Friends

- Hi, guys. Hey, Phoebe.

Hey, oh, how did it go?

Um, not so good.

He walked me to the subway and said, "We should do this again."

- Ouch. - What? He said, "We should do it again."

That's good, right?

Uh, no. Loosely translated, "We should do this again," means:

"You will never see me naked."

Since when?

Since always. It's, like, dating language.

You know, like, "It's not you," means, "It is you."

"You're such a nice guy," means:

"I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics...

...and complaining about them to you."

Or, you know, um, "I think we should see other people," means:

"Ha, ha, I already am."

And everybody knows this?

Oh, yeah. Cushions the blow.

Like when you're a kid and your parents put your dog to sleep...

...and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.

That's funny. No, because, uh, our parents actually did...

...uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.

Uh, Ross?

Ha, ha. Hello. The Milner's farm in Connecticut?

The Milners, they had this unbelievable farm.

They had horses and rabbits that he could chase.

And it was...

Oh, my God. Chi-Chi.

"So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"

Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over.

But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die.

- Hey, that was really good. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Thanks. Let's keep going.

Okay. "So, what do you want from me, Dimon? Huh?"

I just wanna go back to my cell, because in my cell, I can smoke.

"Smoke away."

Heh.

I think this is probably why Dimon smokes in his cell alone.

- What? - Relax your hand.

Let your wrist go.

- Not so much. - Whoa.

Hey.

All right. Now try taking a puff.

Right.

- Okay, no, give it to me. - No, no, no. I'm not giving you a cigarette.

No, it's fine. It's fine. Look, do you want to get this part or not? Here.

All right. Now, don't think of it as a cigarette.

Think of it as the thing that has been missing from your hand.

When you're holding it, you feel right.

- You feel complete. - You miss it?

No, not so much.

All right. Now we smoke.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no.

They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb...

...to the tip of his index finger.

That's ridiculous.

Can I use either thumb?

All right. Don't tell me, don't tell me.

Decaf cappuccino for Joey.

Coffee, black.

Latte.

And an iced tea.

- I'm getting pretty good at this. - Excellent. That's very good.

Good for me.

- You okay, Phoebe? - Yeah, no, it's not even worth...

It's my bank.

What did they do to you?

It's nothing, it's just... Okay.

I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly "statement."

Easy.

And there's 500 extra dollars in my account.

Oh, Satan's minions at work again.

Yes, because now I have to go down there and deal with them...

- What are you talking about? Keep it. - It's not mine.

I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing.

Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping.

Okay. Okay.

Let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes.

Do you know what I'd hear with every step I took?

"Not mine. Not mine. Not mine."

And even if I was happy, okay, and skipping...

...I'd hear, "Not mine. Not mine."

We're with you. We got it.

Okay, I'd never be able to enjoy it. It'd be like this giant karmic debt.

Chandler, what are you doing? Hey.

What are you doing?

Oh, gross.

- What is this? - I'm smoking. I'm smoking. I'm smoking.

I can't believe you. You've been so good for three years.

And this is my reward.

Hold on a second. Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.

Okay, so this time I won't quit.

- Put it out. - All right. I'm putting it out.

Oh, no.

I can't drink this now.

All right, I'm gonna go change. I've got a date.

Is this Alan again? How's it going?

It's going pretty good, you know? It's nice and we're having fun.

- So when do we get to meet the guy? Yeah.

Let's see, today's Monday...

- Never. - Come on.

- No, not after what happened with Steve. - What are you talking about?

We love Steve. Steve was sexy.

Sorry.

Look, I don't know how I feel about him yet. Give me a chance to figure it out.

Well, then can we meet him?

No.

Sorry.

Why should I let them meet him?

I bring a guy home and within five minutes they're all over him.

I mean, they're like coyotes picking off the weak members of the herd.

Listen, as someone who's seen more than her share of bad beef...

...I'll tell you, that is not such a terrible thing.

Come on, they're your friends. They're looking out after you.

I know, I know. I wish that once I'd bring a guy home they actually liked.

Well, you do realize that the odds of that happening are a little slimmer...

...if they never get to meet the guy.

Let it go, Ross.

Yeah? Well, you didn't know Chi-Chi.

Do you all promise?

- Yeah, we promise. We'll be good. We promise.

Chandler, do you promise to be good?

You can come in, but your filter tip little buddy has to stay outside.

Hey, Pheebs.

"Dear Ms. Buffay: Thank you for calling attention to our error.

We have credited your account $500. We're sorry for the inconvenience...

...and hope you'll accept this football phone...

...as our free gift." Do you believe this?

Now I have $1000 and a football phone.

What bank is this?

Okay, it's him.

- Who is it? Alan.

Chandler. He's here.

Okay, please be good. Please?

I mean, remember how much you like me.

Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.

- Hi. Hey.

I've heard so much about all you guys.

Thanks, I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin.

Who's gonna take the first shot?

Hmm?

Come on.

I'll go.

Let's start with the way he kept picking at...

You know, I'm sorry, I can't do this.

Can't do it. We loved him.

We loved him. - Wait a minute.

We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?

Yes. - And did you notice?

Yeah.

Know what was great? The way his smile was kind of crooked.

Yes, yes. Like the man in the shoe.

What shoe?

From the nursery rhyme.

"There was a crooked man who had a crooked smile...

...who lived in a shoe for a while..."

So I think Alan...

...will become the yardstick...

...against which all future boyfriends will be measured.

What future boyfriends?

No, no. I think this could be, you know, "it."

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhoff impression alone.

You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right?

- You know what I like most about him? - What?

The way he makes me feel about myself.

Yeah.

Hi.

How was the game?

Well...

- We won! - We won! Thank you! Yeah.

Fantastic. I have one question: How is that possible?

- Alan. - He was unbelievable.

He was like that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions.