Two and a Half Men

It seems to me that it would be more fair if everybody on both basketball teams was the same height.

That's how it seems to you, huh?

Yeah, like in boxing.

Heavyweights fight heavyweights.

Lightweights fight lightweights.

So, in your world, everybody on a basketball team would be, say, 6'5*,

and they'd only play other teams that were 6'5*.

Exactly. That way, no one would have an unfair advantage.

That's very interesting.

You really think so?

No, but it's less likely to start a fight than ** That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. **

And yet, you said it anyway.

Listen, I've got to talk to you about something.

Okay, dumb was a poor choice of words.

It's not about that.

Can it wait till halftime?

No.

I've got to go to a funeral this weekend.

Oh, man, I'm sorry. Who died?

My ex-mother-in-law.

That couldn't wait till halftime?

Charlie.

I'm just saying she'll still be dead at halftime.

I was very close to her and I want to pay my respects, so I'm going to Santa Barbara,

and I'll be spending the weekend with my ex-husband.

Oh, okay.

Define with.

Well, everyone's staying at his parents' house.

All right... well, do you want me to come with you?

- No. - Great.

- Why not? - Do you want to come?

Hell, no.

That's what I figured.

Look, I just want to be up-front with you.

I was married to Alex for eight years, and I just don't want you to get the wrong idea.

I wouldn't have had any idea if you hadn't felt the need to tell me.

Yeah, well, I don't want us to have any secrets from each other.

Oh, I agree. We definitely should not have secrets.

- Right. - You know, from this point forward.

What kind of guy is this Alex?

He's a good guy. We just got married too young and wanted different things.

He wanted something different than your things?

'Cause your things are terrific.

Thank you.

He didn't go gay on you, did he?

- No. - Rats.

- Are you jealous? - No, no. Of course not.

I mean, maybe a little. You know, in the sense that his mother's dead.

Two and a Half men Season 06 - Episode 16 ** She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime **

I miss you, too, honey. How was the funeral?

Yeah, I guess they're all pretty sad.

Probably why they don't call them fun-erals.

Yeah, that was lame.

So, where are you now, at the house?

And where is your ex-husband?

And where is his room in relationship to yours?

Hey, hey, it's got nothing to do with jealousy.

I just know, based on a lifetime of experience,

that penises do not observe a traditional mourning period.

Forget it, you are not driving my car until you get a learner's permit.

- Not even in the driveway? - Not anywhere.

What if you have a heart attack? Can I drive you to the hospital?

- No, call an ambulance. - Fine.

If they don't get here in time, can I have your car?

There's my posse. What are we doing tonight, boys?

Think big. It's my treat.

- Drunk? - Probably.

Where is Chelsea?

She had to go out of town.

Oh, so your girlfriend's gone for a couple of days.

- Now, suddenly, you have time for us? - Yeah.

You ever think that maybe Jake and I already have plans?

That our lives go on even when you're not around?

That we don't just pop into existence the moment you need us?

I'm free.

Me, too. I'm just making a point.

So, what's it going to be? A movie, bowling? Putt-putt, Nevada cathouse?

I vote for cathouse.

Do you even know what a cathouse is?

Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it.

A movie would be fine.

All right, a movie it is. What's out that's good?

There's a new pirate movie. It's rated Arr!

You guys have no sense of humor.

Can we go to that new theater with the reserved seats and the jumbo kosher hot dogs?

You just finished dinner.

That doesn't mean I finished eating.

Hey, Charlie.

Wanda... what are you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood, and I'm drunk and horny.

New plan.

Have I met this one before?

I doubt it.

She looks familiar.

Blond, bustyand bombed?

Around here, that's familiar.

I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea.

He does.

Well, then, what's he doing with Wanda?

Well, buddy, it's like this.

Uh, despite his many admirable qualities, your Uncle Charlie is, at heart, a sleazeball.

That's what I figured. I just wanted a second opinion.

Hang on. I'll grab another bottle.

Broad is part camel.

Except the humps aren't on her back.

Oh, come on. That was funnier than Rated arr!

Look, I know you're upset, but I'll take you to the movies some other time.

This has nothing to do with the movie.

Then what's the problem?

The problem is you're a sleazeball.

Really? How so?

Oh, please. You're in a committed relationship with a wonderful woman,

and the minute her back is turned, you're out gallivanting.

- Gallivanting? - Screwing around.

Then, why don't you just say, Screwing around?

Hey, as we speak, Chelsea is doing the same thing I'm doing.

Oh, really?

She's pouring liquor down the throat of an inebriated party girl?

- Inebriated? - Drunk.

Geez, who are you showing off for?

At this moment, Chelsea is in the same house as her ex-husband.

- Why? - His mother died.

Oh, my apologies. Clearly, anything you do at this point is justified.

- No, it's not. - I was being disingenuous.

- What? - Sarcastic.

You know, this is why Mom gets pissed off at you so much.

Look. Charlie, do what you want.

If you can live with yourself, more power to you.

If I could live with myself, we'd be having this conversation by telephone.

See, him I understand.

Charlie, bed, now, come.

Succinct, ain't she?

Does succinct mean what I think it means?

I highly doubt it.

Hello?

Right here, baby.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, why?

Never mind. Come on. Come on.

- Let's get you into bed. - Thank you.

Hey, you remember when we were in Vegas and I talked that cute waitress into joining us?

Yeah, I do.

I saw her last week at the Hard Rock.

- No kidding. - She gained a lot of weight.

- Is that so? - Yeah, we were lucky.

We nailed her right before she quit smoking.

Listen, Wanda, uh...

She does smell better, though.

- I'm sure, but listen... - Like Fritos.

You know what? I got to... check on something.

Well, is it okay if I start without you?

Top drawer, nightstand-- take your pick.

Careful. The big one's a flashlight.

That was fast. I'm guesng.

You're right. I'm a sleazeball.

Don't tell me you actually had a moral epiphany.

- Uh, epiphany means... - Don't bother.

I don't know what you call it, but I've got a gorgeous, willing girl in my bed,

and I'm just not interested.

Maybe you're a gay sleazeball.

I'll tell you what's going on.

You care about Chelsea too much to cheapen your relationship with a meaningless one-night stand.

You're right. I do care about Chelsea. I'm crazy about her.

Boy, that sucks.

Hello. Oh, hey, Chelsea, we were just...

Give me that.

Hey, baby, what's going on?

He did? At his own mother's funeral?

Her ex-husband put the moves on her.

What a sleazeball.

No, no, no, don't blame yourself. You were right to go to the funeral.

Tonight?

I'd love to see you tonight, but...

isn't it a little late to drive all the way from Santa Barbara?

Oh, you're already on the road.