No Heart Feelings

Are you sure this is it?

I think someone is having sex on the second floor.

-What? -Sorry. Nothing.

I just, I don't really, I don't wanna talk...

...about the people having sex on the second floor.

-I don't... It's not... -There is...

...no one having sex on the first floor.

It's just not top priority, right now, you know?

No, I don't wanna be the Priority Police, but I just don't...

I'm babbling a lot. I'm sorry.

No, no, it's, it's fine. I understand.

Tell me something about your life.

Well, I spent the day working on a logo design...

...for a local organic coffee shop.

So it'll probably shut down in two weeks,

once the cheque clears.

He kind of put this on pause.

Like, I'm sorry. I know.

That's great about the coffee logo, whatever you did.

And I'm sure it's great, because you're great.

But we... he put the break-up on pause.

Like we were about to break-up, on the phone,

and then he had to go somewhere.

But the pauses are good.

Because the pauses let you go and think about things.

-Instead of doing it in the... -Yeah, the pauses have been good...

...for the past two months, you know?

But now it's down to...

Well, why don't you just do it then? Like he said...

I was about to, and then he said he had to go.

And he such... He's a master argument-er.

He's so good at...

The English? The English?

Not just the English, but the...

He can make anything bad look okay.

And it's not okay. He can just make it look okay.

Yeah. I'm picturing your conversations with him,

and if they're anything like this,

it's gonna take you three months to break up.

As you try to dissect each other's analogies.

-Yeah, but... -I find this conversation to be like...

-What? -This is... Okay, this is...

All right.

Oh, thank you for listening to me.

No problem.

Hello?

- Mel? -Hey.

Hey. Are you still at the party?

No, I'm just, I'm walking away from it.

You're no longer partying?

It's my best friend.

Have you met Helmut?

I don't think so. I'm Chris.

Helmut Kohl. He's the former Chancellor of Germany.

He's slimmed down quite a bit.

He's in jail for seven years or something.

I just wonder if Barbara Amielle is gonna remain faithful, you know?

Yeah, I don't know. Weird stuff.

-Dude. -Hey, what's up, man?

You making a drink?

I'm doing my best, with limited resources here.

-Yeah, well... -I don't understand.

An espresso machine, but no Jameson.

I'm improvising. Whatever, man. Where you been?

Those Season 4 West Wing DVDs are calling my name.

They're there tomorrow. They're there tomorrow.

And your glass is full,

and delicious.

You love your booze, don't you, huh?

Don't you!

Like everything about him is so hokey.

His concept is like, "I'm living among them, the common people."

But I bet it sells. I bet it will sell. You know?

Of course it will! But at the cost of your soul!

If this guy actually has a decent book deal,

with a decent publisher...

I don't think I can't not do it.

No, obviously you can do it. Obviously you can do it.

It's just a matter of circumstances.

It's about the circumstances being, on the one hand,

it's something that happens to you.

On the other hand, it's something you create.

Yeah, I'm really excited about my topic.

I think that we should stop not seeing each other.

We should not stop seeing each other?

No, I mean, we don't see each other,

but we're seeing each other.

-And... - We are seeing each other!

We're seeing each other, but we never see each other.

I could see you right now. I mean, should we video chat?

I don't want to Skype with you.

That really depresses me.

We've had some really nice video chats, I thought?

He's one of those dogs that when he falls, he splays...

No! Guys, are you leaving already?

I'm so sorry, I just stepped on your foot.

It's okay.

Now you can leave,

because you're gonna have to go to the hospital.

Oh, I know, you have to wake up early.

Past midnight, parties are for single people.

-You're right. You're right. -You know?

You guys have learned about love, and commitment,

and future.

You have futures and lineages to concern yourself with.

Technically, we have DVDs to watch.

-That's the big thing. -It's really good to see you.

Phillip Marcus Stewart. Nice to meet you.

-No. -You should know Zooey.

-She used to go out with Raff. -Yeah, Raff.

Well, what can I do?

I don't wanna let you go.

Well...

You should have held on stronger.

I think that I'm just gonna hang up right now.

And just know that I'm really sad about this,

and I still think you're a great person.

I'm gonna hang up.

You guys have enough coffee?

-Yeah, totally. -Yeah.

-Thank you. This looks so good. -For now. Thank you.

It seems like it's been a long time coming.

Well, yeah, obviously!

But still, you can know that you're gonna break-up with somebody,

it's still really upsetting.

James. James, it's your birthday!

Happy Birthday!

Well, at least it's somebody's birthday. They're having a nice day.

Yeah.

Oh, there she is.

Hi, Jeannie!

-Thanks for coming. -Hi! How are you?

-I'm depressed. -I know. I know.

-We'll fix it. -Help me.

-You look so nice. -Thanks!

I'm dressed up for the first day of the rest of your life.

Yeah, so did I.

You sure did.

Okay. Are you coming with us?

Oh, I don't think so. I've got a little bit of shopping to do.

I've gotta get some new socks.

Oh, yeah. The socks.

The old socks just aren't cutting it anymore?

No.

-Okay, have a good afternoon. -Thanks for listening.

-Sorry I was... You know. -Don't worry about it.

Bye.

Okay, now that he's gone,

you can either come with me to get a pedicure, or a manicure.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

We could go and eat ice cream,

-and deconstruct the break-up. -Deconstruct.

Or we could drink a mickey in the park.

Okay. Nurse Jean, I need my treatment.

Oh, this is so demoralizing.

Why can't people drink in a park?

I mean, come on, if we were in a backyard, we could drink.

If we were on a patio, we could drink.

Because it's the law.

And there are cops right there.

Do you want me to compromise the nature of your drink?

Yeah, I mean,

let's soften the harsh blow that is to come to me.

I think it's already come.

Listen, here's to having you back!

Yeah. Cheers. Wait, you're not gonna soften yours?

-No. Cheers. -What a hardcore!

Okay.

How are you doing, really?

I'm relieved,

but I'm still upset, I'm still upset,

because I broke up with my boyfriend.

I know. It's gonna be a couple of months.

I'm just excited to not have always be on the phone,

and pay long distance bills,

and write emails all of the time.

Think of all that money that will be left over...

...for drinking, and lunch, and maybe...

Don't take this the wrong way, but wardrobe?

-Accessories? -I told you,

I could be wearing a paper bag and it would be acceptable.

-I know. You look just... -But okay.

...a little sleepy.

I could use a tiny makeover, maybe.

I got lazy, because I had a long-distance boyfriend.

Bring it down for a second, bro to bro.

-Bra to bra. -Bra to bra.

I am really, really, really proud of you.

I know how hard this is,

I know it's not gonna be an easy couple of months.

But your life will be so much better because of it.

Thank you. I think you're right.

That is good to hear.

Are you having trouble with the...

...with profundity of our relationship?

The profundity?

You mean...

You mean, I don't like corny moments between friends?

No, I do.

I am having trouble with the profundity of our relationship.