Family Tools

What the hell you doing? Sorting my nuts?

Dad, how did you ever work like this?

You've got bolts, screws, nuts, old band-aids...

- is that a finger? - No.

Just a tip.

Dad, it's chaos.

If I'm gonna run this business,

I need to know where everything is.

I know where everything is. It's in there.

Aah!

You're not allowed to eat steak.

Aunt Terry's not gonna like this.

Aunt Terry's not gonna find out.

Is she?

Whoa, whoa. What on earth are those?

Remember the, uh,

- the curtains I made? - Yeah, hated them.

Well, I turned them into pillows you can hate.

Mission accomplished.

Just so you know, I will also hate them

as place mats, socks, or beer cozies.

Oh, well, how about I line your coffin with them?

Yeah. Great. Even in the afterlife, I'll be ass-deep

in your beadwork and decoupage.

Why do you keep making this crap?

I'm a masseuse.

I spend all day making other people feel good.

I hate it.

If I don't have an artistic outlet, I'll go insane.

I think they're creative.

I like them, Aunt Terry.

I like them, Aunt Terry.

I do.

What exactly do you like about them, Jack?

The...

dad has a steak sandwich.

Damn it, Tony!

God!

Come on! I haven't had a heart attack in days!

That's right. If I'm going down, you're going down with me.

Jack: I'm a small-town guy

who took over his dad's fix-it business

after he decided to retire.

My aunt takes care of him, whether he likes it or not.

Her son is weird.

Now I'm the boss.

Dad's assistant works for me, sort of.

His sister likes me, I think.

Being in charge is tough, but nothing I can't handle.

I'll fix that!

All right, Darren.

Hand me the five-in-one.

Darren?

What are you doing?

It's laundry day.

Oh, do you want to throw something in?

We're working.

Oh, suddenly housework isn't work.

Very sexist, Jack.

Pants on. Now.

My rash is on your conscience.

It'll haunt me at night. Can you hand me that five-in-one?

Uh, wet clothes? Electricity? I don't think so.

Hey!

What are you guys doing here?

What are you doing here?

Uh, somebody from this address booked a massage.

Yeah, that was me.

I need to destress.

You wouldn't believe how he's been riding me all day.

"Hand me a wrench. Put on your pants."

He's not getting a massage.

Now I'm not getting a massage. It never ends with this guy.

Oh, my God.

Who lives here? Spongebob?

This place is making me seasick.

- Barf ahoy! - Hey, Ms. Dawson.

This is my Aunt Terry.

She's working on some... would you like a massage?

Yeah, dad, I'm super popular,

and girls are breaking my door down.

Whoa, whoa! Ladies!

I'm talking with my dad in Afghanistan.

So, what's new with you?

Oh, you know. Same old, same old.

Same old, same old?

Your dad's a hero!

He is? What'd he do?

Dude, our Humvee flipped over, caught fire,

and this maniac dragged me to safety!

Your dad saved my life

and I'm getting him fall-down drunk!

Hooah!

Wow.

Well, I'll talk to you next week, son.

Make me proud.

I will make you proud!

You hear that, ladies?

Oh. Right.

And what are you doing tonight, beautiful?

You, big boy.

- Really? - Yes, Gary.

But first I want you to go home,

take a shower,

wash off all that plaster,

and then read a giant book on sarcasm.

I got this! I got this!

Mason, what... what are you doing?

I'm saving Gary's life!

- He's not dying. - What?

You led me on. That's not cool, Gary.

I'm tired of making stuff up to impress my dad.

I got to do something real.

I think you cracked my rib.

You think my dad's gonna care about a cracked rib?

Way to go, Gary.

- How long is this gonna go on? - I don't know.

It kind of reminds me of my prom.

It's not what you think. I was the one crying.

That's not better.

Maybe I was a little out of line.

You know, I should've kept my mouth shut

about your horrendous taste.

No, you're right! It's awful!

I knew in my heart it was,

but everyone said it's classy!

Help me.

Oh.

Well, okay.

I mean, just off the top of my head,

um, lose the whale jaw

'cause it's big and it takes up a lot of space,

and... it's a whale jaw.

It's gone. What else?

Okay. Well, how about, uh...

- that ridiculous chandelier? - Burn it!

I'm thinking forget nautical, you know, it's dated.

You need something fresh, something now...

Navajo!

I love it.

Oh, bless you.

I'm gonna order that dream catcher chandelier right away.

- Dawson: Thanks, Terry! - You're welcome.

Can you believe what just happened in there?

She loved every idea I threw at her!

It was such a rush!

I just transformed that tasteless woman's life.

- Good job. - Thank you.

And thank you... the adobe plasterwork alone

will keep us busy for a week.

Oh, my God. You're so right! I didn't even think of it.

This is good for you guys, too. It's perfect!

What's perfect?

Us. In business together.

Uh... I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know? Come on.

You said so yourself... you think I'm creative, so...

Well, I did say that, didn't I?

Uh, so...

there would be no logical reason I wouldn't agree with you.

Yes! Okay. Good. Shotgun!

- -

Nice job, captain.

Yes. I am the captain.

Don't worry. I have this under control.

Don't tell my dad.

Aah! Geez!

What have you done, Jack?

Dad, I... I think you're overreacting.

Overreacting?

You let your aunt sink her claws into our business.

You've ruined us, Jack. Ruined us.

Oh, that's the first time you called it "our business."

That's nice.

Would you stop trying to turn every argument into a hug?

She's gonna take over.

Aunt Terry would never do that to me.

And we have an awesome relationship.

It was actually kind of nice to see her out there like that.

Yeah, except she's terrible.

Well, yeah, but I don't want to tell her that.

I know what it's like to not have someone support you.

You want support? Go buy a jock strap, Sally.

And there it is. See, dad?

You like to crush people,

but I'm not you.

I'm gonna let the clients crush her.

And then, when they reject her "ideas," she'll take the hint.

She's incapable of taking a hint.

She was supposed to move in here

for like three months after your mom died.

That was five years ago, Jack.

I have it under control.

Here, she's my Aunt Terry. Out there, she's my employee.

Phew. That makes me feel better.

Because I've seen how well you handle your other employee.

- Darren, stop it. - Oh. Sorry, man.

Darren, stop it!

Whoops. My bad. You're good now.

Darren, stop! That's an order!