Big Stan

Think about it. Right on the beach,

ocean breezes, blue skies, seagulls.

- All yours for the taking. - It's a timeshare.

Well, it's called a timeshare,

but the truth is, for the two weeks you're at the condo,

you're not sharing anything.

You're not sharing the bathroom, not sharing the toaster, nothing.

Nada. Zip.

You are the mistress of all you survey.

My nephew looked up the neighbourhood on the computer.

Your nephew?

Mrs Darby.

He said the condo was in a bad neighbourhood.

Blacks.

You're right. You're right.

The condo is in a rather poor majority black neighbourhood.

And you know what? I'm glad you brought it up.

Seriously.

Otherwise, I might have done something that I'd be ashamed of later.

And that would be to sell you that timeshare.

- You would not feel safe there. - No, I wouldn't.

Of course you wouldn't. How could you?

We all know,

and I say this at the risk of sounding a little racist,

black dudes love white women.

Love 'em. I don't know if it's genetic or if it's society.

We can argue nature versus nurture all day, but it's a scientific fact

that black men can't get enough of white women.

Don't think a woman of your age would be safe from their advances.

No, ma'am.

These big black bucks don't care whether you're young or old,

skinny or fat,

walking or with two wrinkled stumps right below the knees.

They want your white flesh. They want it bad.

Truth be told, I'm part black myself.

And if it wasn't for my wife, I'd be bending you over the desk

doing you doggy-style right now.

I can just imagine you there, all alone in that big condo,

awash in a sea of Negro cock.

I'll... I'll take it.

Smart move. Sign your Jane Hancock on the dotted line.

- You can't go in there. - Here you go.

- Stan Minton. - I'll be with you in a second.

Go on. Sign it.

Stan Minton, you're under arrest for fraud.

Anything you say will be used against you in a court.

It's just a little mix-up. Go on, sign it.

- You white Jezebel! - I'll call Mal!

You're gonna regret this! Call my attorney!

Madam Foreman, have you reached a verdict?

- We have, Your Honour. - Please hand it to the bailiff.

Will the defendant please rise?

Madam Foreman, how do you find the defendant?

We, the jury, find the defendant guilty.

- What? - Thank you, Madam Foreman.

- That bitch! - Stanley, please, quiet.

Sentencing will be tomorrow at 10am.

- What the fuck just happened in there? - You lost, Stanley.

I didn't lose. You're the lawyer, you lost.

I'm truly sorry.

Damn it, man! I'm rich!

I wanted some of that O.J. justice.

Maybe the judge will give probation.

No. In this state, first-degree fraud

carries a minimum of three to five years.

I got it!

- We bribe the judge. - I'm not gonna bribe the judge.

- Bribe him. - I'm not gonna bribe him.

- Bribe him! - Oh, please.

- Bribe him! - No!

I don't practise that kind of law, and I never will.

You wanna bribe the judge? Be my guest.

I'm sure any shyster on the street will be happy to do it for you.

Mal? You're fired.

Mr Popper, is your client ready for sentencing?

He is, Your Honour.

Anything you'd like to say before the court passes sentence?

Your Honour, my client has been convicted

of fraud in the first degree.

A crime of which he is innocent.

But even if he were guilty

and his customers were defrauded,

isn't it better that Mr Minton, as a resident of Los Angeles,

receive the money, thereby keeping it in the community,

as opposed to some gypsies or travelling Mexicans,

who would have taken the money out of the community?

Please take that into consideration.

Mr Minton, you are hereby sentenced to serve a term of no less than three years

at the Verlaine State Correctional Facility.

Normally, your sentence would begin immediately.

However, I'm going to delay your incarceration for six months

so that you may... reorganise the charity

that you've established to teach music to retarded children.

Thank you, judge.

Court is adjourned.

- Teach music to retarded children? - It sounded good at the time.

- I thought you were gonna bribe him. - I did.

Hundred grand in Krugerrand doesn't go too far now.

- Did we win? - No. I don't get it.

You bribe the judge and I get three years?

Mandatory. The judge couldn't fix that.

Now you got six months to set your affairs in order.

My affairs are already in order.

My legal opinion is that you take a Brazilian vacation. Permanently.

Sounds like fun.

I can't do that.

Those Krugerrands were the last liquid asset I had.

The rest of my money is frozen in the bank.

I'm not gonna run and leave seven million behind.

Well, Stan, my old man had a saying:

"You walk through a locker room, you're gonna see some dick. "

- What's that supposed to mean? - It means you rip off enough people,

eventually you're gonna go to jail.

Thanks, that's really comforting.

Hey, I'm a crooked lawyer. I know I'm going to jail someday.

You don't see me crying about it.

Stan, slow down. You're gonna choke.

I gotta eat now. I hear that prison food is real crap.

I'm real glad we have six months together before you have to go to...

- You know. - Tell me about it.

I could be in jail right now. Popper's one hell of a lawyer.

I'm gonna be awfully lonely while you're gone.

I know, sweetheart. But I think I get conjugal visits.

I can probably stick it to you once a month or so. Pretty good.

Oh, sure, that's great.

- But I was thinking... - Mm-hm.

...maybe we could do something now so I wouldn't be so lonely later.

Like what?

Like maybe we could make a baby.

Mindy, are you crazy?

- I just... - I'm gonna be gone three years.

Five at the max. What are we gonna do with the kid when I get out?

Give it up for adoption? That's cruel.

I thought maybe we could keep it.

Mindy, how many times have we gone over this?

It's selfish to bring a child into this world.

A world full of suffering and hunger and war.

- It's just... selfish! - I know.

Plus, a kid would totally cramp our lifestyle.

We couldn't go on vacation when we wanted, they break stuff, they cry.

You'd get stretch marks.

That's right. Stretch marks.

Scary stuff, huh?

I just let you walk all over me.

Oh, Mindy, come on.

OK, Mindy, you can get a dog.

After I leave!

Your other steak, sir.

- What do you want, doll? - Put some Scotch in this.

- We got whiskey. - Not as good, but it'll have to do.

All right. That'll be 75 cents.

Good deal.

- Keep the change. - Ooh! Well...

Ah! Give me another one, honey.

Do you got a problem?

No. No, I...

I was just wondering... you've been to prison, right?

You do have a problem.

No, I... I'm going to prison.

But I've never been there before and I was just thinking maybe

you could give me some pointers.

- I'll pay you 100 bucks. - Just for talking?

- How much time did you get? - Three to five.

- Where at? - Verlaine.

Verlaine? That's fucked, Stan. Guards just don't give a damn.

They let the cons beat the shit out of one another all day.

How am I gonna do in there?

I mean, if you saw me, would you beat the shit out of me?

I'd probably rape ya.

- You'd rape me? - Yeah.

So it's true, huh? A lot of guys turn gay in prison?

I'm always gay. I only rape people in prison.

- You're gay? - Yeah. This is a gay bar.

Whoo!

Let's do this thing.

Whoo!

Look, rape isn't an act of sex. Rape is an act of violence.

And in prison society, it's all about violence.

You're judged by how bad other cons fear you.

Raping a dude is the ultimate way of beating him down.

It means you're one bad motherfucker.

So you rape people?

Well, now that's something I'm not real proud of.

I don't condone the practise, to be honest. But I do it some.

Just to keep up with the Joneses. You know what I mean.

Little dude like you, be an easy mark.

Oh, Jesus! Isn't there anything I could do?

You could join a gang.

- Are you a racist? - Not really.

That leaves out the Nazis.

- Got any Mob connections? - No.

- Wouldn't happen to be Latino? - Uh-uh.

Looks like everybody's gonna rape you.

OK. OK, I... I bet I can be a racist for three to five years.

- A real racist. Hardcore. - Well, good.

- Then you can join the Nazis. - Excellent.

You'll only be raped by other Nazis.

Raped by Nazis? No way!

Anything else I can do?

Isn't there some way I can cultivate some outlaw image?