Marry Me

Guys, I can't tell you how important tomorrow night is.

Well, apparently important enough to interrupt

A story about my workout.

I'm just excited.

It's my first Halloween in ten years without Cassie.

- Oh. - And since I don't have to

Hang out with her dumb friends this year,

I'm looking to blow it out with my dumb friends.

- We're dumb. - So what are we doing?

Well, as always, Annie, Dennah and I

Are going to the single greatest party of the year,

Halloween hella-rage,

Hosted by Tupac's hologram.

Zagat lovingly called it "a *** damn mess."

Ooh, I'd love some feedback on my costume.

Two years ago I went as a slutty nurse,

And then last year I was a slutty judge,

But this year I'm just gonna cut out the middleman

- And go as a slut. - We got it.

- You hate your parents. - They're not great.

- So, Kay... - Yeah?

What do you got going on, and can non-lesbians attend?

Sticking with a classic. Trick or treating, costumes,

Fresh air, free candy,

Mike drop.

Both solid options,

But I got to go with Kay,

Mostly because I love candy,

But also partially because the last time

I went to a hip party, everybody thought I was the valet.

Long story short is the title of the short story

I wrote about that experience.

oh, excuse me.

Oh. Hi, Julie... - just one second.

- I just have to do this. - Okay.

Yeah, great. Hi, Annie.

I see you've grown that hair out.

A woman doesn't realize how big her head is

Till she gets a pixie cut so, lesson learned.

Lesson learned is what I was going to say.

What's happening here, a little vino in the afternoon?

- How decadent... I miss that. - Come on in.

It is so crazy that we're the same age.

- Are we? - Um hm.

- Uh huh. - Um hm.

- Um hm. - Um hm.

- Um hm. - I think you're mistaken.

- No, I'm not. - Okay.

I'm 100% accurate.

Because you have kids and you wear skirts

And you carry juice in your purse.

- So do you, baby girl. - I have blood sugar issues.

- Please stay out of this. - Okay, well,

Any beehoozal, me and the momz, m-o-m-z,

Are planning our yearly kids Halloween party down

In the building's rec room,

So we're having a planning slash mandatory safety meeting,

And I'm required by law to invite every tenant

Regardless of their inappropriate sex volume.

I'm a screamer. What can I say.

I was referring to Diane in 6b,

But good for you, Jake.

Okay. Well, anyway, I just sent you all the info.

You'll be sorely missed.

Well, we've got a lot going on.

oops, poops. Hold on.

Ow, he's got me there.

And... UN... Latch!

There we go.

All right, I've got to get Atticus changed,

And I've got to take the twins to sportscaster camp.

They're gonna meet Bob Costas.

So, fingers crossed... anyway, you were saying, I'm sorry.

Just that we're so busy, so...

I got an alert.

I've got to get this one on the other breast.

- Okay. Bye-bye. - Okay.

Ah, Julie.

She thinks she's so much better than us,

Like we're a bunch of trash.

check it out.

I'm a slut!

So, guys, how excited are you for hella-rage?

- Ah ha ha. - I'm gonna get

So *** faced, I started taking

Antibiotics just to get ready. That's smart.

How are you a preschool teacher?

What can I say, I love kids.

I hear this year they're releasing

An authentic psychopath into the crowd at midnight.

- Yes. - Yeah!

That is so dangerous.

I was gonna say cool, but it's reckless.

- Very dangerous. - God,

Even the invitation is awesome.

I heard it's baby redwood.

Oh, so wasteful.

So cool. Wait, when did you get that?

A couple of weeks ago.

Didn't you guys get yours?

Oh, no, I did hear they were cutting back on the list

This year.

Right, right, right, right, right.

Right, right, right.

All right, nobody freak out.

I mean, chill, papi.

I'm sure ours got lost in the mail or something like that.

Don't you know the guy that runs the list?

- Kyle, yes, kyle. - Kyle.

I'll just give kyle a call,

Give him an old ring-a-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding

But my phone's not here. It's in the car.

And that's all right. I'll just call after lunch

Because, you know, or whenever,

Because I'm just chilling out with my peeps, enjoying...

Some horrible potato skins. Check, please!

I'm embarrassed.

Kyle, Ky, Ky guy, Ky I oughta,

Al-Ky-DA.

I'm sorry about that one.

Hey... huh? What the...

- Jake, what are we doing? - Well, I was doing

- Some pretty good name play. - No, I mean

What do you think about maybe not going

- To hella-rage this year? - Gasp.

I've been thinking about it a lot.

Haven't we outgrown anything

That has the word hella or rage in it?

Last year we took a nap before and during it.

But that party's all we've ever known.

I know, but it might be fun to do something new,

Like maybe a more grown up Halloween,

In our own building?

Okay, okay... I don't follow.

Well, last year when we were puking in that dumpster

Behind the Filipino mall, I looked up

And saw these kids in their costumes carrying candy,

And it looked really fun.

Oh...

That was pretty *** cute.

Some of my favorite memories are from when I was little

And my dads did their haunted house.

All the neighbors said it was as scary as it was gay.

It seems like a pretty intolerant neighborhood.

Yeah, we had to move shortly thereafter.

Okay, shh. Everyone, shh.

Okay, it's starting. Shh.

Okay, here's shushing at you, Karen.

All right, now, trick or treating

Is allowed in your apartments

Between the hours of 7:00 and 9:00 P.M. Only.

As for costumes, nothing with weapons,

Gender neutral isn't required, but it is encouraged,

No ethnic costumes, no religious costumes.

It's not a costume.

Okay. All right.

Oh, Annie, what are you guys doing here?

What, did you get lost on your way to margarita ville?

Good one, Julie.

Great one, Jules, but no.

My fiance and I have decided to help with the building party,

And I think we've got the perfect idea.

Two words... "haunted house."

Two more words... "you're welcome."

Two additional words... "standing ovation."

Two words, one name.

- No way, Jose. - What?

- What? - But it's a classic.

The kids will love it. So what were you thinking,

You're gonna peel a bunch of grapes and tell the kids

They're eating eyeballs? Now we're playing jazz.

Well, too bad grapes are a choking hazard.

Hazel in 4c can't handle large bites.

I mean, do you know C.P.R.?

She knows doggie C.P.R.

I've been the recipient of C.P.R.

She's a terrible swimmer.

Okay, well, bad news, you just murdered

- An eight-year-old. - What?

Kids these days, they don't like to be scared.

It's okay, Annie.

If you were a mom, you'd understand.

You know, you'd have something called maternal instincts.

I'm sorry, but no haunted house.

- But... - all right, thank you

So much, everybody.

Have a blessed afternoon.

And no trail mix this year, Lindsay.

Nobody wants nuts that people have touched.

Well, we tried, you know.

Quite honestly, I'm sick about it.

So what do you think we should do now?

Oh, hey, how about we go to that stupid hella-rage party

And lick our wounds-themed vodka jell-o shots?

- Should I call kyle? - Yeah, you call kyle.

You call kyle, real nice-like,

And tell him that we're hosting a haunted house in our apartment

'cause Julie's a bitch.

Well, I don't think kyle's

Gonna care about any of this building politics stuff.