The Quick and the Dead

It's 50 feet north of the wagon.

Or was it 50 feet south of the wagon?

I can't remember!

You ain't gonna take my gold, mister! No, sir!

Asshole.

I'm gonna kill you, bitch.

Damn you!

Don't you leave me here. I'm gonna kill you if I ever see you again!

I'll kill you, so help me!

I am gonna kill you, bitch!

Five-foot-8. Am I right?

I ain't never wrong.

That's a girl. Thanks very much.

- How about a room? - Whores next door.

- Say that again. - I say, whores next door.

Now, do you have a room available?

Room in back. Yes, ma'am. Coming up. Coming up, coming up.

Katie, let's go get the lady a room and a bath.

Barkeep, I want a bottle of champagne.

- Yes, sir. - And don't you dare open it.

I wanna know what I'm drinking.

Wanna play poker, little lady?

Looks like you're having a good time playing with yourself.

It's a very special pack.

See, I put an ace in every time I kill a man.

Interested in first-class whiskey?

I also have very fine cigars, India ink.

- Perfume. - Just shine my boots.

John Herod owns that house.

He gets 50 cents of every dollar in this town.

- What's the town get? - It gets to live.

Another gun in town.

- Hi, Scars. - Shut up.

Stand back.

Where's...?

Well, that makes...

...fifteen.

I just got out of prison.

Congratulations.

- I got 35 years, but they let me out early. - How long did you do this time?

Three days.

- You're pretty. - You're not.

- I need a woman. - You need a bath.

I'm so clumsy, I must be blind.

Try to understand, we prayed to God a man like you would come to help us.

Well, maybe you should have called your priest.

- This is strictly business. - I have these candelabra.

- What are they worth? - Two hundred dollars.

Two hundred? Not good enough. Is that it?

Don't mind my daddy. He's just stupid.

You look like you been riding a long time.

Where have you come from? Are you here for the contest?

Because I never seen a woman carry a gun before.

Bet you're a good shot. Maybe you could...

I guess I'd better go now.

Gold teeth! I got some gold teeth.

All sizes.

Gold teeth! I got uppers, I got lowers.

You're wasting my time.

Quiet!

Quiet!

I now declare the quick-draw competition open!

Each man who enters the contest will fight once a day.

Anybody can challenge anybody.

The time of the fight...

- ...will be pulled from a hat. - Hey, sweetheart.

- Hey. - For the duration of the contest...

- ...every fighter is entitled... - Here you go.

...to whatever he wants...

- ...courtesy of Mr. Herod. - All right!

But the man who wins the contest gets this:

One hundred and twenty-three thousand dollars.

Compliments of Mr. Herod and Wells Fargo.

All right, gentlemen.

What do you say?

Do we have any real gunmen in this room?

- That's a matter of opinion. - Do we?

Yes!

Gutzon.

I'm Swedish champion.

Mr. Gutzon is the first to go up.

Anyone else?

Put an ace up there. Everyone will know what that means.

- Ace Hanlon! - Yeah, Ace Hanlon.

Think you better put me and my friend Eugene on the list.

You know how to spell your name?

I ain't say nothing about joining no contest.

Do I hear clucking? Did somebody bring a chicken in here?

- Settle down, Eugene. Settle down. - I'll take you now with my bare hands!

No, no, no. You see, it's a gunfight. We both have guns.

We aim. We fire. You die.

You'll get the idea.

The fighting begins tomorrow on the street, not in here.

- Put my name up there. - All right.

Anybody else?

- Sergeant Cantrell. - How do you spell that?

Correctly.

- Anyone else? - Spotted Horse!

Many white men will leave this town in wooden boxes.

Right. Spotted Horse. Do we have any other fighters?

Put my damn name up!

Scars! S-C-A-R-S.

Gene, you better start practicing.

- I'm worth $3000 in four states. - Anybody else?

Seventy-five offenses and no convictions.

My name's Fee, but...

...everyone calls me the Kid.

Congratulations.

Montoya!

I'm so damn fast, I can wake up at dawn...

...rob two banks, a train and a stagecoach...

...shoot the tail feathers off a duck's ass at 300 feet...

...and still be back in bed before you wake up next to me.

- How you doing? - Do we have any more fighters?

- Just fine. - Yeah.

Virgil Sparks. The pride of Texas.

Virgil Sparks joins the list.

Horace said you drink this. Sure must wanna die young, miss.

I do now.

Hey, where's that girl at? Where's that girl at?

We got a lot of spaces here! Let's fill them up, men.

- I'm gonna put my name up. - Put my name up there.

Put my name up on this goddamn list.

- How many brave men do we have? - There are 12 right now, Mr. Herod.

Thirteen, if you count Foy, but he and Ratsy aren't back yet.

They'll be here.

Just running a little errand for me.

- Add my name to the list. - Attaboy!

Yes, sir.

Get in there!

- We beat the hell out of him. - Shit, he ain't nothing.

Hello, Cort.

I was beginning to worry you wouldn't make it in time. It's been a while.

I hear you have a mission down in Hermosillo.

Is that right?

Your own little piece of heaven?

Sunshine and cactus flowers...

...and you and the orphan children praying for salvation.

We burned that mission down, sir, just like you said.

All that work, Cort...

...those years of hard work...

...destroyed for no reason.

It must make you angry.

You used to be fast.

Are you still fast?

Don't I get an answer?

Have you taken a vow of silence?

I said, are you still fast?

Faster than you.

But I have renounced violence.

We'll see.

- String him up. - Let's get him outside!

No, in here. On the chair.

We're gonna adjust your collar, Reverend.

Shit, come on. Pull him up, Foy.

Let me make it clear.

- I want you in that contest. - No.

Think about it.

Last chance.

- Yes or no? - Go to hell.

Sign me up.

No women in quick draw. It's against the rules!

There's no rule against ladies.

It's just that women can't shoot for shit.

That's right.

Adios, Reverend.

- Put them both in the contest. - Free drinks for all fighters!

Move it, preacher.

Let's chain him up out by the fountain.

- Come back here! - No!

You come here now! Do you hear me?

Daddy!

Hey, good morning.

Seems like you definitely had a good time last night.

Want some breakfast?

- Or how about a little... - Christ.

...of what we had last night?

Yeah, you certainly won that drinking contest, that's for sure.

Then again, I sort of won you in poker.

Look.

The last thing I remember was you puking and passing out...

...behind the saloon, so let's not plan the wedding yet.

All right, all right.

This thing is so hard. I don't know how you sleep on it.

If I don't sleep on it, people will steal it.

- So who you gonna challenge today? - Herod.

Bad idea. Bad idea.

I'm about the only guy who can take him, and I ain't gonna rush to do that.

- Well, why not? - Well, hell, he's my father.

Hey.

You been challenged to a fight yet?

You have now. I'll go get us a time.

These are my boys. They don't get to church much.

Daddy's gonna kill you, preacher!

- Get him! Get him! - I hate you!

You suck!

- Daddy! Daddy! - Daddy!

- Daddy! - Sleep well?

Not as well as you.

In case you forgot, preacher, I saved your life last night.