Jerry Seinfeld: I'm Telling You for the Last Time

I guess I knew this day would come.

The day I'd have to bury a friend...

maybe my best friend.

We've been through a lot together,

some ugly moments.

Remember when props came in,

the ventriloquism scare of '84.

Sure, there were times when people would make fun of you.

Imitating you.

"Hey, did you ever notice?"

"What's the deal with this?"

Who are these people?

Who are these people?!

Jerry, you're gonna make me go...

They say the hardest thing for a person to do is bury a loved one.

But those people never had material like this.

The Tide commercial.

"If you've got a T-shirt with blood stains all over it,

maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now."

I don't understand it.

He walks away from his show, he walks away from his act.

Are you sure this kid is Jewish?

He's Jewish. And don't ask me how I know.

It's just such a waste.

I mean, it all works.

Is there any cake?

Garry, what are you doing?

Listen, I got nothing on the post office.

-All right, take it. -Thanks.

Get outta here.

Did you ever see his act?

No, not really, man.

Did you?

Yeah, yeah. He was good.

But I was full of drugs.

Ed, did you ever see his act?

He did The Tonight Show many, many times.

But, no.

Jay, thanks a lot for being here. This means a lot.

Yeah, hey, when can you do the show again?

But I... I just retired all my material.

Is Carlin still around?

Why is it the best landscaping in the neighborhood is always in a cemetery?

Everybody's dead.

That's funny. You gonna do that?

-Do what? -The bit. Can I do that?

Well, that's not a bit. I'm just sayin'.

-I'm gonna do that. OK? -You can't do it. It's my bit.

If it's a bit, it's anybody's bit who does it.

But I said it first.

Come to think of it, I've been doing it for a while anyway.

Jerry, Alan King would like to meet you on his territory.

He'll guarantee security.

OK.

Hey!

Hey!

Mister, I know this is yours. Don't you want it?

Sorry, kid. I don't do this joke anymore.

Come on!

Look, I'm sorry. It's over.

But this is a solid bit! Please!

All right. But I'm telling you for the last time.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Seinfeld.

Thank you. Thank you.

That was very, very nice.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Standing ovation.

-Now I know there's always a... -

Excuse me?

Perfect start, sure. Thank you

I know it's not easy for an audience to give a standing ovation.

There's always a few people that don't really want to do it.

I've seen those people. They're always like...

"Are we doin' this now?"

So, anyway, I'm thrilled to be back here in New York.

I love how certain things about New York never change.

They're always constant, always there for you.

The cabbies and the BO.

What is with the BO and these guys?

How long are these shifts?

Can't we get this man a ten-minute break for a shower?

You're in the back, it's coming through the glass.

You're just going, "What in the...?"

I love it when they put that cherry pop stuff on the dashboard

so you get the cherry BO.

I don't know what that's supposed to be. Even fruit showers more often than this.

The funny thing about being in these cabs is that when you're in Manhattan

for some reason you don't get scared, no matter how fast the guy goes.

Well, you know, he's driving fast and recklessly...

but he's a professional.

He's got a cab driver's license, I can see it right there.

I don't even know what it takes to get a cab driver's license.

I think all you need is a face.

This seems to be their big qualification.

No blank heads are allowed driving cabs in this town.

Also helps to have a name with, like, eight consonants in a row.

Did you ever see some of the letters in these names?

What is the "O" with a line through it, by the way?

What planet is that from?

You need a chart of the elements if you wanna report the guy.

"Yes, officer, his name was Amal and then the symbol for Boron.

No, it's not Manganese. I had the periodic chart with me at the time."

But I love to travel. I love it whether it's a car or it's a plane.

I like to get out there, like to keep it moving.

I love airports.

Feels safe in airports thanks to the high caliber individuals

we have working at X-ray security.

How about this crack squad of savvy, motivated personnel?

The way you wanna set up your airport security, is you want the short,

heavyset women at the front with the skintight uniform.

That's your first line of defense.

You want those pants so tight, the flap in front of the zipper

has pulled itself open,

you can see the metal tangs hanging on for dear life.

Then you put the bag on the conveyor belt.

It goes through the little luggage car wash.

Then you have that other genius, down at the other end,

looking in the little X-ray TV screen.

This Einstein has chosen to stand in front of X-rays 14 hours a day...

as his profession.

Looking in that thing...

I have looked in that TV screen. I cannot make out one object.

He's standing there, "What is that? A hairdryer with a scope on it?

That looks OK. Keep it moving.

Some sort of bowling ball candle? Yeah, I got no problem with that, just...

You know, we don't wanna hold up the line."

So, I go to the bathroom in the airport.

What is the story on the sinks in airport bathrooms?

That they will not give us a twist-it-on twist-it-off, human-style faucet?

Is that too risky for the general population?

Too dangerous? We better install the one-handed, spring-loaded,

pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucet.

Those ones where you gotta go, "Hey, I got a little water there.

Hey, I got a couple of drops."

What is it they think we would do with a faucet?

Turn them all on full, run out into the parking lot,

laughing, pushing each other into the bushes?

"Come on, the water's on, let's go!

I turned it on full blast."

"You idiot! We're businessmen, we're gonna miss our plane."

"Who cares?! Water!"

That's how they think we'll behave.

Do the people that work in these little shops

in the airport have any idea what the prices are every place else in the world?

"Yeah, $14, tuna sandwich. We think that's fair.

That's what we charge in our country."

Then you get on the plane.

The pilot, of course, always has to come on the PA system.

This guy is so excited about being a pilot, he can't even stand himself.

"Well, I'm gonna take it up to about 20,000.

Then I'm gonna make a left by Pittsburg.

I'm gonna make a right by Chicago.

Then I'm gonna bring it down to 15,000."

He's giving the whole route, all his moves.

We're in the back going, "Yeah, fine.

You know, just do whatever the hell you gotta do. I don't know.

Just end up where it says on the ticket, really.

That's my only concern."

Do I bother him with what I'm doing?

Knocking on the cockpit door, "I'm having the peanuts now.

Yeah, that's what we're doing back here.

I thought I'd keep you posted.

I'm not gonna have them all now, I'm just gonna have a few.

I don't wanna finish it because it's such a big bag."

Then the stewardesses have to come out.

They have to do their little emergency equipment show.

That thing they do. One of them reads it, the other one acts it out.

Hey, we have seat belts and oxygen masks

Things for you to use

They show you how to use a seat belt,

in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

"Oh, you lift up on the buckle! Oh!

I was trying to break the metal apart.

I thought that's how it works.

I was gonna try and tear the fabric part of the belt.

I thought if I could just get it started..."

Then they're always pointing out the emergency exits,

always with that very vague point though, isn't it?

Where the hell would these places be, would you say?

The plane's at a 90-degree angle, your hair is on fire,

you're looking for this.

How you think you're gonna do there?

She's thinking, "I'm getting out before you're getting out.

You're dead, you're dead, I'm gone."

They always have to close that first class curtain, too.

They always give you that little look.

"Maybe if you had worked a little harder...

I wouldn't have to do this."

It's a whole tiny world on the airplane, isn't it?

There's always that little tiny table there, tiny computer,

everyone's in little cramped seats, tiny food, tiny utensils,

tiny liquor bottles, tiny bathroom, tiny sink, tiny mirror, tiny faucet.

There's always a small problem, gonna be a slight delay,

we'll be a little late.

I always go in the airplane bathroom, even if I don't have to go,

I gotta go in there.

It's nice. It's like your own little apartment on the plane, isn't it?

You go in there, lock the door, the light comes on after a second.

It's like a little surprise party.

But I'm always impressed with the amount of equipment