Friday Night Dinner

Thank God I can breathe again!

It's not that bad. You were playing football, not lying in your own BO?

Lovely(!)

What?

What?! What?

No way. No way. No way!

Dad! Hello, bambinos. Is this for real? What?

Uh, the For Sale sign! Is the For Sale sign for real? Yes!

Well, it exists.

Right. No way! No way.

No way! There is no way you are selling this house! Oh...

Hello. Uh...

I do beg your pardon, Paul and Melissa. This is Adam and Jonny.

Hi. Hello. Our sons. Boys, would you mind taking your shoes off, please?

We were just saying what a lovely house your parents have. Really lovely.

Well, thanks for showing us around. No, thank you for coming. Not at all.

So do they want to buy the house?

Martin! Has she told you about the bodies in the basement yet?

Er, well, thanks again, then. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Bodies everywhere!

Really! The woman smelt of pencils.

I can't believe... Ssh!

Selling?! Without telling us!

Boys... No way! You can't sell the house! Boys!

We are not selling the house. What?

Aren't we? No! So?

We're not selling. We're just... seeing. Seeing? Seeing? Yes.

We're just seeing if anyone might be interested in one day, maybe,

thinking of buying the house.

Right. I thought we were selling the house. We've been through this.

Oh, yes. We're definitely not selling the house. Not at all.

You've convinced me(!)

You do know I'm an estate agent? A terrible estate agent.

Ah! Jonny, can you go and have a shower, please? So I do know when people put a For Sale sign up

it usually means they're selling their house.

Jonny... Why didn't you ask me to help? Because you're shit at your job.

Argh! No, boys! I've got crisps in my eyes!

We were going to ask you, honestly, but we thought you'd get really upset.

So you ARE selling the house! Yeah! We're just having a little look around. God, what's wrong with that?

Aren't we allowed to have a life? No! No! We can't be expected to stay here forever. Why not?

Cos we've been here 28 bloody years. Do you know how long 28 bloody years is? I do.

Ten thousand two hundred and twenty bloody days. Oh...

So? So maybe now's the time for your father and me to think about moving somewhere a little smaller.

Smaller? What about us? You only come on Friday nights.

Thank God. But it's the family home. Yeah, Mum, the family home.

You can't sell the family home. The family home! Boys... It's just a building with walls and doors.

What do you mean? All right - and windows.

Is that all it means to you? What? Doesn't this house mean anything to you?

I suppose it keeps me dry. That'll be the roof(!) They do say it's the most important bit.

Look, if it makes you any happier, no one's made us an offer. OK?

An offer?! An offer?! No one's made an offer on the house. Can we all just have a nice Friday night dinner?

The Last Supper, you mean. Adam!

Yeah, the Last Supper. That's a shocking thing to say! Tell them, Martin. What? The Last Supper!

Oh, yes. I think we had lamb and potatoes.

Spanner. I can't believe you and Mum. Spanner. I was born here. Don't you even care? Spanner.

Is this a spanner? Does it look like a spanner? It's spanner-ish.

That's a wrench, you simpleton. Yeah, simpleton.

Spanner. What are you even doing? If it's something boring, you don't need to tell us.

Tightening the fan belt. You don't need to tell us. There. All done.

I don't know why I did that. Dinner!

Oh, squirrel! Dad... What?

You know what your mum's like when she gets a new idea. Meaning?

It's just one of her silly fads. Last week it was needlepoint.

You think? She's probably bored of the idea. Have you ever seen her needlepoint?

No. That's because she didn't buy any bloody needles.

Jonny, can you have your shower now, please? Now, really? The boy doesn't need a shower.

He definitely does. Can't he do his bits in the sink?

After dinner. I'm starving. That'll be too late. Too late for what?

We'll all be dead from the fumes?

Too late for what? Someone else is coming to look at the house.

Someone else?! Someone else?! Calm down! But Dad... I thought it was another needlepoint scenario.

Mum! Just to let you know, we will do everything in our power to stop you selling. Very good.

Starting with this. Jonny! Followed by this. In that shower!

God!

Ah! Bad luck, Pissface.

Oh! Bad luck, Pusface! Beetroot?! Jonny! Jonathan! Oh, God!

Beetroot on the carpet! Blot it, Adam. Blot it. Blot it? BLOT IT! Martin...

A cloth, quickly! How do I know how to blot it? Wait...

Ho ho. So dead.

Adam!

Martin, blot.

Hm?

Genius. KNOCK AT DOOR

One moment! What are you doing in there? Coming!

Pusface?

FLUSHES TOILET All right? What's wrong with the loo downstairs?

Hmm?

SHOWER COMES ON

Five seconds?

Uh?!

What?

Oh, my God! Scrub-a-dub-dub!

What is happening?! What is happening? ..Why is it all red? Why is it all red?!

Uh...!

But how did the beetroot end up in the shower head? All over Jonny, the walls, the carpet...

I'm telling you, I'm not doing any more bloody blotting tonight.

It's a real mystery. Just eat your bloody dinner. The Last Supper.

Please stop saying that. To think I was born in this house.

I was probably conceived here. Eugh, Adam, I'm eating!

What do you mean, "Eugh"? I don't want to think of you and dad doing your conceiving in this house,

not while I'm also in it. Who said your brother was conceived in this house? Sorry?!

Maybe he was conceived somewhere else. Was he?

If not in the house, where was it? The car. The car?!

That's where you were formed. Formed(!) Your mother's egg, my spermatozoa... Dad!

All right, Martin. What were you doing, doing it in Dad's car?

We were young. And randy.

Pusface, don't you want to know where you were "formed"? OK, where was Pissface formed?

I don't wanna know. I do! I don't remember. Martin, where was it?

The cemetery? The cemetery?!

I'm only joking, you berk! I can't remember where it was either.

Shame. Who cares where we did it? "Did it"! You're here now, you're alive... Yeah.

And wishing we'd never been born. Don't be so ungrateful! You two had a wonderful childhood!

In this house, which we're now flogging. Flogging. We are not!

Whatever. Whatever.

Boys!

Oh! Are we having an argument?

Are we not talking? Great! Then I'm going to get that thing.

Really? What thing?

Oh, this bloody thing. Lads, remember this? What is it?

You don't remember? Is it something from the inside of the toilet?

No! I found it in the shed. The conversation spindle. What?!

When you were little, if you'd had an argument... Every five seconds. ..I made this for you.

Which is...? First, give the thing a spin.

And it lands on a number from one to ten. Four.

And then four is...bridges. So we have a conversation about bridges.

Bridges? Or if it lands on a different number, there's...

Oh! My family. Capital cities. Horses.

Fascinating subjects(!) Go on, Adam. You have a spin.

OK.

Number six! Number six. The future of space travel. The future of space travel?

Now you talk about that. Seriously? All right, I'll help you.

Adam, what do you think...

is the future of space travel?

I've no idea! I know that. We're just having a conversation. OK...

The future of space travel. Er...

We'll all be...living on the Moon.

Rubbish!

All right, I... How are you going to fly seven billion bloody people, even more if it's in the future,

to the bloody Moon?! Martin! Idiot!

Oh, I remember this game now. What about all the stuff? Honestly?

The food, the building material. Where will we get bleeding water?!

All right, Dad! Living on the Moon! You need to get that head of yours out your backside and get real!

God, the Moon! I...