Rock the Kasbah

Mr. Lanz? I'm done.

No.

Forgive me. No.

You're just beginning.

You liked it? Liked it?

You made me want to swallow poison.

And forget pitch, rhythm and tone...

and emotional attachment to the lyric or the melody.

I'm sorry. I don't think I...

A grain of sand slips into an oyster...

and irritates the bivalve.

What happens? A pearl.

Celine Dion.

Miss Nicki Minaj.

Christina Aguilera occasionally.

All of them deeply, profoundly irritating.

Each one of 'em a huge star.

You, mighty Mo...

are that irritant.

So you'll represent me?

If you'll have me...

Richie Lanz Management...

globally, in all markets.

Welcome to the team. Thank you! Thank you.

So $1,200?

It's just to cover wardrobe, studio time, gym classes.

Oh, I go to a gym.

Want to get you a good blender too.

Wow. I got goose bumps. Me too.

Oh, personal check.

- I'm going to say it's okay, Ronnie. - Yeah.

Here's our contract. The only one we'll ever have. Ever.

My handshake is my word.

Conning checks from losers.

Booking cover bands for bar mitzvahs.

What happened to that smile you had, huh?

That Richie Lanz smile. What'd you call it?

Hey, remember, we got that thing at Pogo's tonight.

Your "winner's smile." That's what you called it.

All those pictures in your office, you had that grin.

That grin, man. You were really something.

Am.

Not were, sweetheart. Am.

Yeah, sure, I'm taking some hits,

you know, but this is all rope-a-dope, baby.

It looks pretty bad for Richie Lanz from the cheap seats,

but I am still in the goddamn game.

You know, this is not forever.

This is right now. This is Van Nuys.

Life's about seeing an open door and walking right through it.

Obviously, some asshole has changed the goddamn locks on me,

but... there's still a door there.

I can see it.

I have always found a way. I always will.

- I mean, how do you think I found Madonna? - Richie.

Singing for spare change in front of Hamburger Hamlet.

Okay, is this our talk? Because you promised me...

after one year I'd be singing my own songs.

I don't really... see that now.

Wear your Meredith Brooks outfit tonight, please.

Door number one. That's you.

We have to talk, Richie.

No! I don't like this!

We have to rock!

What's up, buddy? She's great, isn't she?

The girl's not that great. You're too drunk to know.

- This shit rocks! - Totally.

It rocks! It totally rocks.

Whoo!

I got to go check something. Fuses or watts or something.

No, no, no. My man, my man, my man.

What you gotta do is bring this shit to Afghanistan.

Afghanistan. Totally. Got to.

USO tour.

That's me, man. I book those things.

This chick,

opening for Demi goddamn Lovato and that Solange?

- The real Solange? - Hells, yeah. In country, dude.

Goddamn beautiful this time of year.

What time of year is it?

May. What?

I think that it's May. Kandahar rocks in May.

Right, right. Do the whole circuit...

Herat, Mazar-e Sharif, two nights in Kunduz, Kabul.

Do the whole thing.

You're talking a tour? A hellacious tour, dude!

For money?

How about for your country?

Hells, yeah. For a ton of money.

We're at war, dude.

The faucet is open.

Daddy, nobody tours Afghanistan.

That's not true. Nobody good.

Now you're just being cruel. Aren't you?

Sweetie, your dad was a rock tour manager...

Your dad is a rock tour manager.

And this is what I'm supposed to do.

I'm supposed to tour with my act.

Now yes, it's a little bit out of town,

but it's a start.

The first thing I do when I arrive,

I'm going to head directly to the Kasbah...

where I will purchase for you...

They don't have Kasbahs in Afghanistan.

What? No rock the Kasbah?

Somebody is not going to like that.

They're in North Africa, not Afghanistan.

You are so your father's daughter.

Scary smart.

And you got my looks too.

You really have the total package of me.

Okay, then I'll just go to the mall...

and get you one of those stuffed elephants with the mirrors all over it.

Just come home.

Hurry up! Ann Coulter's gonna dance next!

I gotta go. Mmm.

Dree!

Dree.

I love you.

I love you more.

Come on. We're in the homestretch.

Last leg.

Come on. This is just a short two-hour...

Hell flight!

It's a hell flight.

This is a goddamn death trip.

Forgive me.

The '85 Bangles tour was a death trip.

Susanna Hoffs would not even talk to her own mother.

I'm going to hurl.

What if they hate me?

They're soldiers. They'll kill me.

You want my air? Here. Take mine.

No. I want to go home.

Hey, did I tell you my Stevie Nicks story? Oh, God.

It's the Rumours tour.

Stevie can't go on.

Stevie won't go on.

Finally, I can't stand it anymore.

I run over to her, grab her by the shoulders.

I look her in the eye. I say:

"Miss Stevie. I'm nobody, but I'm a fan.

And there's a lot of kids out there tonight just like me...

fans, who saved all month to come and hear Stevie Nicks sing.

To see Stevie Nicks twirl."

What happened?

Yeah. Crazy. She head-butted me.

Deviated septum... that I still have.

Blood everywhere, all over both of us.

But Miss Stevie Nicks went on and did the show of her life that night.

And Ms. Ronnie Smiler, I think you are that same kind of professional.

I believe in you. Mmm.

He believes in you. Oh, my God.

You should see the way he looks at you while you sleep.

Stop it right now.

"Not wearing underwear."

You idiot. That's what he's thinking.

- You idiot. - It's only rock and roll, babe.

Yeah. Think Aspen. But, you know, during wartime.

This is the last of it? It's not ours.

Your luggage probably never made it on the flight.

It has been known to happen.

Is there a lost-and-found?

Not in the traditional sense, sir.