sarah, I leave my most treasured possession...

Oh, Granfoos, how lovely. She always knew I loved that Faberge brooch.

My beloved Patrick.

What?

Are you sure? Yes. Yes.

She's bequeathed you Patrick,

Patrick, her pug.

How sweet. No. No.

She's added, "They'll be very good for each other." Absolutely.

I don't know about you lot, but I rather fancy a whisky. SARAH: No, we won't.

We're a match made in hell. Dad.

Dad? (SIGHS)

No, no, no, no. Other full lock. Other way.

That's it. That's it. That's it.

Come on back now. That's right. Come on back.

Excellent. Jolly good. And stop.

All right. I know what I'm doing. No, no, stop.

Stop! Stop! Just...

What was she thinking?

Can we have him?

No. Yes.

Why not? Your mother's allergic.

Yeah, if we ever did get a dog, it would have to be a cockapoo.

Can we get one of them, then? No.

Why not?

Because I have too much to do, and it'd be one more thing to worry about.

Complain about. What?

Nothing. Can't you have him?

Oh. No, darling, no.

Poor Snowy's gonna take weeks to recover.

If we ever find him. Hmm.

Please?

I'm sorry, pudding.

What was Granny thinking? She knows I live in a flat.

And, might I just add, the lease says "no pets."

The landlord would go ape.

And I start a new job in a week. I'm gonna be out all day.

And... And I don't like dogs.

I don't want a dog.

Can't one of you take him?

Oh, brilliant.

What?

Stop it.

Stop looking at me, okay? It wasn't my idea.

Bye. Bye.

Come on, little ones. Time to go.

Drive safely, darling.

Okay, you're really freaking me out now.

Can't you look out the window? It's nice.

There's a castle and everything.

Slow-cooked rabbit ragout?

£3.99?

People are so gullible. I bet it's all the same stuff.