Conan O'Brien Must Go

Earth.

A cradle for unimaginable beauty

and staggering wonder.

Incomprehensible, overwhelming,

this planet mocks our feeble power to describe it.

Yes, to truly appreciate the astounding grandeur

of this planet, sometimes you must defile it.

Behold the defiler.

His character is vile, base, and depraved.

Once a proud talk show host,

he has been driven by a changing ecosystem

to a drier and harsher climate...

the weekly podcast.

Here, without the nourishment of his studio audience,

this clown with dull, tiny eyes,

the eyes of a crudely painted doll,

is forced to feed on that meagerest of morsels,

the random call-in fan.

Unhinged by the feral scent of their mild enthusiasm,

he scavenges in distant lands uninvited,

fueled by a bottomless hunger for recognition

and the occasional selfie.

This is madness.

This is lunacy.

This is chaos.

This is "Conan O'Brien Must Go."

Norway.

Hey, Conan.

My name is Jarle, and I'm from Bergen, Norway.

Let me say this correctly.

And first of all, nice to meet you, Jarle?

Yeah, yeah, that's pretty good, yeah.

Tell us a little bit about yourself.

You seem like a nice, cool chap.

I make Norwegian pop, like funk music with my cousin.

- Wait, do you have a group? - Yeah.

We have a group called E.D.A.

Can you rap in Norwegian for me?

- Okay, check it. - Check it.

Wow! I like that.

You should try.

Yes!

I wanna be a hit on the Norwegian pop charts.

Is that a possibility?

That is an above 0% possibility.

I cannot say that it's over 1%,

but it's, like, definitely like...

Well, come on.

In the mid-zeros.

- Listen... okay. - Mid zeros!

You.

Jarle, it was really nice talking to you.

Let me know if you guys are over here.

A package for Jarle.

What?

A package for Jarle.

Yeah, coming.

Did that sound like me?

Hey, y'all, come on out here.

- Holy shit. - Ha, ha! Look.

Oh, my God.

Conan.

Yeah, I came to see you.

You came all this way just for me?

Yes!

- Oh, my God. - Just for you.

- I... - You're trembling.

Wow, this is crazy.

I'm in my goddamn Crocs out here.

That's you in your Crocs. That's okay.

That's okay.

It's so nice to meet you. - Likewise.

- Yeah. - 100%. Wow.

So you didn't know I was coming?

No, not at all.

Yes!

Fantastic.

Wow. Show me the apartment first.

Do you mind if I just check out what you got in here?

Go for it.

So you have one Corona,

and you don't even keep it in the fridge.

I don't like that beer.

I don't know where it came from.

You don't have a lot of food.

Look at this. Look at that.

He has one spoon.

What's your deal?

You... look, you have left this open.

And it got stale, and it's a solid block.

It's not supposed to be like that.

Look at that!

That's crazy.

How old is this bread?

One week.

One week, and you've left it open.

That's your bread.

This is your bread.

You know what's so great about this bread?

You can use it to break up the cereal.

I use it for something else.

Look at this! Look at this.

These are your goddamn potatoes.

Did you know these were sprouting?

I haven't opened that drawer in, like, a month.

Seriously, this is a huge problem.

You can't live like this. - No.

How long have you had this bed spread?

Probably since I was a little kid.

Since you were, like, a little boy.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Where would I stay if I stayed here?

And you're on there.

Jarle, I'm gonna be honest with you.

This absolutely blows.

I see that now.

Jarle, I noticed that there is a receipt

behind you that's been framed.

What's that receipt for?

So this was just a joke I had with a buddy of mine

after I was at a store, the total value.

Oh, 69.69.

So it's a 69 joke.

And you fucking framed it.

Jarle, you have a band. What's it called?

- E.D.A. - What's that?

- E.D.A. - One more time.

It's E.D.A.

You got it.

Yeah.

How's that band going?

Oh, that's going great.

We're having a concert tomorrow.

Jarle, what time is your show tomorrow?

Show tomorrow is at, like, 23:30, whatever.

From now on, as long as we're friends,

when you discuss time with me,

we use the American system, okay?

I guess above, like, 12 numbers

is too high, like too...

Don't fuck around with me, Jarle, okay?

I'll wipe the floor with you,

which actually might be a good idea...

Because I think you'd pick up

a lot of lint as I drag you around.

I'm definitely gonna check out your show.

I would love for that too.

And I also wanna help your career.

If I give you advice and get you help, will you accept it?

- 100%. - Okay.

After leaving Jarle's apartment,

I had to deal with a pressing issue...

my missing luggage.

My luggage is gone... yeah, completely gone.

It's gone. They don't care.

What happened is, uh,

flew from LA to London,

London to Oslo,

Oslo to Bergen.

Somewhere along the way, gone.

Anyway, not to worry.

The hotel said they sell clothing

right across the street, so I came over here.

And check it out.

Problem solved.

Hi, hi.

What is your name? - Dagfinn.

- Dagfinn. - Yep.

Kids teased me when I was a kid because my name was Conan.

And your name is "Dogfinn." - Yeah, yeah.

And nothing... no one teased you, right?

- No, nothing like that. - Yeah.

How's your friend Fishface?

Is he okay?

Quick question... I just picked this up.

Is this how people dress in Norway?

No. No, no.

One "no" is fine.

Why'd you do three no's?

Because it's more, eh, ridiculous.

- This is ridiculous? - Yeah, yeah.

They sold me this.

They said that people wear this in Norway.

That's not true.

- Nobody wears this? - No.

You're saying I look foolish right now?

Yes.

Dogfinn, if I can call you "Dogfinn,"

you don't sugarcoat it, do you?

You tell it just as it is. - Yes.

- So I look like a fool? - Yes, today.

Do you think the women would like this outfit?

No.

Not today.

Do you think a guy might like this outfit?

No, no.

No one would like this outfit?

Yes, that's correct.

So far all you've done is shoot me down.

Yes.