Satisfied

[audience cheering and applauding]

Hi.

I don't do this very often, this sit down

and just talk about whatever is on the top of my head.

And it's a shame because this is as close as I've come

to journaling what it feels like to be in this experience.

I had two big dreams when I was little.

To be a mother

and to have a career as a singer and an actor,

which didn't seem unreasonable until I grew up.

And it felt like striving for one

threatened the other.

Mommy's baby.

Benjamin is mommy's baby.

Happy Mother's Day.

So I would have to choose or lose everything.

Good night, Mommy. I love you.

And I found myself recording these thoughts.

Hi, guys. Hi, guys.

Hi, guys.

I felt, why not be so brave

as to say hello to the world as Renee,

and not as a character I play?

Here are some of my battles, lost and won.

Hi. We are on Ethiopian Airlines,

just miles outside of Addis Ababa

to meet Hageri for the very first time.

My husband and I were having trouble

having our second child.

We had our son, Benjamin, and we wanted to adopt.

We found this child in Ethiopia,

and we waited to be able to go and get her.

The whole heart-wrenching process took almost a year.

Finally, we met Hageri Alexis Johnson. That is my daughter.

Mommy, Hageri.

She was very happy, and we were ecstatic.

Alexis. Hageri.

When it was time to go, she had just said goodbye

to the women that really were her mothers

for the first year of her life.

Hageri.

They just kind of sang to her and gave her to me.

It was really beautiful.

She had no idea she's the miracle that completed us.

Benjamin finally has the little sister he's always wanted.

My first baby.

When I brought Brielle home,

I decided to put my career on hold.

She's a firecracker.

And it felt wonderful to have the time

just to be at home with my family together.

A few weeks had gone by when I got a call to audition

for a workshop of a new show called

The Hamilton Mixtape.

Lin-Manuel Miranda was developing a new rap musical

about a historical figure, Alexander Hamilton.

And they were auditioning for the part of Angelica Schuyler,

one of the leads who falls in love with Alexander Hamilton.

They said they were looking for a Nicki Minaj type.

It's an ingenue role,

and I just thought I'm probably too old for that.

And I'm not gonna go to an audition for a workshop of a show

that I'm not gonna get the part anyway.

I'm-- Look at my life.

I have my son and our new baby daughter.

-Hi, sleepy face. -Hi.

Hi, Cinderella, Briella.

Being the parent of an adopted child,

you have this plan for all the stuff you're gonna do

to make sure your child bonds

and feels safe with your family.

And I only laugh

because she attached immediately.

She just settled right in

like she knew we were made to be together.

-Good morning. - I love you, Benjamin.

-Hi. -Hi, Bri-bri. I love you.

I had no desire to go and do a workshop at this time,

but Bernie Telsey casting kept calling.

Like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Finally, somebody called my manager and said,

"Can she please just listen to the song

so we can see if she can rap?"

Nina said, "Renee, just listen to the demo."

And then I heard Lin-Manuel Miranda

rapping the song "Satisfied."

I was just like, "Fuck."

I have no idea what he is saying.

He is rapping so fast.

But this is the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life.

I gotta go to this audition tomorrow morning.

Now I have a new problem.

I gotta learn this in a couple hours.

I was trying to slow down every single phrase

to figure out what he is saying.

"So, so, so, so, this is what..."

I was like, what the hell is--

So then I would stop, and I'd be like,

"I think that's what he just said."

And I would say it over and over again.

I have to memorize it, and then I have to walk into a room

and I have to convince all these people

that don't know me that I could do this.

Oh, my God, I'm probably going to embarrass myself.

The next morning I went to the audition.

It's gonna be what it is.

And so I went into the room, and there they were,

Tommy and Lin, and Andy and Alex.

They're like The Beatles.

I did the song for them,

and the big part at the end was really hard to sing.

Oh, it was so stressful.

I remember coming out like,

"Please, Lord, don't let me lose this job.

Please don't let me lose this job."

When it comes to my career,

I definitely was a successful working actor.

I'd been on Broadway a few times.

I'd done a lot of television.

I was amazed by what I had accomplished,

but I wasn't done.

There was so much more I had dreamed of doing.

But the world just hadn't opened up for me like that.

They just asked me to do the workshop.

I guess Nicki Minaj was not available, thank God.

Okay, Hamilton Mixtape.

The raps on "Satisfied" are fast.

She walked out of there and I went,

"Holy shit, she's so fast."

It felt like her mouth racing as fast as her mind.

For the first time, the song felt like an evolution of a thought process

as opposed to this tricky rap.

I met my husband, Alexis Johnson in church one day.

Within about a week, I was ready to elope.

As we were falling in love and everything was amazing,

I was like, "Oh, my God, this is it,

I'm in love, I'm in love."

And then I realized, "Wait a minute,

he doesn't even know what I do."

Like, it's really important.

I know I want him to love me for me,

but I also like need him to support what I do

because if he doesn't support what I do,

how is this gonna work 'cause that's part of me too?

I mean, it's hard.

You have to

deal with somebody at two extremes.

You have to be the kind of person

that can deal with somebody that has no job,

no prospect of a job.

And then I also needed somebody

that just in case this works out,

could just hold my purse over there on the red carpet.

Like that's a huge... That's a huge... You know.

What kind of person can do both of those things

without judgment?

Um, this one right here.

-This one right here. -Yeah. Well...

I fell in love with Renee before I knew that this talent,

and gift and... You know.

It was kind of like, "Oh, you act and sing."

It was a reveal for me after I had already been in love.

So every... It's...

Every... Every show is kind of still like me

discovering a superhero, right?

It is like, we're in here doing what we do, you know?

Bickering, whatever,

and then she goes and gets in front of folks.

So one of my favorite... When I heard "Shadowland..."

-I knew you were gonna say that. -When I heard "Shadowland"

-in The Lion King... -That's crazy

'cause I didn't sing that that well.

That's amazing.

It brought tears to my eyes.

"African Homeland" in The Color Purple.

Oh, man.

So many songs in Rent.

Watching her perform...

it's amazing. It's just amazing.

So it's hard to talk about what my favorite...

I'm just... I'm her person, I guess.

Yep.

Hold it!

You trying to go upstairs without us?

-You were gonna let me miss the elevator? -I saw you.

-I was looking at you. -I saw you.

Take a picture. Take a picture with me.

Take a picture with me, Sean.

Hey!

We're not late.

I'm so excited to be a part of this workshop.

I've been in on the ground floor before

where you get to build a show with a group of people.

But this one is different.

I've never had to sacrifice so much personally

to be in the room.

It feels like a huge risk.