Tiny Furniture

Honey, I'm home.

Family?

We're downstairs.

Can you move your right toe, like, slightly towards me?

- Just a little bit more. - It hurts.

- Perfect. - Hi.

- Hey, sweetie. - Hey.

Look, my feet really, really hurt. You know I'm not good on high heels.

We'll be done in one minute. Just one more roll.

How come you never use me in any pictures?

- You're never here. - Plus, my legs are longer and more supple.

Come say hi, sweetie.

Come give me a kiss.

- Hi. - We'll be done really soon.

How about if we order dinner, and I let you choose what you want?

How long are you gonna be staying in our house?

Last I checked, it's my house too. I have a whole bedroom.

You used to have a whole bedroom. It's my special space now.

Candice, can you...

come and move the couch on the left...

like, oh, one inch towards the window?

- Hey, Candice. - Hey, Aura.

Some boxes came for you, so I put them in your bedroom.

- Not your bedroom. - Thank you. I think you're being mean.

I think you're being oversensitive.

I just got off a plane from Ohio. I'm in a postgraduate delirium.

I think you sound like you're in the epilogue to Felicity.

The guy I thought I was gonna marry just moved to Colorado.

- Cut me some slack. - You were not gonna marry him.

He's like a little speck of granola on a bowl of homemade yogurt.

You know, I always said he was really a sweet guy...

and like, the perfect first boyfriend, like...

the way a college boyfriend should be.

So basically you're saying I wasted two years of my life on a speck of granola?

No. Regret is a complete waste of time.

I never think about my 20s, and I absolutely don't look back.

Could you turn on your lamp? I don't like overhead light.

The bulb is blown.

Replace it.

I don't know where they are.

Lazy.

You're gonna call me lazy?

You're the one who does everything with, like, Gumby arms.

What are you talking about?

Maybe the fact that every time I ask you to help me with anything...

you do it with, like, limp, rubbery arms...

that make me wish I had just handled it myself.

Do you really want to start this right now? Do you want to start this?

Start what?

I have, like, a million things I could say right now.

- Like what? - Like, "Get a fucking lightbulb."

- Oh, it's ridiculous. It's a museum. - Mom?

It's all forms and registrars. I need to figure out how to be a diva.

- Siri? - Hold on a second.

- What? I'm on the phone. - I need a lightbulb.

In the white cabinet.

All right. Sorry.

What's a harridan, anyway?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that's what I have to learn to be.

Yeah, he tries to take out three-quarters of my work...

48 hours before the show opens.

Yeah. You're gonna help me figure this out. Exactly.

"June 28, 1974.

Enough bullshit about chronology.

It doesn't really matter lately what I do and who calls me when.

It matters more what I'm thinking, which is that I haven't been making art...

yet I have a fierce desire to be an artist.

Having a body of my own work seems more like security to me than anything.

Setting up a studio, having shows, seems like...

one of the few worthwhile things there is for me to do.

Today I ate zucchini bread, cheese crackers, wine."

Mornin'.

- It's wakey-uppy time. - Mom, why?

Well, I just think if you're home with us...

it would be good if you were a little bit on our schedule.

Ma, I just graduated. I just want to sleep a little bit.

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Wow. It smells a little stale in here. Did you perspire in the night?

Oh, my God. Please get out of my room.

I'm thinking maybe we need to wash the sheets, or perhaps we need a shower?

- Oh, please get out. - Upsy-daisy.

- Please get out of my room. Please! - I'm outta here.

Oh, my God.

Fuck.

Hi.

- I'm awake now. - Great.

Did you see that e-mail about loan forms?

'Cause that's not supposed to go here. It's supposed to go to the gallery.

- Yeah, I saw that. I'll e-mail them. - Thank you.

Am I not allowed to come down here in my pajamas?

I don't care.

Candice, I really appreciate you letting me keep Gilda down here.

The cats are being very lusty towards her.

- No problem. She's really cute. - What are you doing today, love?

I think I'm gonna go to a party tonight.

And I hate to be vulgar, but I have to ask you for some money.

Upstairs in the white cabinet you can find my purse.

- Hi, hi, hi. - Hello!

- How you doin'? - How you doin'?

I'm doin'. I'm in the library.

All the freshmen arrived today, and I cruised them so hard.

I watched them all moving into their dorms...

all the minifridges and collapsible hampers...

and posters of Gustav Klimt's The Kiss.

- Are you done with your research? - As done as I'm gonna be.

You know, it's-it's hard to completely close the door...

on "modes of Western femininity"...

but my grant is up and my housing ends next week.

I'm jealous. I've been home for a day, and I miss it already.

I don't know. I think this summer was the dreamiest one of my life.

Are you kidding?

You were miserable. You spent half your time with me in the library.

Oh, and stopped eating gluten and kept threatening to decamp for India.

That's totally right. But oh, my God.

I found my mom's journals from when she was our age.

They're unbelievable. I'm reading them illegally.

And she also had a hippie boyfriend who had to go find his destiny. Listen to this.

"Making love with Eric tends to be more fun than passionate.

No, that's an absurd generalization. It's different every time."

This part's a little gross. I don't even want to read this.

"But I'm getting on the bus to go to New York.

I cried in bed last night so much because I was so confused...

and because I love Eric so much and I'm afraid of losing him...

but he needs to be on the farm."

Owen needs to be on the farm.

The funny farm.

Aren't you a little glad that he's not moving with you?

I don't know. I miss him.

Oh, but Frankie, I miss you more. Get here already.

I'll be there soon, okay?

- I love you. - I love you too.

Shalom. Hubba hubba.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Really good to see you. - Good to see you too.

- You look so pretty. - Oh, are you serious?

I feel this outfit just screams, like, "I've been living in Ohio for four years.

Take me back to your gross apartment and have sex with me."

No, you look great. You look so special.

And I saw that your dyslexic stripper video got, like, 400 hits.

That's embarrassing. That one's not even that good.

- No. You know everyone, right? Come on in. - I don't know.

You can just put your bag in here.

Come here.

So I want to introduce you to this boy Jed.

He's so witty and so special, just like you.

You guys are gonna get along really great.

He can be kind of grumpy sometimes, but kind of in a cool way.

He has this show on YouTube where he rides...

this rocking horse and talks to fake enemies.

Oh, my God. I think I know who that is.

- It's the Nietschian Cowboy, right? - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. He's the same guy who does the Skeptical Gynecologist videos.

- Yeah, you've seen those? - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. You think they're funny? - I do think they're funny.

- He's a little bit famous. - Yeah, I guess so...

in, like, an Internet kind of way.

But we met at this comedy show.

It was really lame, and he really liked my monologue.

Oh, my God.

Are you so sad about your boyfriend?

I am really sad. It's been a really hard few weeks.

I always knew he was gonna have to take this journey...

but I just didn't expect it was gonna be so soon.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah. - And then, like -

Okay.

Hi.

Jed, this is my so-special friend, Aura.

Hello, so-special friend Aura.

- Hi. It's nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

I'm actually a big fan of your work on the YouTube.

Aw shucks.

I, um, actually thought you lived in Chicago -

maybe because your MySpace profile says you live in Chicago.

I do live in Chicago. I'm here on business.

- Oh, cool. What kind of business? - Top-secret business.

- Government stuff. - Hmm.

- Aura does really cool videos too. - Oh, cool.

I thought you told me there was gonna be some grinding at this party -

like, straight-up, eighth-grade-style grinding.

Oh, no. I meant eighth-grade-style crying.

- Oh, "crying." - We're all gonna cry together.

- I see. My mistake. - So how long are you in town for?

- Uh, I'm in town for roughly - - Oh, my God.

Oh, my fucking God.

Charlotte. Oh, my God. Charlotte.

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry I slapped you. I'm just so overwhelmed.

Aura! Aura!

- Are you here? Are you here? - I'm here.

I know Ashlynn, so, yeah, I'm here.

This girl has been my best friend since I'm one.

- Since I'm... less. Zero. - It's true.

Our moms used to rub their stomachs together when they were pregnant with us.

They were the best friends ever...

until my mom got into Landmark Forum...

and Tony Robbins and ran off to Wyoming and opened a really dumb...

bed-and-breakfast.

And it's certainly sad. Now they only speak once a year.

So, how's college in Ontario?