Seinfeld

The bad thing about television

is that everybody you see on television

is doing something better than what you're doing.

You never see anybody on TV,

like, just sliding off the front of the sofa

with potato chip crumbs on their face.

Some people have a little too much fun on television.

The soda commercial people.

Where do they summon this enthusiasm?

Have you seen them?

"We have soda! We have soda! We have soda!"

Jumping, laughing, flying through the air.

Jumping, laughing, flying through the air.

It's a can of soda.

Have you ever been standing there

and you're watching TV

and you're drinking the exact product

that they're advertising right there on TV?

And it's like, you know,

they're spiking volleyballs, jet skiing, girls in bikinis...

and I'm standing there,

"Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."

So then, as we were leaving,

we were just kind of standing there,

and she was sort of smiling at me.

I wasn't sure if she wanted me to ask her out.

When women smile at me, I don't know what it means.

Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic,

and I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back,

I don't know what to do, so I stood there like...

Remember how Quayle looked

when Bentsen gave him that Kennedy line?

That's what I looked like.

You didn't ask? No, I froze.

Counter. Oh. Yeah.

So wait, wait.

Half-hour later, I'm back at the office,

I tell Lloyd the whole story.

He says, "So why don't you call her?"

He says, "So why don't you call her?"

I says, "I can't." I couldn't do it right then.

For me to ask a woman out,

I've got to get into a mental state,

like the karate guys before they break the bricks.

So then, Lloyd calls me a wuss.

He said "wuss"?

Yeah. Anyway, he shamed me into it.

So you called?

Right.

And to cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple,

because I think if they hear you chewing

on the other end of the phone,

it makes you sound casual.

Yeah, like a farm boy.

Right. So, I call her up, I tell her it's me.

She gives me an enthusiastic "Hi."

She gives me an enthusiastic "Hi."

Oh. Enthusiastic hi, that's beautiful.

I don't get the enthusiastic hi, I'm out of there.

All right, so you're chewing your apple,

you got your enthusiastic hi, go ahead.

So, we're talking,

and I don't like to go too long before I ask them out.

I want to get it over with right away,

so I just blurt out,

"What are you doing Saturday night?"

And?

She bought.

Great day in the morning.

Then I got off the phone right away.

Sure, it's like robbing a bank.

You don't loiter around in front of the teller

holding that big bag of money.

You make your hit and get out.

You make your hit and get out.

It's amazing.

We both have dates the same night.

I can't remember the last time that happened.

I can't stand doing laundry.

That's why I have 40 pairs of underwear.

You do not. Absolutely,

because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear.

My goal is to have over 360 pair.

That way, I only have to do wash once a year.

Come on, try it.

Let me hear you try a Scottish accent.

That's Irish.

That's Irish.

Irish, Scottish, what's the difference, lassie?

So, uh, thanks for dinner. It was great.

Yeah.

We should do this again.

Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee?

Oh, no, thanks.

I can't drink coffee late at night.

I keeps me up.

Oh. So, um...

Okay.

Okay.

Good night.

Yeah, take it easy.

Thanks again for the movie.

You're welcome.

I'd invite you up, but the place is being painted.

Oh, that's okay.

Unless you want to go to your place.

Okay, but there's no cake or anything,

Okay, but there's no cake or anything,

if that's what you're looking for.

Take it easy...

Take it easy!

I think if one's going to kill oneself,

the least you could do is leave a note.

It's common courtesy.

I don't know...

that's just the way I was brought up.

Values are important.

Oh, so important.

So, what are you doing Thursday night?

You want to have dinner?

Thursday's great.

Thursday's great.

Tan pants.

Why do I buy tan pants, Donna?

I don't feel comfortable in them.

Are those cotton Dockers?

Oh, I can't begin to tell you

how much I hate that commercial.

Really?

I like that commercial.

You like that commercial?

Yeah, it's clever.

Yeah, it's clever.

Now, wait a second.

You mean the one where the guys are all standing around,

supposedly being very casual and witty?

Yeah, that's the one.

What could you possibly like about that?

I don't know. I like the guys.

Yeah, they're so funny

and so comfortable with each other,

and I could be comfortable too,

if I had pants like that.

I could sit on a porch and wrestle around

and maybe even be part of a real bull session.

Hey, I know guys like that.

Hey, I know guys like that.

To me, the dialogue rings true.

Even if the dialogue did ring true...

Even if somehow, somewhere, men actually talked like that,

what does that have anything to do with the pants?

Doesn't that bother you?

That's the idea.

That is what is clever about it,

that they're not talking about the pants.

But they're talking about nothing!

That's the point! I know the point!

No one is telling you to like it.

I mean, all those quick shots of the pants.

I mean, all those quick shots of the pants.

Just pants, pants, pants,

pants, pants, pants.

What is that supposed to be?

What's brutal about the date

is the scrutiny that you put each other through,

because whenever you think about this person

in terms of the future,

you have to magnify everything about them.

You know, like, the guy will be, like,

"I don't think her eyebrows are even.

"I don't think her eyebrows are even.

Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?"

And, of course,

the woman's looking at the guy thinking,

"What is he looking at?

"Do I want someone

looking at me like this for the rest of my life?"

I'm supposed to see her again on Thursday,

but can I go out with someone

that actually likes this commercial?

I once broke up with a guy

because he didn't keep his bathroom clean enough.

No kidding?

Did you tell him that was the reason?

Oh yeah, I told him all the time.

You would not have believed his tub.

You would not have believed his tub.

Germs were building a town in there.

They were constructing offices.

Houses near the drain were going for $150,000.

Hi.

You're still thinking about this?

She invites me up at 12:00 at night

for coffee.

And I don't go up.

And I don't go up.

"No thank you, I don't want coffee.

"It keeps me up.

Too late for me to drink coffee."

I said this to her.