Man with a Plan

Hey, babe.

What's wrong?

Well, wh-what is it? A ghost.

I told you, I felt a presence here.

No. My little sister's here.

You're kidding me. No, you're not.

Hey, Kelly.

Why did you... when did you come here?

Oh, I have a conference in town.

They booked me at the The Ritz,

but I stay at nice places all the time,

so I thought I'd come to your little cabin instead.

It's not a cabin, okay?

I'll have you know, this is the sixth-biggest house on the block.

Oh. Well, you look great. Country life suits you.

Pittsburgh is a city. How can you not...

Okay, you know what, Adam,

wh-why don't you help me get Kelly's bag out of the car?

We have sports teams. Mister Rogers is from here.

Oh, oh, uh, Kelly, meet our friend Lowell.

Lowell, this is my sister Kelly.

Enjoy.

So, how do you know Adam and Andi?

I work for them.

Oh, well, you'll bounce back.

When is she leaving?

Her bag's still in the car.

I could drive her to the airport right now.

She's my sister. I can't ask her to leave.

Oh, well, she's not my sister. I'll ask her.

- I'll do that right now. - Adam.

It's not good for you when she's here.

All she does is judge you.

Just don't let her bother you.

Yeah, but I know she bothers you.

Why do you let her get away

with acting superior all the time, huh?

"Cabin." We have heated floors in our bathroom.

- We do? - They're broken, but yeah.

Look...

It'd be great if my sister didn't always compare her glamorous,

jet-setting life to me settling down

in an average town with an average joe.

Average joe?

I am the sixth-best husband on the block.

You're amazing,

which is why I am not gonna play her game, all right?

It's called taking the high road.

Yeah, but she already looks down on us.

Let's at least get our money's worth. Low road.

Adam, I have a wonderful husband and three loving children.

No matter what she says, I am happy with my choices.

So even though I am not competing, I win.

Well, since you already won, let's celebrate

by taking her to the airport

Don't leave me alone with her anymore.

Do you guys think I look like Forrest Gump?

- No - Only when you run.

How are you two sisters?

You don't even look alike.

Ugh...

Well, she spent a little time in Switzerland,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah. When she blinks, you can see the back of her neck move.

Oh, I got so much good stuff. Let me at her, coach.

No, Adam. High road, okay?

Let's just live our normal lives as if she's not even here.

Fresh-squeezed papaya juice, Kell?

Wow.

Do you make breakfast like this all the time?

It's like a Four Seasons in here.

That's a fancy hotel.

I know what it is.

I've driven by one.

No, what you're seeing is just our normal,

everyday life.

I love cooking for my family.

Mom, my muffin has a price tag on it.

Honey, put that in your mouth.

So, um, hey, how did you sleep?

I mean, it's pretty cozy

in a house full of children and love, huh?

Oh, I slept great.

Oh, but I do need to go out and get a memory foam pillow.

I went to the bathroom last night,

and your pillow completely forgot how I wanted to sleep.

What's with the spread?

Oh, shoot. Is it Easter?

No. No, this is just our regular, typical breakfast.

We do this every day.

Oh, yeah.

I meant, "is it Easter?" like,

every day is Easter with my girl.

Oh...

Oh, kids, I brought you some presents.

I picked them up on my business trip last week to Tokyo.

It's just a little something to say domo arigato for having me.

- Oh, sorry, that means... - I know what it means.

That's what you say to Mr. Roboto.

- It's candy. - This is so cool.

We never get anything like this around here.

Uh, I think you're forgetting about the Tic Tacs

I got for you at the gas station the other day.

I'm so glad you like it, kids.

Oh, Tokyo is amazing.

It's modern, vibrant, cultured.

It's so not your thing.

We don't need to go to Japan.

Okay? We go to Benihana.

Uh, hey, kids, why don't you go up and play?

Well, I'm off to buy a pillow.

How far is Pittsburgh from a city?

You know what? Never mind. I'll Google it.

I don't like this. She's getting to you.

She is not.

Oh, come on.

I haven't seen that crystal punch bowl

since you told me to return it after our wedding.

This is not how we live.

Look, I make breakfast for you every morning.

Babe.

Yesterday, you put a frozen Eggo in my pocket

and said my body heat would warm it up.

- Okay, she's getting to me. - Mm-hmm.

I didn't sleep at all last night.

I knew I heard someone rage-whispering in the bathroom.

I'm just glad it was you and not the ghost.

Growing up, she was always like this.

Any toy I had, her toy was better.

Any sport I played, her sport was better.

- What sport did you play? - Badminton.

Well, you weren't doing yourself any favors.

Look, if you won't say anything, then let me do it.

Okay? She needs to know that there are consequences

when she's mean to you.

Absolutely not, okay?

You stay out of it. I have my own plan.

At our 50th anniversary party,

when I'm surrounded by all my grandchildren

and she's in a wheelchair, hobbled with loneliness,

she'll look at me, and we'll both know

I won.

But that'll take forever.

$7.99?

Oh, we're returning these.

I can't take much more of Andi's sister.

I'm trying to get her out of my house,

Andi's making her a four-star breakfast.

You don't get rid of rats by throwing cheese on the floor.

Unless you put poison in the cheese.

But then you've escalated things quite a bit.

I'm not a fan of Kelly.

- Yeah. - When we were Andi's bridesmaids,

she told me that the color yellow looked good on me

because it matched my teeth.

I let it slide, 'cause I didn't want to ruin Andi's wedding.

You mean our wedding.

Eh, it was Andi's wedding.

Nobody wants to look at the groom.

That's why they make you dress in black, like a roadie.

What I'm thinking is, if we make life unpleasant for Kelly,

she'll leave, but I can't do it.

No. So what I need is a maker of unpleasantness, huh?

Which brings me to you, Marcy.

You're really good at making people

feel bad about themselves.

That is so sweet.

No, I-I'm proud of my skills. They didn't come easy.

I had to practice on Don.

I'm your speedbag, baby.

So... so you'll do it?

Sure. Sure, I've had stuff to say to Kelly for 18 years.

She has big feet, right?

Oh, you could row one of her shoes across a lake

like a canoe

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

What do you got there?

They're cookies, and a woman gave them to me

and she likes me and I'm not related to her.

Uh... you seeing someone?

I am. Her name is Melanie, and we met a month ago at the gym

when I became lightheaded on the StairMaster.

Ooh. A month, huh? Sounds serious.

Well, I don't like to kiss and tell,

but I have kissed, and I must tell you, I liked it.

I know you, Lowell, okay?

Whoever you sleep with,

you're gonna imprint on like a baby duck.

That's true.

So I think we should meet this girl.

Maybe you could check her out and make sure

I'm not blinded by her cookies.

Grow up, Lowell. They're called knockers.

Hey.

Bring her by tonight, okay?

It'll help fill up the room and distract Andi

- from my hit man Marcy.Yeah. - You're right.

With Lowell and his lady there,

I'll just be a face in the crowd.

Exactly. You'll do the hit, drop the gun, take the cannoli.