Dealin' with Idiots

[phonographic record crackling]

"Take Me Out to the Ball Game."

Sung by Edward Meeker, Edison Records.

I know I've been outta town. I've missed a lot of games, but...

How's it going? You enjoying baseball?

Not really.

What do you mean, "not really?"

I'm just not good at it.

Not good at it? Yeah, I think you're good.

No. Out of every person on my team, I'm the worst.

Really?

I'm surprised. You must have a really good team,

then, if you're the worst.

Let me tell you something.

You gotta do a lot of bad, bad shows...

before you become a great comedian.

Do you know how many shows I did

that I stunk up the place?

I betcha a million. I bet you a million.

Literally, a million.

So, I think the more you play baseball,

- the better you're gonna be. - Yeah.

Just like me with comedy.

And who's funnier than your dad? Anybody?

- No. - Nobody!

- Right? - Right.

Am I the funniest guy you know?

Yup. Funniest guy...

Well, you're my favorite baseball player.

So there you go.

All right, go run ahead. I'll meet you up there.

Wait, wait, wait...

Your bat. All right?

All right.

Max Morris? Oh my God.

My girlfriend is gonna faint when she hears

Let me just get her on the phone.

- Hi. - Hi. All right...

Okay. No, no, no, no.

Guess, guess who's standing in front of me?

Yes.

The...your most favorite comedian world. Okay?

No. No...

Yes! Max Morris!

And he wants to talk to you.

No. He's, he's begging me. He wants to talk to you.

Wait. Hold on one sec. Here, here.

- Would you just say "hello," please? - No, no, no. Seriously.

My kid's playing in the game.

I gotta get going.

Please, it would mean so much to her.

No, I'm sorry. But have a nice day.

Really. Sorry.

Did you hear that bastard?

Let's hear some chatter out there! Phht!

Learn to slide!

Let's go! Move it!

Slide! Slide! Slide!

Good job!

Come on!

: Foul ball.

I got it! Mine! Mine!

Mine!

Mine, I see it!

Whoo!

Got it!

Good morning, Cub fans!

As Mr. Cub, Ernie Banks, would always say,

"It's a great day for two."

Um...couple of things... So please indulge me.

I have collated a nutrition binder.

I've taken some pictures of the homemade snacks

that I usually make. Umm...

And put together, just some ideas,

for you all to follow.

Could you just pass that around for me?

Take a look at this...

Umm...also.

Snack table.

We need 100% parent participation.

I need you guys...to participate. Max, Ava?

Eva is not here, it's just me.

All right, Max.

I've noticed that you have not participated yet.

Oh, Eva usually takes care of stuff like that.

Because little Jackie comes up to the table constantly.

I love him...and I love sharing, but...

Okay.

All right, Vicky Sue Fitzjiminy.

I'll be paying ya soon.

Rosie.

Right. Right. Rosie.

Marty? Marty??

Umm...During this window of time, I'm, uh,

legally not allowed to donate anything financially,

because of my, uh, business advisor.

But feel free to use my name, uh, as a donor.

And you can put me down for say, $100,

with a little star next to it.

Call me an "angel" or some...you know,

umm...at the top of the list.

And I'm good with that.

Uh, I don't think he wants to play.

I really don't think he wants to play.

I'm telling ya.

He wants to play.

He just doesn't wanna suck.

That's the problem. He sucks.

He does suck.

Gosh, he sucks... so bad.

It's okay, you weren't that good.

I wasn't that good.

And it all worked out.

I think back that I was better than I was.

Yeah...

I guess that's a normal thing to think that.

Yeah, but you weren't that good.

You were a pretty good fielder.

That's okay. You know what?

Don't worry about it.

Just go hang out with him.

That's really what kids want.

They wanna feel close to their dad. Just, you know...

play catch...go do something else.

Just hang out with him.

Just hang out. I can play catch.

I can do a million other things.

- A million things. - It doesn't matter.

- Yeah. - Just hang out with him.

He loves me. I love him. That's all.

I just don't wanna be one of those dads that, you know...

forces their kids to play stuff and, you know...

Let him do whatever he wants.

It's tough being a dad.

Yeah.

I wanna applaud you for

your, your campaign, your fundraising effort.

Bravo. If it wasn't for people like you,

we'd have no money at all

and this, this great league couldn't continue. Thanks.

Coach Ambrose?

Um, I don't have my wallet on me.

But I would love to talk about that nutrition guide

with you after the game maybe.

Do you work out adults?

'Cause I'd like to get a card if you have one.

Oh yeah, we'll talk.

- Okay. - We'll talk after.

Umm...Angela.

Could you tell our great commissioner

of this wonderful league that he...

came up with the rules of 100% parent participation.

And I look, shockingly, he has not participated.

You know, he didn't give me a budget for that.

I'm, I'm just the kid's nanny, but... Sorry.

Okay, uh...

Our most progressive couple...

Caitlin, Sophie. Manuel's mama and... mommy.

- His name is Manny. - It's Manny.

Manny. Yes. I was wondering if he has any...

specific nutritional guidelines?

We could have some rice, some beans, some chips,

over at the snack bar, if need be.

Well, considering when we adopted him,

he was eating dirt off the floor of a hut, umm...

I think he's, he's, uh, he's doing just fine.

And, uh, just a suggestion for you.

If you spent less time taking pictures of food

and putting them into binders, and more time

doing useful things like, umm...

perhaps you could talk to the city about having

- less handicap spaces... - Mmm.

...for parking. So that real normal people could park

in the parking lot

I-I second the lady's motion there about

the handicap parking spots. They should either

eliminate the ones that aren't being used or

put on some kinda drive to get more

handicapped people to come out to the ball games.

That could be a lot of fun.

We could get them out on the field with games,

and just kinda stir up the enthusiasm.

I think we're good.

All right.

You are bat shit crazy.

You know, you're a big man...

- Hello ladies. How are ya? - Hello.

Marty, whaddaya say?

- Hey, hey, hey. - Max!

Max, how are ya?

Hiya, Harold. How you doing pal?

I'm well, thank you. How are ya?

I'm, I'm good. Good, good to see ya.

World of comedy good?

Are you still doing that bit about, uh...

with the chicken, and the broiled

and the baked chicken? Is that you?

No.

That's not you?

No, no. But thank you.